قال ايه بيسالوني
عنك يانور عيوني
معقول اكون بحبك
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, I can feel that one in my fingers, man.
That song is the kind where you can just backslide into your seat and feel the blood rush through your legs. It's like dying of ecstasy, it's too smooth. It's a romantic feeling that makes no sense, it's that kind of resuscitation of the spirit that good music can perform in your body, y'know.
It hasn't been easy sitting with the decision I made. It isn't very "like me" to do that, y'know. I don't like the idea of ghosting people, but I honestly just didn't see a way out of that situation that would have allowed me the peace I wanted, unless I did what I did. I said both in text and out loud to them that I didn't think a friendship would work, and they kept trying to neutralize the seriousness of what I was saying to return things back to the status quo. I just couldn't do that anymore.
I'm not going to go into the vulgar details of all of that, because despite my bitterness towards that whole chapter of my life, I don't believe in smearing their reputation in a public space like this. I have them blocked now on everything, and I'm not on social media right now, so for all I know they could be telling people I eat babies and shoot grandmas for fun, and I wouldn't even know. The thing is, though? I can't allow that stuff to hold me back anymore.
I just had an illuminating conversation with my coworker. He spoke very earnestly of how proud he was to see a young Black man (his perception, didn't feel a need to correct him) applying himself towards a healthy career path, and expressing himself in a manner more genuine, more honest. He spoke of his past, the mistakes he'd made, and how his experiences informed him of a better nature, of a more aware and conscientious life. I told him a bit about my life and how I got to where I am today, and we came to understand each other better as people. I think that was a very useful and heartwarming moment to share.
I'm sure that there is a perceived coldness in some of my behavior lately, but you have to understand. A heart that wavers is a heart that can never fully love. I cannot lie to myself, and I will not lie to my peers. Life is full of grey; everybody knows (nose) that. Sometimes being wishy-washy doesn't work, despite this. Sometimes, you have to draw a line in the sand and say, "No more." There isn't always a nice way to do that.
I don't even know why I'm halfway apologizing, because literally all of my friends and family were begging me to pull the plug, since a fews months ago. I felt kind of silly only just now doing what my support system had pretty much unanimously decided was necessary. I tried to see a more agreeable side to it for so long, you know. I keep hearing about how much they missed seeing me, how earnestly they would describe seeing me eat less, losing weight. They talk about how I could never get that furrow off my face, how I didn't seem like myself. It was... it was enough to move me to tears, but I never cried until I was driving alone.
I really let myself be convinced that every single person I knew and loved was wrong, and that only they were right about everything between us. It took that distance to realize what was happening, you know. There were a lot of times I would say yes to things I really didn't want to do, because I was afraid of them. I'll leave it to your imagination to determine what I mean by that, y'know. I wish this wasn't something I would ever have to understand or experience, but I guess we can't always be so lucky.
I feel bad for still thinking about it, talking about it, y'know? How long is it supposed to take? I feel like even with how bad I feel about all of it, I think maybe I don't feel bad enough. Y'know what I mean? That's the worst thing about that sort of stuff. After it happens, you gotta go to work or school the very next day, like it's a normal day. Sometimes you don't even think about it that way until you sit down with your thoughts for a minute, and you start to really remember what your brain put to bed. You start to remember how it felt, when it was happening. Sometimes you want to convince yourself you enjoyed it, so that it doesn't feel as bad. I sometimes like to think maybe it was my fault. Why didn't I just push them off of me, y'know? Why didn't I just say no?
I feel like it's stolen valor to admit what I experienced. I feel like maybe I'm not a real victim of anything serious, y'know. But I feel like every time I describe it to anyone else, they don't hesitate to call it what it is. And I honestly still feel like I'm not entirely ready to admit that I am what I am. I don't want to carry myself with the idea that I'm a victim of anything, you know? Because as much as I don't want to see or talk to them, I don't want to call them anything like *that*. I feel like that's such a bitter word, that's not definitive of their character at all, but... what would you call it? I'm genuinely asking.
I am reminded of the words of one of my dearest friends. I remember hearing him advocate, with compassion, towards the interest of those that many of us would write off. He believed in rehabilitation and advocacy for people who we might typically, and sometimes rightfully, want to push aside. It's a perspective that was admittedly sound in reasoning, honest in it's empathy. It's just something that can feel hard to stomach, it's eating your vegetables on an ideological level.
They themselves extended a level of understanding and forgiveness towards someone who almost did that to them. They have the capacity to forgive, to understand. They're not a bad person, you know.
The thing is, I don't even want to go as far to say they should have to be regarded as being among that aforementioned demographic. I think the most difficult thing is that sometimes its just everyday people that make those mistakes. And that we'll be okay afterwards... it's not an easy thing to reckon.
Im thinking I'll reckon anyways. Ill see you guys soon, take care.
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