HK Blog

I had an absolutely wonderful day with my family, you know. Everything was great. I don't have any complaints. I'm not going to complain about anything. I'm just going to examine myself. I'm going to allow myself the time to be honest. I haven't truly delivered any penance to my heart in a good long while. This rag dried up for a bit, I thought I wouldn't need to rely on it as much. I did start seeing a therapist, you know, so I guess it makes sense. But it happened today. I was attacked with a physically threatening pang of suicidal mania and desperation. It came so suddenly that I didn't have time to internalize it. Even now it doesn't really make sense to me why it happened so suddenly. I have some ideas. I was late on taking my injections, because life decided to fuck me over, so my cycle is off. Hormonal imbalance for a few days. But I'm a big girl, I'm not a transmedicalist. Even if not everything goes right with hrt, yknow, even if it real...

It started to come back a little bit, today. What I've found is that I'm better at ignoring it. Im slowly learning to live in spite of my conniptions. By "it," I mean that feeling I get every month or so that makes me feel like the worst person in the world and that I have to apologize to everybody that I know for whatever reason. I am so much better than a Rockstar. It's not feeling unusual to believe in myself anymore. It feels like the default of what I know myself to be. Mike Duggan is filming inside of our fieldhouse right now, and he's a lot shorter than I expected. Not that I expected anything. There is no "what if you don't make it" sort of question in my mind. I know that it's gonna work. Whether the world wants it or not. I know that what I'm making is good. I know that what I'm making will change things. I know that I am worth so much more than what I'm getting right now.

I found the little things I see little ways you'll fade away I know there's something there I know you thought about me yesterday That's okay You hang around me too much, you're feeling guilty that you know, that it won't stay It's okay Forget about me anyways You would make me into your God Just to scare away the pain You know you can could read about me Cause you were writing every page Every word is a commandment Every friend turns to a slave Cause you think that I'm The Man You can't see that we're the same Every lady is yours On any breast, you'd stake a claim For your country or messiah Either way, it feels the same Every heart is like a nation Every war is right as rain Cause you think that I'm The Man You can't see that we're the same Flesh and Blood Flesh and Blood You have got the power

Currently feeling a lot of anxiety. I'm visiting Paramita today, I will have to show them my work on this project. But instead of retreating and getting scared, I'm getting mad at myself for it. Anger is actionable. I am too hungry to give up. I cannot give up! I will not give up! I will succeed and I will accomplish great things today. And the next day I'll be at Outer Limits. And the next day I will hang out with friends! And the next day I will make new songs for the album! Because I can do literally anything. I've been listening to a lot of Alanis Morisette, Oidopuaa Vladimir Oiun, and Charles Mingus the last few days. A completely nonsensical grouping, there.

Yesterday was a new beginning. Today is the first day in this bag.