2/3/26 - Throbbing Gristle

Zahr and I had a row about the whereabouts of Manal. She believed that Manal is intentionally avoiding me bc she just wants to use me, and like... maybe? Okay? Remas tells me she's okay and that she just can't get hold of an E-Sim. Which has happened before, a much more sobered explanation.

Manal has not ever demanded money out of me, nor has she ever been cold or angry. Hard to believe she would use some kind of strategem of avoidance to not get her own donation money. That just doesn't really make sense. It's not like I ignored her or said anything weird. I don't think she's actively looking to avoid me as much as it is likely very difficult to live in a tent and provide for 3 kids and retain communication via E-Sim all at the same time.

This wouldn't be the first time Zahr has engaged in catty or vindictive behavior. It's important to remember that most Palestinians are just regular people like the rest of us. They're not all Qassam Brigadier Super Soldiers, that would be too awesome for real life.

This living cycle is atrophying my brain, though. I need a change sooner rather than later. I gotta do laundry later, I believe this might help a tad. I feel that the world is stuck is a sort of fog. It's not easy to see the future. Pray for the superheroes of Minneapolis. I retain faith in a better world, and I believe the tide will turn when we are all ready to fight. I will not be shaken.

Singed by it, pulled around of my blazening

(Pulled round)

Eyes on the usually science of cherry-colored

(Trousers)

Limelight not the music it's plain as as can be so

(Tighter)

All of the time I improvise by making sure

(Tighter)

It's to wait for you

Rounder

Pulled rounder

Pulled rounder

Pulled rounder

It's a lot easier to be a defeatist. Not me.

On the 6th I gotta see about going to the Anti War meeting. Hepburn is about all the way finished. I just need to start on Roman Holiday.

Roman Holiday is a follow up LP meant to be less laser focused in its sound and subject matter. I decided the vocal tracks are better suited to RH than Television Pirate.

The only vocal track I'm adding to Hepburn is The Man.

"Oh yeah that's one of Nirvana's best songs, its called... uhh... yeah."

2/1/26 - Lord High Roller

I often have to course correct myself from maladaptive daydreams. Most often I think about what my family and friends would do if and when I pass. It's not a healthy thing to ruminate about.

Hard to forgive myself for the error of being alive, I guess. I do love myself, maybe too much, and a lack of stimulation creates an insular sort of fixation.

An unhealthy thing, yknow.

Reversed the tracklisting, it sounds better that way. I'm getting positive feedback, but two friends I sent it to haven't said anything on it. I fear they're being too nice, they must tell me what they don't care for.

I can't demand or demean, is the thing. I need to look towards a better way.

I'll ask Cronkite anyways. I've only good things to say about Cronkite.

Peter doesn't really like me, he's a bit of a fairweather friend, but I don't care. I've a bit of a sick taste for social subterfuge. I get a kick out of irritating him, out of making him feel guilty for being a flake. He's got a hard life, I know he only entertains it because we're too alike. He hates that about me, I know it. And yet I think he knows, he's not got the upper hand on anything. There are no debts between friends, only love. Whether he likes that or not.

This album is a bit too good. I don't think it's accessible for most people. It's silly that I feel that way considering that friends I met on the internet seem to support my work more fervently than some of my day ones. Hmm.