I used to be of the feeling that, yeah, even if nobody saw it happen, that tree still fell down, right?
Nah. Look at the news. Look at everything. Doesn't mean shit if we all saw the same thing. The truth has nothing to do with it anymore.
If I never make an effort to be seen, I may as well have never existed. Had I not decided to eat and take a nap, I might understand this trait to be a great asset to one looking to engage in acts of political terrorism. I can be so dramatic, my goodness.
I'm looking to my regular remedies, you know. I'm listening to Brian again. And a bit of Carpenters. I can close my eyes and smile in acceptance of myself. I know what this is, and I can handle it. And it feels good.
It feels bizarre being able to have my own time and space to work through one of these fits of incredible grief and sadness. It used to be that I would be sexually pressured every time I seemed less than perfect. It was humiliating. I'm not in that world anymore. My life has gotten better.
It's so easy, now, compared to then. It is so much easier to be miserable when I have a stable job and control of my time.
It's ironic, like... I almost feel *good* at the same time as being sad and depressed, right now. Because I can feel this way in peace, for the first time. It's new.
Maybe I am not loved. But I love myself. Because I can finally be with myself.
