10/22/25 - The Merry Men of Sherwood

Right now I'm helping my coworker run his archery class. It is exactly as fun as you'd think. He's a regular Robert of Locksley, right here on Myers and Lyndon. And for the moment, we in this class are his merry men of Sherwood. I am not very talented with the use of compound bows, I much prefer the recurve.

Good things do happen in our corner of the West Side. I was able to reactivate my PayPal, and Manal is working on getting theirs active again. If I can just community with the lady who managed Remas' campaign to get control of it, all will be by my side.

All will be by my side...

Everything in the realm of want becomes animated through dreams. Nothing that I want can be had so easily. Nothing that I need will appear when it's convenient. I simply have to be ready to receive the messages the world wants to send.

All the dreams I waited so long...

Fly tonight, so long, so long...

It's actually a horrific character flaw to yearn, y'know. They say that in the Bible.

I'm shooting like actual dogshit today. Maybe I'd be one of the knife girls in the merry men. Or maybe I'd be focused on Maid Marian. Maid Marian... come to Detroit... we have a castle for you (Marygrove).

Every single man and woman who dedicates themselves to the betterment of others will find themself to be a princess, trapped in a castle of their own creation. Their dragons shall be those marauders, those terrors they work to mitigate the power of.

I know my colors, now. The sales clerk at Meijer said that green suits me, and I'd have to agree with her wisdom. I've been envious of the wrong things this entire year. I can barely sit down these days at work, there's always a million things to do. 

I made myself breakfast. It's exactly what I wanted, but I'm still hungry.

So, let me tell you about my least favorite thing. Something I wish I wasn't aware of. 

It's come to my attention that some of the kids I work with at the rec center seem to have crushes on me. Now, kids having crushes on their teachers is a common thing. The fact alone isn't necessarily cause for concern. But to be forced to interact with children who don't realize I know that... it makes me a little bit uncomfortable. I had to very gently crush tell them that it's not appropriate to act on that sort of thing towards me, and that they shouldn't ever attempt to flirt with adults. One of the girls said I looked like Lady Gaga(?) which their friend tried to explain was supposed to mean that I was pretty in a sort of "celebrity" kind of way. She then snitched on her friend and said that she flirts with other girls at school, which, um... I told her to maybe stop telling me all of that. I like working with kids, but sometimes you run into stuff like that and you just have to just kind of... ignore it.

It's just kind of funny that she may have unintentionally clocked me. I'm not sure if I see the resemblance to me and Stefani. I think she saw eyeliner and mascara and thought... "Mr. Gabriel looks just like Lady Gaga..." which is kind of funny.

I have to mention that at work, I am not fully out. And before you jump down my throat, just know that is for my own safety. When I am not at work, I am fully out of the closet to anyone and everyone. But my workplace is not a safe place to be trans. I love Detroit more than any other place in the entire world, but Detroit is not Chicago, it is not New York, it is not LA. The westside natives (and yes, I am specifically making this statement about west-siders) are, usually, culturally protestant Black folks who surround themselves with family and friends who are just like them. That is a beautiful thing, in the right contexts. But it also means that they will noticeably treat you different if you present as being... something else. Southwest Detroiters are, usually, culturally catholic Latino people who are not usually as outwardly disapproving, as much as many of them, I am sure, keep their feelings about certain things to themselves. There are two kinds of east-siders. There are the cosmopolitan, mixed-background urbanites of the higher income neighborhoods, and there are the working-class/poor Black folks of similar distinctions to Black west-siders. Eastside Black folks and Westside Black folks are pretty much exactly the same, save for one key element that often changes their behaviors and temperament towards others.

The westside is where most native Detroiters are actually "from." A lot of west-siders have a sort of playful superiority complex about not being East-siders. Regional bias in a city is nothing new, but when you hear a West-sider, no matter how poor or rich, talk on the Eastside... it's usually just blatant classism, or homophobia. West-siders never even go after the rich downtown people on the East, like you would assume, right? If they're talking about Downtown people, they're usually gonna find some roundabout way to label them as weirdo faggots (that's me!). When they speak on regular Eastside natives, they always like to talk about how East-siders are poor and violent and dirty and stuff, and it's really disappointing to hear that sort of talk from other Black people who should otherwise know better.

I am out to my favorite work friend (love her!) because in interacting with her, I have learned that she is a more understanding and normal person about trans stuff. When he were hanging out, she asked me a LOT of questions about it, which was kind of funny. Fielding her questions ended up being a eye opening experience for me. It unfortunately made me realize just how defeated and confused my Dad's version of those same questions were. The tone was completely different.

I am wondering if I should ever come out to my other work friend, but I don't know. I don't think he would be against me being trans. I just feel he'd be put in an awkward position he is not familiar with navigating. He doesn't seem like someone with a lot of personal experience with queer people, not for any reason other than the fact that he's just a regular guy.

Guys... those same girls were in my beat-making class. This is the funniest thing that has ever happened to me. They literally won't stop saying I'm like "Lady Gaga but cuter." They are so close to getting it, this is fucking hilarious. I promise, I swear to Christ, I am not making this up. This is simultaneously the cutest and most violently uncomfortable thing today. They were literally singing on the beats they made about "He's Lady Gaga, he's Lady Gaga." I think this is funniest way to react to meeting your first gay person. They kept trying to tell me that I'm like, the most beautiful man they've ever seen. Now unfortunately, those of you who follow my Instagram know that this is probably not true, but it's such a silly situation that I honestly don't know what to think about it other than "this is so fucking funny."

I just think it's funny that people think kids will feel upset and confused in the presence of visibly queer people. No, actually. What will actually happen is two different things. Two very different, but very funny, things.

Boys will silently ponder their own sense of style, jealously concluding that you have more drip than them (I have seen this happen dozens of times at this point). What they'll do is ask, "Why you paint your nails, bro? Why you wear makeup 'n shit?" and I always answer "I like the way it looks!" They usually just say, "... oh, that's cool, that's cool then." And then they sit and don't say anything. They get real contemplative... it's funny. No harassment, no blatant homophobia... just an acceptance that my fit is harder than theirs. This includes most teenage boys too, in fact.

Girls will harrass with you with compliments and words like "Gag, slay, you're literally (celebrity that they approximate towards gay people)." If a little girl finds out you're gay, they will actually become chemically unbalanced in the assumption that they can touch you and be parasocial about you. They're just kids, so they naturally think they're being nice, but it is kind of... a lot. Teenage girls will be, usually, easier to deal with. They just compliment you a lot, and ask you about whatever tv or online program they watch with gay people in it.

I had a good conversation about queerness in society with Birria Girl, and we also had a ki about some of the guys we've been disappointed with in our lives... and then my coworker jumps in with the WILDEST story I've ever heard in my fucking life. Like CSI stuff. Lord.

But then I went to talk with Birria Girl in the parking lot. It was really cute, we're gonna miss each other. She's getting moved to a different building, but she's a real friend. I feel like a bad person for not accepting her very clear messages towards me, though. When we were heading out, she drove her car next to mine in the parking lot so we could keep talking. She seemed really sad that we're getting split up. I'm sad about it, too.

We're actually texting right now as I write this, in fact. I feel like scum. I really just want to have a new friend, a meaningful friendship in my adult years that don't just fizzle out after a few months... but I can tell that she really likes me. She even told me that before she found out I was trans and stuff, she thought was really cute, so that's why she started talking to me.

We're close enough that I've told her about all the stuff I've got going on and whatever, but I also talked about how I'm still trying to recover from my last relationship, and that I'm needing to focus on myself for a little while. I think, when she asked me about where I was with dating, she was priming herself to get let down.

Here's why I know I'm not a good person. I know that it wouldn't be a good idea to indulge anything about that. I think it's better if we're just friends. But... I honestly don't know if I want her that way or not. I just wish she would kiss me one of these days, maybe I might know then. She's the kind of person I'd take a risk on, y'know? She's special, and right now... I'm just hoping the right guy finds her.

I wonder if anybody I knew ever felt this way about me. This is one of those things I never thought I'd ever think when I was younger. 

When I was a kid, I'd do anything to just have somebody look my way, even once. Because I was naive then, I didn’t know. I didn't know I wasn't respecting myself.

That's how I, as an adult, let it happen to me. I stuck around for a year and a half because I was scared of giving up something I believed I had never had. I never thought somebody could actually love me, I never thought somebody could want me. I grew up hating the body I was given, and I never dated for the longest time. In my mind, I thought it wouldn't be right to string along a girl, pretending at being a normal "guy." I thought it would end badly, so I never tried. I finally tried after a few years of silence, and... we all know how that ended.

I guess I just wished, when I was a kid, that somebody could see the through the disguise. I wished that somebody knew enough to try anyway. Everybody is so kind, and so thoughtful, that they never tried to lift mask. I guess it's a noble thing they didn't.

But today is a different day for me. A confusing time to be alive, a strange time to find myself. I've made it further than I had ever dreamed, and yet I'm still just beginning. I know enough to wait, for the right things.

Everything in the realm of want becomes animated through dreams. Nothing that I want can be had so easily. Nothing that I need will appear when it's convenient. I simply have to be ready to receive the messages the world wants to send.

All will be by my side.

10/21/25 - Tarocchini

I'm not gonna try. I'll just do it, and I'll never tell you. And I'll be safe, I'll be cool on my own. I'll be cool knowing that was the last time.

Conflicted feelings in the side of my head, but my temperament is good. Endure, endure, that's the focus right now. Endurance.

Nothing has moved with the right pace. But that's okay. That's okay.

I look down through the window, and none of my creatures are there. No squirrels, no birds, no groundhog. Not even a cat. The grass and leaves have no friends this morning.

I am becoming a superstitious person. I think that's okay. I need to buy some cards. Tarocchini, I'll learn the game to spite this development. These days I find myself trusting ideation and intrusive inclinations. I'm choosing to think that everything I fear my friends think about me is true, and my solution is just... to accept it. I don't try to appeal anymore. I don't apologize for a mistake I never made. I accept that I am worse, in ways I can never fix. And I move on.

I remember being in the DIA, just loving the freedom of having no one with me. I miss the contemporary section, but the renovations will bring some new art for me to obsess about.

I am upset about it, you know. I am thoroughly heartbroken and sad, but I am so happy! I know my truth, I finally know what I am... I am alone! God has made me to be forgotten, God needs me to be repulsive. I serve a purpose in the world I could never understand, and I accept her message.

I can't stop fixating on the stars. I look into the palm of every hand I see. I hallucinate friends in the corner of my eye.

A syllogism of the mind, I learn from what I do not understand. And you know what I have remembered? I remember my fingers.

I twist and crack and bend my fingers, my fingers are my soul. And when they are taken from me, there will be no Adrielle anymore. This is my favorite superstition.

In everything I see play belief and symbolism, things that are not really there. In the magic of another, I see Pegasus in the sky. In the face of those I love, I see Re'em.

And I know, I know. It's not healthy, it's not right. But I look at this and I think... I don't care? I can't force myself to care about the wall. I am beholden to everything, so I laugh anyways. It's not wisdom, it's fun! Something that is divinely fun, what a sloppy turn of phrase.

This eccentricity, this psychological aberration, is exactly what pushes everyone away. And they're right to feel that way. I'll never get with the program, I'm steadily wading through these waters.

A lady in the lake speaks of superstitions and prophecies, it angers and confuses those who trust her. If only I was pretty like she was in the books, y'know.

After this album, it's done. If this doesn't touch any hearts... if it can't make my friends love me again, I'll give it up. I'll give myself up. There won't be an Adrielle ever again. You can forget about her, like a daydream. It'll be like I was never there.

I wish that wasn't how I felt. All of the superstition, that's what it is. That's what it always was. It's a failure to adhere. There's something missing in my brain, I think.

Look at my supervisor, my coworkers. Look at my parents. Look at my friends.

It doesnt make sense that I turned out this way. I got the degree, I saved up money, I'm moving out next month, I'm working full time, I donate and work with mutual aid and charity, I help my friends. So why do I choose to be a fucking freak? Transvestite weirdo, why can't I talk normal?

All my friends still think I'm a man wearing makeup. There's nothing I can do to change that, except lie. Maybe I should do that. I should lie.

I going to begin the course of lying to my friends and family. That's what I have to do! I won't be happy, I won't be myseld, but I'll make my family proud... I'll make everybody love me again.

Writing that out was therapeutic. Wow, I am a fucking nutjob. Whatever. It's so helpful to untangle stuff like that sometimes.

Let me speak plainly. I do feel like I am unlikeable, disregarded and alien. I don't think I'll ever have the opportunity to change anyone's heart. I am resigning myself to be forgotten. I don't think anyone would notice... but also?

All of that is bullshit. I'm getting ready for work, right? I can fix my PayPal there. I can submit the info for the campaign. I'll help with the clubs today, y'know. I've got a job, I'll pay off my credit next week. I'll spread some aid, I'll make another clip or video maybe. 5 tracks finished for the album, we'll take a small break to develop more for it.

I won't do makeup today. Just skin, sunscreen and snail essence (lmao thnx for the gift, friend). Or maybe I'll do eyeliner. Idk. No lips, I think. No eyeshadow. I never do cheeks, I like to look as uncomfortable as I feel, lmao. No more feelings, just let the water rush around me. I can backslide into a feeling of nothing.

I wonder what zoloft feels like. I wish I knew what it felt like to let my mind sit down and rest. I guess we'll never know.

Here are some pictures. Despite everything going on inside my head, I love you guys. I hope you guys like crazy! Love you!

10/20/25 - Paint It Black... Long, Long While

DARE. It's the best Gorillaz track, no argument, n-o-n-e.

The color of this moment, the luster of the soul, is silver. The chain I've got on is pure silver, and it costs as much as you'd expect. Whatever that amount may be.

It goes wherever I go, this silver pendant of Palestine. Yeah, of course it at the conference, as a luddite like myself would only know to find it in the big kids assembly in the gym (Cobo).

I was sitting in my car again, and I produced the Tech House piece of this album, Updo. Referring to hairstyles, y'know. One of the more crude innuendo of this project, lmao. Later today I got a meeting with an artist and designer about collaborating on HPBRN. We're still making good progress on this thing, that's for sure. I hope I make a good impression on him, he seems like a cool guy. This could restore my faith in my ability to collaborate. I just hope I'm the collaborator he's looking for.

I'm the jean genie today, I'm wearing too much denim. It's fun sometimes to dress like a Gold Miner, lmao. Yesterday I had my best socialite clothes on, and I never got cold. My friend did, though, but she says she had a good time. Work friend is now a real friend, this is a rousing success! She has been promoted, and now she gets her own blog epithet. From now on, we'll call her Birria Girl. Because she likes Birria tacos.

The conversation I had with her, it was so illuminating. She wanted me to talk about myself, about my life and circumstances. She seems to think I'm an interesting person, and she seems supportive of the fact that I'm trans. She's the only coworker I have that I would entrust with that information, y'know. I learned more about her and her background, and it's so important to see the lattice our connections can create in our souls.

On Saturday, I was too tired to hit Spotlite, so instead I watched a film I'd been meaning to watch for a long time, Mulholland Drive. There is so much loss, so much feeling in this work. Everything is stark, everything is naked. Why we can never accept what we truly want, why we keep our love on the inside... everything around us becomes so anaerobic. And this why we betray each other, why we lie. It's intimidating to be honest. It's so easy to be vengeful.

The film explores honesty and want through the lens of sex, specifically the fears, the masks. It's a sapphic tragedy, but it's meaning to be so much more than just carnal. It's heartbreaking.

This movie likes to choke you with the oppressive nature of industry, the controlling hand of the media. Nothing genuine is allowed to exist on it's own, everything is being watched. We can be so commanded by these figures because we lack the structure to create our own world. You don't get to be a cowboy in a world of lawmen.

In watching the film, I was put back into that place. I was placed into the feeling of conflict again, in the decision I had to make. But it had to happen, it needed to happen. I had to leave them, for my sake and theirs. They never wanted to let me go. Now I see it, y'know? Now, I get it. They imagined things that were never happening with me, they would threaten me with the prospect of a future they assumed I wanted to create. But I wouldn't humor a delusion. No... it had to be over. So it's over.

The color of this project, it's black. I'm feeling like I understand the feeling of Keith and Mick, I understand the feeling... nothing wants to make sense right now, so guess what? We'll paint everything the same shade. Tenderness clothes itself in the dark.

Come on now, try and understand,

The way I feel under your command...

Manal and Remas are still alive. We are working towards transferring to them, we will win this. We will succeed. We. Will. Win. These setbacks are temporary, all of this is temporary.

Yesterday my parents turned up the bitterness a bit, y'know. My mother wanted to remind me how disappointed she was in my decision to continue being trans, in her own special way. When showing us the program for the church sermon that day, she flipped it open to the passage she wanted us to look at, and walked away from the table.

The segment was titled, "People Choose Sin."

There's a face she wears when she can't bear to see us, me and my sister. I'm so familiar with it, but they would never admit to being incensed with our presence in her household. My mom is the kind of mom who loves her kids more than anything, but she really doesn't like us as people. Its a common story, I know.

Last month marks two years since I came out as trans, but this marks two years since the conversation that permanently altered my relationship with my parents. I learned a lot about the limits of their understanding that day two years ago, about the limits of their love. My parents love me so much, and they're wonderful people... but they are human beings, and it became apparent to me that my identity challenged them in ways they can never learn to grapple with.

My dad's conversation with me wasn't as antagonistic as mom's thing. He just asked me about how my transition is going, about my health, and about what my plans were for the future. While he was very tired and confused, he did not frame his concerns as criticisms. He did not say anything pointed towards disappointment or shame, as much as he expressed a feeling of being lost. He is worried not only about the possible health affects hrt can have, but he was also scared for my safety as a citizen and adult. He knows how cruel the world can be to trans people. He understands that, y'know. He doesn't like that I'm trans, but his reasons are less rooted in religious fundamentalism and ego. He seems to care more about how reckless it seems, how dangerous this decision is. He doesn't seem to understand how I can do it anyways. He could never understand.

That's what a good parent has to be. Their first instinct will always be to protect their kids, to steer them away from danger. The hardest thing a parent can do is learn to let go of their kids, to let them be adults. It means letting them do that in ways they wouldn't, because it's only their life now. It's not about what you would do anymore. It's sometimes difficult to reconcile that what is different, what is unknown, is not always what is wrong, what is destructive. My parents do not like or care about the opportunities that are open to me as I embrace my true self. They can only see what I'm never going to be, because a kid is a bundle of hopes and projections. They're not seeing me, the person. They're seeing a dream that died. A son that looks and acts a certain way, has a certain sort of job and lifestyle, believes all the right things... they didn't get that.

They got their real son, they got me. They got a tranny daughter who's not sly enough to hide. It's such a burden that I'm so far and away different than they ever thought I'd be, but guess what? I like me.

Maybe that's what they understand the least about it. I like what I've become.

Some of my Palestinian followers sent messages of acknowledgement when I was posting my transition history. I think they are mostly either understanding or ambivalent about it. They're all very genuine, down to earth sort of people over there, it seems to me.

Its never the same when it's your kid, right? What a world. See you soon.

10/17/25 - Recognizer

 It's not chic to ruminate about stuff like that, is it? I wish I had it in me to apologize, but I'm just not feeling like that today. Today there's a focus on objectives.

Today is pay day, so there are some objectives. Tomorrow is the oil change, visits to workplaces, transferring to Manal, applying to better jobs within the system. Even before that, we have some stuff to take care of. Some families need payments, some candy bags need to be purchased for work. Some money has to be put away for travel, starting today. 

Money makes the world go round, the world go round, the world go round!

And I'm halfway done with Hepburn, you know...