10/20/25 - Paint It Black... Long, Long While

DARE. It's the best Gorillaz track, no argument, n-o-n-e.

The color of this moment, the luster of the soul, is silver. The chain I've got on is pure silver, and it costs as much as you'd expect. Whatever that amount may be.

It goes wherever I go, this silver pendant of Palestine. Yeah, of course it at the conference, as a luddite like myself would only know to find it in the big kids assembly in the gym (Cobo).

I was sitting in my car again, and I produced the Tech House piece of this album, Updo. Referring to hairstyles, y'know. One of the more crude innuendo of this project, lmao. Later today I got a meeting with an artist and designer about collaborating on HPBRN. We're still making good progress on this thing, that's for sure. I hope I make a good impression on him, he seems like a cool guy. This could restore my faith in my ability to collaborate. I just hope I'm the collaborator he's looking for.

I'm the jean genie today, I'm wearing too much denim. It's fun sometimes to dress like a Gold Miner, lmao. Yesterday I had my best socialite clothes on, and I never got cold. My friend did, though, but she says she had a good time. Work friend is now a real friend, this is a rousing success! She has been promoted, and now she gets her own blog epithet. From now on, we'll call her Birria Girl. Because she likes Birria tacos.

The conversation I had with her, it was so illuminating. She wanted me to talk about myself, about my life and circumstances. She seems to think I'm an interesting person, and she seems supportive of the fact that I'm trans. She's the only coworker I have that I would entrust with that information, y'know. I learned more about her and her background, and it's so important to see the lattice our connections can create in our souls.

On Saturday, I was too tired to hit Spotlite, so instead I watched a film I'd been meaning to watch for a long time, Mulholland Drive. There is so much loss, so much feeling in this work. Everything is stark, everything is naked. Why we can never accept what we truly want, why we keep our love on the inside... everything around us becomes so anaerobic. And this why we betray each other, why we lie. It's intimidating to be honest. It's so easy to be vengeful.

The film explores honesty and want through the lens of sex, specifically the fears, the masks. It's a sapphic tragedy, but it's meaning to be so much more than just carnal. It's heartbreaking.

This movie likes to choke you with the oppressive nature of industry, the controlling hand of the media. Nothing genuine is allowed to exist on it's own, everything is being watched. We can be so commanded by these figures because we lack the structure to create our own world. You don't get to be a cowboy in a world of lawmen.

In watching the film, I was put back into that place. I was placed into the feeling of conflict again, in the decision I had to make. But it had to happen, it needed to happen. I had to leave them, for my sake and theirs. They never wanted to let me go. Now I see it, y'know? Now, I get it. They imagined things that were never happening with me, they would threaten me with the prospect of a future they assumed I wanted to create. But I wouldn't humor a delusion. No... it had to be over. So it's over.

The color of this project, it's black. I'm feeling like I understand the feeling of Keith and Mick, I understand the feeling... nothing wants to make sense right now, so guess what? We'll paint everything the same shade. Tenderness clothes itself in the dark.

Come on now, try and understand,

The way I feel under your command...

Manal and Remas are still alive. We are working towards transferring to them, we will win this. We will succeed. We. Will. Win. These setbacks are temporary, all of this is temporary.

Yesterday my parents turned up the bitterness a bit, y'know. My mother wanted to remind me how disappointed she was in my decision to continue being trans, in her own special way. When showing us the program for the church sermon that day, she flipped it open to the passage she wanted us to look at, and walked away from the table.

The segment was titled, "People Choose Sin."

There's a face she wears when she can't bear to see us, me and my sister. I'm so familiar with it, but they would never admit to being incensed with our presence in her household. My mom is the kind of mom who loves her kids more than anything, but she really doesn't like us as people. Its a common story, I know.

Last month marks two years since I came out as trans, but this marks two years since the conversation that permanently altered my relationship with my parents. I learned a lot about the limits of their understanding that day two years ago, about the limits of their love. My parents love me so much, and they're wonderful people... but they are human beings, and it became apparent to me that my identity challenged them in ways they can never learn to grapple with.

My dad's conversation with me wasn't as antagonistic as mom's thing. He just asked me about how my transition is going, about my health, and about what my plans were for the future. While he was very tired and confused, he did not frame his concerns as criticisms. He did not say anything pointed towards disappointment or shame, as much as he expressed a feeling of being lost. He is worried not only about the possible health affects hrt can have, but he was also scared for my safety as a citizen and adult. He knows how cruel the world can be to trans people. He understands that, y'know. He doesn't like that I'm trans, but his reasons are less rooted in religious fundamentalism and ego. He seems to care more about how reckless it seems, how dangerous this decision is. He doesn't seem to understand how I can do it anyways. He could never understand.

That's what a good parent has to be. Their first instinct will always be to protect their kids, to steer them away from danger. The hardest thing a parent can do is learn to let go of their kids, to let them be adults. It means letting them do that in ways they wouldn't, because it's only their life now. It's not about what you would do anymore. It's sometimes difficult to reconcile that what is different, what is unknown, is not always what is wrong, what is destructive. My parents do not like or care about the opportunities that are open to me as I embrace my true self. They can only see what I'm never going to be, because a kid is a bundle of hopes and projections. They're not seeing me, the person. They're seeing a dream that died. A son that looks and acts a certain way, has a certain sort of job and lifestyle, believes all the right things... they didn't get that.

They got their real son, they got me. They got a tranny daughter who's not sly enough to hide. It's such a burden that I'm so far and away different than they ever thought I'd be, but guess what? I like me.

Maybe that's what they understand the least about it. I like what I've become.

Some of my Palestinian followers sent messages of acknowledgement when I was posting my transition history. I think they are mostly either understanding or ambivalent about it. They're all very genuine, down to earth sort of people over there, it seems to me.

Its never the same when it's your kid, right? What a world. See you soon.