5/27/25 - Akira

I think that it's easier to imagine it as a symptom that goes in and out. This might be the healthiest way to look at it. It's an irritant I'll be able to compartmentalize.

My throat still hurts. I think from screaming. I still didn't send Loopy that segment of me screaming. I'll get on that.

I have a suspicion I failed my drug test. I might be out of a job, whatever.

My current forecast for the FFB is that I don't think anybody is gonna come. Which might be good cause I can't afford the beer and snacks yet.

This current project, you know, it's getting harsher. I've got an entirely new sort of sound I've made on this one. I'm not a songwriter, I'm not a storyteller, but I like talking.

This is gonna be an allllll day post. I'll continue writing through the hours...

KICK THE BALL! God, I love this song.

It's hard to balance the scratches and distress of that real hip-hop stuff. I love it, so much. That's the direction, that's the congestion and looseness I want.

Part of the motivation to make something more transgressive and difficult again is because I'm starting to feel how toothless the moment has become. Nobody's doing anything. We all know it's way more than 1,000,000 people dead in Gaza, we're just not allowed to say that aloud.

You can hear it in the music right now. We're getting into another nostalgia boom, sure,  but it's not just that on the surface. It's a disco period we're in the thick of. I think about, yknow, Addison Rae, and that Drake song, Pinkpantheress, Charli XCX. Even, like, Tyla, and Burnaboy.

My throat is still really sore... my head is pounding. Grocery shopping was kind of odd today but it was good to be outside. Hay fever, yknow? Seasonal allergies.

I went back to my apartment, and watched some TV, with my beloved. Twin Peaks! The Return, the revival season. Still good, Lynch and Frost still had it. Rest in peace to him, may the lord be.

I don't think I make a convincing transgender in the eyes of my peers. I dont want to voice train, and I like the clothes I've got. Maybe I don't have it the right way, you know? There are some girls clothes I wanna try, and my partner has provided me some good picks. I wish I could receive some counsel from... never mind. Let's not ruin a good thing.

My problems are looking smaller, today. I'm getting back that useful perspective, that better view from above.

Women! You gotta love em! Men I'm more wishy washy about.

Here's the thing. This album I'm working on, it's not a smooth listen. It's not very kind on the ears. I do not believe it will engender me towards likeability in the eyes of my "superiors." They do watch us, is the thing. You're not supposed to care. I also think it is necessary that I make something divisive, something human. I'm tired of trying to make myself seem cool. I am mentally ill. I am a tranny freak. A black menace. A commie degenerate, a townie hoodlum. I like to do unproductive bullshit, I like to sleep around and do nothing that would make my folks proud. Sometimes I'm well read, sometimes I'm a luddite. I enjoy not having to be either all the time. 

I'm barefoot in the shoebox right now. I'm taking it all in, I'm enjoying the antsiness.

Yknow, part of me is kind of glad I've suffered from the fixation, at least for a little while. It's put into perspective my ego, my abilities. My worth. I like myself, and I'm worth something in this world. It's let me remember that I'm not a factor for everyone, I'm not supposed to assume I need to be in anybodys life.

I'm gonna wear black lipstick at the Free Beer Birthday! I'm gonna wear, a red tank top. I'm gonna wear sweatpants! I'm gonna get my hair done! We'll film, and I'll perform! Karaoke! 

I have so much... bashful, boisterous energy in me right now. It's a positive mania, it's been so long! I went on a walk around the apartment building, it was so fun! I got to see all the colors, on the walls, the ceilings! I got to see the city, I was so high! I love seeing the people! Hi people! I love you! I love you, Detroit!

I belive in myself! I believe in my family, my friends... we'll all make it, guys! We'll all make it! Oh my God... this is so beautiful, I don't know what's happening! It's a magical moment!

They blew a raspberry on my stomach when I was exposed! They attacked me by surprise; AGHHHHHH!!!

It's so wonderful, its like... it's so cliche to say it, but it's like magic! The contrast can be so dark, so violent, but this feeling... oh, it's just like that day. That day, I remember it! I remember... I remember the dog, and the lights on the bathroom. I remember the rally, I remember the bar! I remember Mortal Kombat! I remember that I should probably shut up! It's too fun, guys. It's like they made crack legal!

We have made it through the worst times, everyone. The worst has come again, but it's okay! We're all part of the same moment, an irreplaceable moment! To be able to share it with you all... that's a gift. I'm sorry for those of us taken so tragically, so unnecessarily. My heart goes out to them. Those that I could meet... your very presence was my honor.

I'm still in Detroit, guys! Whatever you need me to be, I'll be it! As long as I can be me!

5/25/25 - Cliffhanger

I've seen kinder faces. The most welcome voices I could hear. I've seen some friends I thought I'd never seen again.

Today, I'll try to savor that. I want to be grateful, to be more aligned with a greater character.

The bright side of things.

I think want to frontload this post with some more positive news. I want to at least make an effort to let some light in.

My parents recently bought two parakeets! I'm so excited to see them! I've been going to the club a lot more recently, with mixed results, but I'm just glad to be outside again. 

I got my drug test and physical done for the job, I really need this job! I hope I do well. It's a parks and rec gig, it'll be fine. At least I'll still be in Detroit. Mixed feelings, but I believe I will be okay, one day. I'm kind of dreading my birthday, still, but I think it will be fun anyways. I think I can do it.

I'm reading again! I'm creating again! I've a renewed interest in all of my favorite things... I think maybe I'm getting over that hill. Maybe.

(There was a snag with going out on Friday that has embittered my heart, but I will leave that for later.)

And I've met new people, that I welcome the presence of very much. 

Here's the id.

I feel as if I want to isolate them a bit from my whole situation. It's a tad narcissistic. It's really self important.

I think it used to be more of a salve just a few months ago, to seize whatever sort of fellowship was available.

Today, I've been letting it all wash over me. Not the tender or happy things, no. I feel disgusting again. Why wasn't that enough? Why do I need to see them? What is wrong with me?

I'm not a very good friend. I don't know, maybe they're right. I hope they can forget about me.

I've been testing my circle too much. One of my dear friends has lent his ear and his time on several occasions now, and I feel just... so rotten. I've asked so much of his patience, his time. I've been trying to heed his advice. I'm trying to be better.

I remember what my friend has told me of his contention, his beliefs about rehabilitation, about accepting people as they are. He's such a bright spot in our world. I wish I could be so radiant. I wish I could feel the meaning of his words.

I've noticed my regressions through the little things. It's in the way I write.

You'll notice, that I use commas incorrectly. An Oxford Comma is meant to accent a pause or distinction between subjects, but I often don't use it that way. I like to use my commas to create emphasis in my literary voice. The way that I say things, when I'm speaking, comes through in how I write.

I think it's really loathsome. I should stop doing that. I try to understand that there are certain traits of a person's character that are better assessed by their peers than by their own self image. I try to think, maybe its better if I don't feel anything about my work. 

I guess I was too shallow to see just how bitter and antisocial I really was. I've had a tendency to shut the world out when I'm feeling like this. I know that it is known quantity that I tend to abuse the Instagram story feature to vent about everything. I'm choosing to leave Instagram because of that. What a vice.

I think about the stuff I keep reserved to my mind. I've become psychotic. I really thought, that I was getting better. I'm not. I'm getting worse every day. I need to be medicated. I sometimes think of consigning myself to an institution. I don't trust myself anymore.

I hope they forget about me. I hope they don't ever think about me, I hope they're not nostalgic for anything I've ever said or done. I hope they forget about me.

I am afraid of them now. I am terrified of them. It's no longer just, that I'm nervous about seeing them. It's that I can't see them. I will not inquire anymore. I'm probably going to betray myself and do that anyways.

He told me he might be back soon and I just... I can't do this. I see them in the distance in my head, and I just hope that I can run away, as fast as I can. I don't want them to see me, I don't want them to think about me anymore.

I don't think I can do this through my own strengths. I need to be medicated. I need to try to use that referral, for a psychiatrist. I think if I can get anti-psychotics, I'll be able forget. I'll be able to dissappear from their lives, this nightmare will be over. I hope they hate me. It is my hope, that they don't really want to see me. It is my hope, that they don't like me at all. It would be so much easier if that were true.

I don't feel ugly until I think about them. And then it happens. Again, and again, and again.

I had an argument with my sister. I don't think it matters what was actually said, what actually happened. I've failed my family, in many ways they likely don't even know. They think I hate them. They think I don't want to be around them. They didn't understand. It doesn't matter if I ever thought I was right, if I was wronged. I've become a proper villain. I can't go home right now. I would walk through the door as I have been for months. I'll return as nothing. I will have nothing to give. I'll have nothing to say.

I'll end it here. Maybe I'll talk next time about my body image problems. That might make a good read, who knows?