HK Blog

I'll tell you what toppled the facade. I lost my most cherished possessions. I lost my baseball jacket and my Palestine necklace. I was sitting down at work thinking, "I think I will be taking my own life sometime this week."  I hope this feeling can pass. I hope I won't want to do it by tommorow. Those little items, they aren't what started it. That was just the right little thing to break the seal for me, I guess. Yesterday I let one of the boys get $40 on Cashapp from me as a gift. He keeps saying he'll pay me back, but I don't care. I don't care. Jamal is a knucklehead, he can use that on fanduel like I know he wanted to. Straight dudes are funny when you treat them like lab mice. When I gave him that money, that's how I knew it was getting worse. I'm always generous, but I've been reckless with my hand lately. I don't value myself anymore. Anyone can get what they want. I don't believe a person with a mind like this has any bus...

Just an advisory, I guess. This one is a little exhausting. If you're a fan of my ruminations, by all means, keep reading, but I'm not proud of this entry. It's all just me and my whining. Boring, if you ask me. Let me start with the good works. With smiles from Gaza. That which fills my heart... Remas and Manal, they are both still alive. Remas has found a solution to her problem, and she has a new campaign. God is good. God is good. Everything is good. Ibrahim is alive, he sent me a video. His neighborhood is nothing but rubble. But he was smiling. He believes in tommorow. Zahr is alive, but her life is difficult. She looks after her husband. She is having to learn so much, in order to save her world. These people, you know... they are the emotional bedrock from which I stake my strength, in this day and age. I am not a superhero, I am not Mr. Schindler. I am just trying to do the best I can. Ibrahim is one I do not text super frequently, as much as he provides me with up...

I'm doing my eyeliner a bit different now because of that psychological insecurity I developed about my eyes. I go along the outside, I keep the tears and inner lids naked. I feel absolutely awful today, but I'm... fine. I'm okay. Nothing bad happening, just regular work. First day since my favorite coworker got moved, I have nobody to talk to anymore. Nobody who really understands what I'm talking about half the time. I can feel anger and distress radiate throughout my body as I sit down in the locker room. I had trouble putting on my eyeliner today because I couldn't stop crying. I was eventually able to do an okay look. Had some lip gloss and everything, whatever. It doesn't even make sense that I feel this bad. Good things happening, great things are coming. There's only one place I could go to make this go away. I do have my passport, I could go to Windsor again. That helped a lot last time. It did so much for me last time. I was still letting them talk...

Few days back a friend in Palestine showed me a receipt of a man asking her to send nudes for donations. There is a feminist, principled way to talk about this. That's not authentic to the feeling... I'm just gonna say what I'm thinking. Some people need to fucking die. Men like that are the scum of the fucking earth. Today I woke up from a dream where one of the guys that plays basketball at work was listening to me describe the pancakes they sell at the Disney World restaurants, and then he tried to fuck me. And I woke up before we actually started fucking, but after we kissed(?). I'm hoping that dream doesn't mean anything other than the basic fact that I like dudes, that much I already know. I don't like this guy nearly enough to warrant all of that. I had a bad cold that prevented me from going to Samhain XXV. What a bummer. But I went out to get food with my friend, and I left my wallet at home. We were in Dearborn and the biggest rat ran across the street...