11/5/25 - Saccharine

I'll tell you what toppled the facade.

I lost my most cherished possessions.

I lost my baseball jacket and my Palestine necklace.

I was sitting down at work thinking, "I think I will be taking my own life sometime this week." 

I hope this feeling can pass. I hope I won't want to do it by tommorow.

Those little items, they aren't what started it. That was just the right little thing to break the seal for me, I guess.

Yesterday I let one of the boys get $40 on Cashapp from me as a gift. He keeps saying he'll pay me back, but I don't care. I don't care. Jamal is a knucklehead, he can use that on fanduel like I know he wanted to. Straight dudes are funny when you treat them like lab mice. When I gave him that money, that's how I knew it was getting worse. I'm always generous, but I've been reckless with my hand lately. I don't value myself anymore. Anyone can get what they want.

I don't believe a person with a mind like this has any business pining after others. And it's the kind of depression where I won't spend any time talking down on myself, waxing on and on about how much I don't measure up, how I don't love myself, whatever whatever. That's so trite, it's meaningless. It's pointless.

I'll know when it's the right day. I'll be as free as a bird. I'll finally be who I should have been. And then I can die.

I dunno why I ever thought I would stand a chance. I don't know where that confidence ever came from. Maybe I was right to think I could, but that feels like another me.

Other people shouldn't be bothered with such consistent ruminations of failure and shame. My friends... I've let them down. I've let them down so many times. I wish I could make them proud. I keep letting you guys down, I'm sorry. I'm trying to figure out how to be somebody worth knowing. Somebody that can be loved. I'm not sure I'm close to figuring that out.

I don't know how to do it.

My last few blog posts have been so bitter and confused, so mean spirited and ugly in their feelings. I'm so sorry, guys. I should never let myself indulge in such confused and manipulative behavior ever again. I make up names for the people in my mind out of "respect," but it's not respectful. It's cowardly, craven. It's not like me. And yet, I guess it is, y'know?

I can't apologize anymore. I don't believe I've earned the forgiveness of anyone. And apologizing doesn't absolve culpability.

Real straw that broke the camel's back moment today. I think they were stolen at work.

I spent the last 15 minutes of my shift crying silently in the corner. I drove home with water in my eyes, so I had to keep wiping them so I could see. Those items were just the final push to open the floodgates. I've been dabbling in self sabotage the last two weeks. Intentionally avoiding clear communication because I didn't want my loved ones to think about me anymore. I didn't want any new connections because I didn't want anyone to care about if I lived or died. I didn't want to feel strong emotions for people anymore. I spent the whole car drive thinking about what would happen to my friends and family if I died. I find myself thinking fondly of harming myself and taking my own life. It's just a bad downswing. I'm praying I just forget about that coat, that necklace. Those are just items. If i can forget objects, then I can forget people.

It's psychotic. I was telling myself a few days ago that I've got to find a way to make this girl hate me, so then I wouldnt have to figure out how I felt about them. Because I wasn't ready to think about it. 

I felt that I wasn't stable enough to try anything with somebody special. I thought it would be better to try my hand at being caustic, and indirectly sabotage myself by oversharing in everyone's face, so that my peers wouldn't feel comfortable listening to me anymore.

I'm thinking I probably succeeded in my task. I think I lost all my people, man. I just know it. I'll have to really work a long time on this, I know.

I should have noticed a heavy downswing was coming. The last few days, I've felt hideous, and I didn't like seeing myself. I didn't like what I saw in the mirror. There was a day where I tried taking a hundred pictures to convince myself I didn't look like some sort of gargoyle freak. I don't think it worked, for the moment.

I'll tell you what's really sick about it. I looked at myself after I woke up, with all the tears dried on my face. I look pretty again, all of a sudden. Maybe I'm more bent up than I ever knew. Maybe I just cried all of the trouble out of my system.

Either way, glad I changed my eyeliner look to keep my inner tear ducts free. Say what you will about that self sabotaging bitch from a week ago, but she ate that.

My friend told me, in earnest, that she doesn't think I have fully healed from my experience in my last relationship. I think she's right, but I don't like the idea that everything is "their" fault. That's not how it works, I feel like. It's me ruining myself. That's my problem. I sound like a man right now. Maybe she was right about me.

Won't this bitch ever have a good day... I keep hoping I will. I was laughing off getting physically mutilated for hours at work, I was choosing to take nothing as seriously as I should've.

That's part of it, maybe. I dunno. I talk about a lot of really serious stuff like it's funny. I only feel that way when it's about me.

I remember describing the day she took advantage of me to my friend. I was so casual about it, and I think I unsettled him. He told me, "I guess all you can do is laugh, huh?"

Yes! Of course! He got it! But that doesn't mean we really should though, right? I keep doing stuff just to avoid the tears. If I really let myself sit down with my mind for a whole day, I'd probably cry about it at least once or twice every day. Maybe I should let myself do that instead of doing this.

I haven't been very considerate, patient, or kind with the ladies in my head. They're not in my head, yknow. Real people, what a wonderful thing. I disrespected some good people with my psychological aberration. That's not right.

So I guess I'm not a girl's girl... that's disappointing. I think that's the worst part of it, to me.

I won't refer to anybody in my depositions. I won't allude to any real people. In fact, this might even be the last public entry of this entire blog project.

I think I've learned what I needed to learn from this experiment. I say too much bullshit. Hmm. I feel like I lost my wonderwall about it.

I'm gonna learn to accept this guilt as being necessary for my growth. And now that I know this isn't the right apparatus, I'll look to something else. I'll figure out a healthier way to stake this tent to the ground.

I'll let you guys go. Thank you for reading my blog. Be safe everyone. I'll figure something out.