12/11/25 - Breakfast at Tiffany's

The work week gruff sees fit to do me in, but I haven't had a single reason to quit.

I believe in the capability of our world, in spite of it's many pointed challenges towards our collective hope.

1.6 Million dead in Tigray. It's enough to make you think it'll never get better. It's more than enough to make you give up. None of those people will ever come back to us. We allowed this to happen. Again.

So much has changed since the last time we've had to stand against the axis of evil. I try my best not to be a political aesthete, you know. I would seek to value the advantages that we have, I would seek to utilize those strengths the best we can. But I will not lie to you, friends... it becomes difficult to tolerate all the distractions. It becomes difficult to value the glories of the mundane.

But the film is a sad thing, for I wrote it ten times or more. It's about to be writ again, as I ask her to focus on sailors fighting in the dance hall... oh, man! Look at those cavemen go! It's the freakiest show!

The song and dance of congeniality and moderation has started to become unbearable. I'm tired of sitting down and letting the marauders walk past. I don't care to be enveloped in the shadow of pedophiles and mass murderers.

It's not normal, at all. It's like I'm waiting to snap again. I'm put into the mind of that film Network once again. That beautiful shade of yellow rears it's head once again. Oh, any time I see that screaming shade, it makes my day. Any version of it, I swear. Sometimes it's more saturated, sometimes It's got a pinch of orange in there. I love it every time I see it.

I'm finding comfort in haptic aesthetics. It's really something worth pulling my hair out.

I  want to buy one of those banana colored raincoats they used to wear in the movies. I need to surround myself with dandelion colored knick knacks or I might just lose my mind.

Ohhhhh...I should do a new photoset. I'm listening to Sade to help get my mind off the fact that none of my coworkers got here until after 12 so I wasn't able to do my makeup, grab lunch... nothing.

Sometimes I wish I could be that beautiful, like Sade, y'know? If only. I think even 3 years down the line in this transition, I still won't feel beautiful. I feel like it will have very little to do with whether or not I really am or not.

I forgot to finish this one. See you soon!

12/10/25 - Baby

I'm lucky to have pre-scheduled my appointment on Saturday. I predicted that I would have a refreshed wave of sadness yesterday, it is premonition that I never wanted have.

I worry that I will feel alienated and stressed out on Saturday. I don't wanna look bad in front of the TV Lounge people. They still haven't gotten back to me so... I'll just assume they didn't mean to send that shit. At all. Whatever. Whatever happens happens.

I find that I range from feeling like the ugliest person alive to feeling like a once in a lifetime beauty just about every other day. Maybe that's the most convincingly feminine thing I have written in this blog.

I'm trying to save up to buy a netrunner bodysuit. The shiny all black kind the VDB's wear, the one V gets by default.

I want to make it part of my stage presence. I'm also gonna buy a nice wig. As in, not some ratty, shitty looking one. And yes, it's gotta be Jet Black. The bodysuit is the only splurge for this paycheck, too.

I am not buying no motherfucking camera. That's not my trade, not my lane. I trust the experts. They'll figure that out. If I gotta be ugly to eat, I'll be ugly. I understand that not everybody gets to be pretty. I don't want to be famous, I just want to actualize the potential that I know I have within me. I basically feel like I have to make it work in music because I know deep down I have the capability to help people in ways only I could do. I have the ability to create the change I want to see in the world, and I will not allow myself to let this moment pass me by. I will be a meaner person if I have to, but I am sick and tired of being denied what I know I deserve. I deserve to have real support, affirmation, I deserve to be loved. I keep thinking about the mantra of that psycho fuckin movie X

"I WILL NOT ACCEPT A LIFE I DO NOT DESERVE!"

I think the term people use for this sorta thing is "hungry." I guess I am very hungry. Not just for survival, food and shelter, it's more than that. I don't want to be idolized, I don't want to be worshipped. I don't want to be seen as anything other than the person I know I am, and I know that I am incredible. I know that I am one of a kind, and I am worth people's patience and love. I am sick and tired of having peers who ignore me and belittle me. I'm not having that anymore.

And yet not a single friend of mine is anything but the brightest star. I use epithets for the sake of discretion when gossiping, but here is no gossip. I love my friends. I Iove them all, I worry sick about them. Even if I know they don't worry about me.

Sometimes I think I have the sort of neurodivergence that makes me a difficult presence to acquiesce to. How can I say... I get the feeling that I am loved by many and liked by almost no one. And no I didn't reverse it by accident. I think that people would be really sad if I died, but I don't think they care that much how I'm doing while I'm alive. It's kind of a bitchy, narcissistic thing to think about myself.

I remember when he (Spider-Man) was telling me about her (Warhol) inner life. I think for a moment I was an interloper in their internal world, despite being welcomed towards his insights into her circumstances. I remember feeling bad for her when he essentially told me that she didn't have a whole lot of friends she saw or talked to consistently outside of spending time with him. I tried taking this assessment with a grain of salt because there's always a lot we don't see about each other, and part of me went into my questioning with an impartial mode of analysis given that obviously each party in the breakup would want to tailor their perspective testimony to favor their side, right?

But part of me thinks he was telling the truth, to a certain degree. See, I know what kind of dynamic she's got. She has a lot of friends, but she's an introvert. She likes to be selective about when and where she indulges moments of sociability with loved ones. I don't think that's weird at all. This fact does tend to come at the detriment of the introvert's ability to balance this fact of their character with their need for connection, especially with their partners, is the thing that complicates it.

I think from what he described, there was a codependency problem between them. I think it was pretty layered, based on what both of them said. And what sucked is that I could relate to a lot of it, cause that was my experience with Ghislaine.

There was a class disparity, for starters. Spidey and I are working class people with zero connections or generational wealth. We are both people of color. Now, he's an Asian immigrant, and I'm a native Black Detroiter, so there are differences in what we've got going on. But the similarity is that we have to keep working, all the time, to be able to make it work. Never in my life have I used my parent's credit card to buy some shit 'cept a Lil Ceasars Pizza and a Snickers. We were talking about how we could never afford to fail a class in college cause we could only go off merit scholarships that saved us a lifetime of debt. We talking so broke we can't even get approved for the loans in the first place.

What was I talking about? Oh yeah.

God I need him so fucking bad. I'm gonna get over it again. Somehow.

It's been a few hours. I had dinner with my sister and I was loud as fuck, best Ki I've had in a brick. Food was good asl, too.

Last thing, last thing.

I'm gonna write two more songs for the album. Let me tell about the first one.

It's about speculation, yeah, but it's actually about Persephone. I just wanna get to know her, is all. I won't say more than I should... just that I want the chance to see her face. Man, if I could hear what her laugh sounds like. If I could make her smile, it'd make my year.

The second song is about Remas. It's a folk tune, about six legged spiders in the church of the Date Palm. That's the translated name of Deir Al-Balah. It's a song about keeping your eyes and ears open. About picking a six legged spider out of a crowd. Because the truth is a Zionist, a fascist, a murderer can be any religion, any race, any background.

That's it for today. I'll see you guys soon, gonna listen to more Geese.

12/9/25 - Oh Shit I Remembered

LISTEN TO CIBO MATTO!!!!!!

RIGHT

NOW!!!!!!

12/9/25 - Balatro

HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤

I FOUND YOU OUT

WE GOT A NEW EPITHET! 

WE GOT A NEW NAME!

JEAN MICHEL NO MORE! 

YOU GET TO BE SOMETHING MUCH, MUCH WORSE!

ANDY WARHOL, BABY!!!!🤭🤭💀💀💀💔💅🙅‍♀️🙅‍♀️🙅‍♀️🙅‍♀️ YOU ARE NOT WHO I THOUGHT YOU WERE! OH.MY.GOD.

HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO HIM? HOW? HOW?! WHY?!

WHY WOULD YOU LIE?!

I can't believe I ever had feelings for somebody who would do that to someone... my word, fam.

So basically Griffith called me and I found out that Jean Michel (now called Warhol) was a liar! She really hurt him! I can't believe he was going through this the whole time... why didn't he tell me? Why couldn't he tell me?

How could I ever doubt my friend? I love him so much...

This makes the whole situation so much more complicated. Oh my God, dude.

I know that Warhol's friend (we'll call her Diva) was stalking my page. I think she knows about the complications regarding my relationship with these people, now. I'm not rly friends with Diva so idc rly what she thinks as much as I'm very disappointed and concerned with Warhol.

Suffice to say, Persephone is now NUMBER 1 on the yearning list (Hi Gorgeous😘 I'm still crazy)! Griffith is now number 3, and until I obtain new information, Warhol is number 8474773737 like Jesus Christ I was WRONG. I guess I got to meet our generation's Jackson Pollock cause... girl.

GIRL. YOU WAS DOIN HIM LIKE LIL BOW WOW😭😭😭😭😭 LEAVE THAT MAN ALONE

Wild man's world is cryin' in pain

What you gonna do when everybody's insane?

So afraid of one who's so afraid of you

What you gonna do?

Another day has started, and now I can write about it a bit more cogently.

So the thing is, learning this information about Warhol has made a lot about her personality and uncertain behavior make more sense. My worries about her swinging pendulum of interest and attatchment, her sudden aloofness in public settings... the fact she was at a bar when she called me...

It makes sense now. Of course I would know what that is.

I do wish Griffith and I didn't have all of this in common. There's maybe something to be said about these artsy white girls who go after fruity colored folk... I'll leave it at that.

He needs a new epithet. We will be calling him Spider-Man from now on. Because he's a young broke photographer in New York, lmao.

But let me tell you something... I am worried about Warhol. No, I am not interested in Warhol (Titania/Jean Michel) anymore. That infatuation has passed. But I am worried about her whole situation, now knowing what I know.

It makes so much sense... why else would all of those college people still follow Spider-Man if they knew what I knew before yesterday?

He told me that they all know what he just told me... and it's like... oh!

It all clicked! Everybody knows about her! And nobody wants to say anything!

Woh! CLASH! Into the rolling morning!

FLASH! I'm in the coolest driver's high!

えあいせ で また あおう、 yeah!

I can't say I don't understand the compulsion, I just... wish somebody could have stepped in years ago. Years ago, man! She's in danger!

I just... I'm gonna transition to our next section of gossip.

The Deanna Saga

To make a long story short: Deanna isn't talking to me anymore because she feels bad that she had unresolved romantic attachments to her perceived version of me that she had before she knew I was trans. She feels bad that she has a hard time letting go of calling me Gabriel and He/Himming me. She said she doesn't think we can talk anymore while she sorts out her feelings...

So basically I have been betrayed by a trusted friend. This is what it feels like.

Huh.

What do you even say to that, right? I told my twin about it, and they were like "Wait, what?"

Absolutely nothing in my life has made sense and honestly! Slay!😘😘😘 I'm gonna buy a gun.

Probably a Beretta. I like those ones.

I'm sitting at the front desk listening to the Balatro theme. I was listening to Brian Eno and Talking Heads and shit earlier.

For an idea of what this project is gonna sound like, think somewhere between Charli XCX Brat, Talking Heads Remain In Light, Imogen Heap Speak For Yourself, and J Dilla The Shining.

Yes it is that good.

Now there are some other big influences on this project. Obvious the B-52's Cosmic Thing and Funkadelic Maggot Brain are also a big influence on the sound of this one, but I'm allowing some influence back from places I typically never wore on my sleeve.

Here is a list of projects and artists that influenced Hepburn by Adri HK. You can use this as a music recommendation list, too.

This is gonna be a long list. If you would like to listen to all this, be ready to have your entire brain chemistry ruined for years.

When it comes to the listed works, I'm trying to include the albums I've actually been consistently listening to. There's a lot of good material from these artists that I don't listen to that much of.

I'll underline personal reccs of stuff not as famous.

B-52's - The B-52's

Wild Planet - The B-52's

Whammy - The B-52's

Cosmic Thing - The B-B-52's

Surf's Up! - The Beach Boys

Pet Sounds - The Beach Boys

Sunflower - The Beach Boys

The Sensual World - Kate Bush

The Dreaming - Kate Bush

Hounds of Love - Kate Bush

The Kick Inside - Kate Bush

Never for Ever - Kate Bush

DS2 - Future

The Monster - Future

Future - Future

The WZRD - Future

I Never Liked You - Future

Free Roc - Doughboyz Cashout

No Deal On Chill - Doughboyz Cashout

Past, Present, and Future - The RAH Band

Oil of Every Pearls Un-Insides - SOPHIE

Brat - Charli XCX

True Romance - Charli XCX

How I'm Feeling Now - Charli XCX

Number 13 - The Cleaners From Venus

Stone Roses - Stone Roses

Surrealistic Pillow - Jefferson Airplane

Pendulum - Creedence Clearwater Revival

Fancy That - Pinkpantheress

Heaven Knows - Pinkpantheress

To Hell With It - Pinkpantheress

Imaginal Disk - Magdalena Bay

Speak For Yourself - Imogen Heap

I, Megaphone - Imogen Heap

Bad Girls - Donna Summer

Makes Me Higher - Unyque

Bloom - Beach House

Heaven Or Las Vegas - Cocteau Twins

Four Calender Cafe - Cocteau Twins

Treasure - Cocteau Twins

Head Over Heels - Cocteau Twins

Fast Forward - Juan Atkins

Technicolor - Metroplex

Tour De France - Kraftwerk

Computer World - Kraftwerk

Techno Pop - Kraftwerk

Substance Abuse - F.U.S.E. & Richie Hawtin

Minus Orange - Richie Hawtin

Homework - Daft Punk

Human After All - Daft Punk

The Money Store - Death Grips

Exmilitary - Deaths Grips

Remain In Light - The Talking Heads

'77 - The Talking Heads

Fear of Music - The Talking Heads

The Shining - J Dilla

Donuts - J Dilla

XXX - Danny Brown

Atrocity Exhibition - Danny Brown

uknowhatimsayin? - Danny Brown

Quaranta - Danny Brown

Stardust - Danny Brown

Scaring the Hoes - Danny Brown & Jpegmafia

Wallsocket - Underscores

Star - 2Hollis

White Tiger - 2Hollis

Heavy Metal - Cameron Winter

 > Note: I'm new to the Geese world I still have to do a full listen of one their projects

In Utero - Nirvana

Nevermind - Nirvana

Nirvana - Nirvana

Horses - Patti Smith Group

Waves - Patti Smith Group

Easter - Patti Smith Group

The Noise Made By People - Broadcast

Tender Buttons - Broadcast

Stronger Than Pride - Sade

Love Deluxe - Sade

Promise - Sade

Diamond Life - Sade

Soldier of Love - Sade

Lover's Rock - Sade

Nightclubbing - Grace Jones

Maggot Brain - Funkadelic

Funkentelechy vs The Placebo Syndrome - Parliament

Motor Booty Affair - Parliament

Mothership Connection - Parliament

Expensive Shit - Fela Kuti

Low - David Bowie

Hunky Dory - David Bowie

Blackstar - David Bowie

The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust - David Bowie

Young Americans - David Bowie

Space Oddity - David Bowie

Station to Station - David Bowie

And In The Darkness, Hearts Aglow - Weyes Blood

Titanic Rising - Weyes Blood

Front Row Seat to Earth - Weyes Blood

Tapestry - Carole King

Make It Big - Wham!

Revolver - The Beatles

The Beatles - The Beatles

Abbey Road - The Beatles

Yellow Submarine - The Beatles

 > Note: No, you will not convince me this one is bad.

Rubber Soul - The Beatles

A Hard Day's Night - The Beatles

Are You Experienced? - The Jimi Hendrix Experience

Axis: Bold As Love - The Jimi Hendrix Experience

Electric Ladyland - The Jimi Hendrix Experience

Fly Or Die - N.E.R.D.

Seeing Sounds - N.E.R.D.

Live! Destroy All Monsters - Destroy All Monsters

Bored - Destroy All Monsters

Live in Tokyo - Destroy All Monsters

Silver Wedding Anniversary - Destroy All Monsters

Annoyance and Dissappointment - Dawid Podsiadło

Deaths Head Speaks - Simulation

Labyrinth - Bellacross

non-canon - Rockin' Riley

Lil Demon 2008 Comp 1 - Lil Demon 2008

 > Note: Meredith is my eternal friend and rival. She is who I'm looking to match in capability

Ale Eih Beyessalouni - Warda

Nassay - Sherine

Nazam A3eesh - Sherine

 >Note: Thank you for the reccomendation, Remas♡♡♡

Emperor Tomato Ketchup - Stereolab

Dots and Loops - Stereolab

Margarine Eclipse - Stereolab

Instant Holograms on Metal Film - Stereolab

SAVED! - Reverend Kristin Michael Hayter

SINNER GET READY - LINGUA IGNOTA

CALIGULA - LINGUA IGNOTA

ALL BITCHES DIE - LINGUA IGNOTA

Long Season - Fishmans

Tidal - Fiona Apple

Fetch The Boltcutters - Fiona Apple

Let's Hope Heteros Fail, Learn, and Retire

- Alice Longyu Gao

Assembling Symbols Into My Own Poetry

- Alice Longyu Gao

mr.siLLyfLow - Tisakorean

Let Me Update My Status - Tisakorean

Jazz Codes - Moor Mother

Black Encyclopedia of the Air - Moor Mother

t.i.a.p.f.y.h. - LeftAtLondon

The Educated Youth - Bryan Away

Canyons to Sawdust - Bryan Away

A Ticket To Ride - Carpenters

Close To You - Carpenters

Post - Björk

Fossora - Björk

Utopia - Björk

Vespertine - Björk

Debut - Björk

Homogenic - Björk

The "Chirping" Crickets - Buddy Holly & The Crickets

The Stooges - The Stooges

Funhouse - The Stooges

Search and Destroy - The Stooges

Lust For Life - Iggy Pop

White Stripes - White Stripes

White Blood Cells - White Stripes

Elephant - White Stripes

Boarding House Reach - Jack White

Blunderbuss - Jack White

Section .80 - Kendrick Lamar

Good Kid, M.a.a.d. City - Kendrick Lamar

To Pimp A Butterfly - Kendrick Lamar

DAMN. - Kendrick Lamar

Garden of the Mutilated Paratroopers - Prurient

 > Note: This is a harsh noise record. Please be careful listening to this. Don't have the volume up high if you're not used to this sort of stuff.

Mr Morale and the Big Steppers - Kendrick Lamar

GNX - Kendrick Lamar

Melt My Eyes, See My Future - Denzel Curry

King of the Mischevious South - Denzel Curry

Jeffrey - Young Thug

Barter 6 - Young Thug

Slime Season - Young Thug

Mignonne - Taeko Onuki

Ultra Blue - Utada

This Is The One - Utada

Jagged Little Pill - Alanis Morissette

Rapture - Anita Baker

Floral Shoppe - Macintosh Plus/Vektroid

Odyssey - HOME

Before the Night - HOME

Stereotype A - Cibo Matto

Viva La Woman! - Cibo Matto

And there's probably a billion other projects and songs I'm just. Forgetting?

Have fun with that! I'll see you guys soon♤♡◇♧☆☆☆☆☆☆♡♡♡♡♡

12/7/25 - I Know

All I can ever muster to think about is a girl. It is all my thoughts could ever find of me. I guess it's still a stranger thing for me to be.

All I ever think about it is how can I impress her? What sort person would she want? If I could tell her...

I think about how much I wish I could have known. I think about how much I think could have grown if I was not a girl who thinks about a girl so far away.

If I was ever half as smart as some of those people say, then I would leave it, I would leave her, just right well alone.

Am I a plaything of her waking hours, a lolcow for her eyes when she scrolls back forth and down? I would welcome such a privilege to make her laugh. Maybe.

Maybe...

I know that I am worth far more than that. I am an equal to everyone. Whether they like that fact or not.

But I'm not thinking of winning over the cunning girl, the lady seems so shrewd. She seems to know just what to do, but I remember... I remember how she keeps it all together. She's figuring it out too. And she's okay with losing "you," (that's me) ma'am.

[How great it is to have never been a factor. We didn't know each other well enough.]

I think my heart is set upon on a visitation. This lovely girl, she sits aside the confines of our network. She sits aside her door aware as she gets ready to take over my mind, I would never know what she would mean to do, but I would mean to tell her, *I want the chance to get to know you, so I might have a chance to love you.*

I still love sappy stuff like that, I know she might not go for that (lmao). I don't think I'll ever know.

I think I'll write again today. Ill cheat a bit.