HK Blog

Its another broken record entry. You can skip if it's not fun anymore. ------- How would you talk about it? This is painful, at this point. I almost want to filibuster my own deposition a bit, you know... like, what is so tertiary in my life? I need something that I could bluff with, right? I almost don't want to say anything about it. Because I'm so blessed, it seems disgusting to care so much. I should find a way to forget about it. I am grateful for the love I have fostered in my life. I am grateful for tenderness, and touch. But for whatever reason... I'm not able to walk above this sort of feeling, right? I have lost the ability to think about anything else. I'm getting distracted, again. I will be an adult and do nothing about any of it. That was a joke, for our true believers out there. Im eating less to flagellate myself for remembering that feeling, of looking into her eyes. Not good, not good at all. In my works, I emphasize contrasts in color. I always wa...

I want to stop loving her. This can't good for my mental health anymore. It's just a matter of psychologically malajusted limerence. It will pass if I allow it to. Maybe I shouldn't have agreed to the conference. Maybe I shouldn't have allowed myself the pleasure of her company, the warmth of her conversation. Maybe it's just my imagination running away with me. I just want her to say no. I want her to tell me to go away, to give it up. It's too much. This uncertainty is too much. I want to remember her in my every waking moment. I want to never think about her again. This is unnatural and emotionally perverse. I want to stop asking her about her day. I want stop itching for that knowing. I want to be incurious about her feelings, her life, and her worries. I can't stand knowing it. I've allowed myself to be infatuated again. I have been blessed to have a gaggle of friends who love me quite enough. I'm not by any stretch starved of touch or affection...