I got cold feet again. I didn't talk to her. Inferiority started to overtake my initial upswing. I thought that maybe I would be wasting her time. She does really impressive stuff, higher profile work. She's a titan, and I just don't think I have any business trying to subtly ask out somebody who lives in another state, even if it's drivable.
I'd just be wasting her time, that's what the prions are telling me right now. It's not because I don't think I'm interesting, no, it's not that. It's that I'm kind of poor and live with my parents, even though my sis and I are supposed to move out in November. I make $32k, and I'm below budget right now, rationing until payday on Friday. I'm not in a place financially or in my residence where I have any business trying to strike up anything with people that have actual lives.
I know that all of that stuff is bullshit and I'm just too in my own head. I know that it's not really like that. Just because I'm in a transitional period doesn't mean I can't meet new people. But what kind of people? I can't help but feel like I would drag down almost anybody worth looking at. My ex dragged me down because they had literally zero actual drive whatsoever, and relied on their rich mom and *me* to make their whole life happen for them.
(Side note: I had to do their midterms and draft their finals for them multiples times. The actual video portion of their midterm last year was entirely my work, they didn't do any of that. I shot and edited the whole thing, I wrote the scripts, too. I never actually said that to anyone before today.)
Now, I'm not saying that I would be an equivalent burden on someone in a more successful station than me. But I've got to be honest in saying that experience kind of scared me straight, y'know? And the worst part is acknowledging that letting fear of stuff like that control me is exactly what could lead me to actually becoming a real burden to any potential partner I have in the future. So basically I'm choosing to build up confidence in my strengths again, before I try seeing anybody in a capacity like that.
Here are things I know about myself. I am financially secure and responsible, I have ZERO credit card debt (yes, really). I am outgoing and creative (feels weird saying good things about myself), I have a lot of close friends and maintain a good relationship with my family. I have job security, and have the ability to move up or switch positions with my experience and education. It feels weird to say this about myself as I feel this is a trait better appraised by peers than by an individual, but I am a very generous person, and a very patient person. I like to give, I like to help, I don't mind waiting, for as long as it takes. I always aim to be kind, to be conscientious, and I never want to be vulgar or forward.
Now, within some of those positive traits, you can surmise some issues I have. I have only recently started to assert myself, only recently have I tried to be a more confident person. I have, historically, had very low self esteem, and I often will not say things or omit things simply because I didn't have the gumption to say what I'm really thinking/feeling.
One of the worst things a couple can do is leave a lot of anxieties unspoken. I kind of used to let myself bottle up everything I felt. I wouldn't lash out, but I do resign, and I have ghosted people rather than confront them.
Despite having control over my actions and words, my actual locus of control over my real internal emotions is... shakey, at best. I'm sure you can see that in this blog. I am often nervous or sad more than I am happy and satisfied, even in circumstances where I don't really have any reason to feel that way. I'm one of those people who will apologize A LOT, sometimes for seemingly no reason, because I unfortunately cannot shake that pervasive feeling that I am always in trouble all the time. It's to the point where I would never expect to be paid back for anything by my friends, and hold zero sense of karmic debt on the people I love, but I do expect others to do all of that to me.
This is kind of related to one of the more embarrassing issues I have, which is partially due to my upbringing, but also just a character flaw I try to address: I cannot accept assistance or help in doing literally anything. I never ask for help. This isn't very woke or gender affirming of me to admit, but this is typically a trait observed among men. What can I say?
The thing is, this is also a very Black problem to have. Black people, despite what racists will tell you, absolutely despise the idea of getting free handouts. Black people tend to really lionize the idea of doing everything yourself, having zero help, being self made. What sucks about my family is that everybody is like this. 2020 was the first time a lot of us learned to humble ourselves to actually utilize our support systems and me, my twin, my Mom and Dad have all had our own struggles with accepting that we can't actually do every single thing by ourselves.
I am still trying to learn how to ask for help. If you see me trying to carry molten lava in my bare hands because I couldn't be bothered to ask for gloves, just know that I'm trying to work on that.
Also if it wasn't obvious from this blog, I tend to get locked inside of my own head a lot. Just a ball of anxiety. Way too caught up in my own bag. I have been doing less of this lately, but I used to turn down good opportunities for fun or work alike, because I convinced myself I didn't deserve it. Sometimes I kind of do the reverse reasoning where I won't do something fun or advantageous because I'm too stuck up with my "principles" or moral objections. I promise I'm not trying to make myself seem like Ms. Morally Perfect, I'm saying that I can be kind of boring and "no fun" in certain scenarios. Like, I only started actually smoking in general last year, because I was convinced that partaking would be disadvantageous to my sustained mental health. To this day, I refuse to have more than two drinks within the span of 6 hours. Nerd shit like that, y'know.
I also acknowledge that there is such a thing as being "too" self aware. Just because I think I know so much about myself doesn't mean I'm actually in control of all of my vices. There are flaws and strengths I have that I don't even know about. I am actively working on trying to be less "on" all the time, learning how to turn my brain off and relax. Even the stuff I like to unwind with is work. I like really headache inducing stuff like political theory, Master Grade model kits, and Ableton Live. I love playing Gran Turismo and stressing about time attack records between street legal tuner cars. I love books and movies and TV and stuff, I can be kind of annoying about it. I'm a nerd is what I'm saying. Which is not to say I'm not athletic or anything, I'm just a nerd.
I am a good dancer (I'd put money on it) and I love to go to the club. I'm kind of a club rat, I'll never say no to it. Any kind, too. I used to do track when I was younger, and I love swimming, too. I love being at the beach, but I don't go very often. Being in the water helps me think. I do love being in very congested, loud, and active places, just as much as quiet, intimate settings, so if that's not your thing, I get it.
I'm realizing that I'm basically making a pitch bible about myself for the purpose of dating. Which is kind of... weird. Idk I kind of do weird shit like this a lot on here.
I talk a lot, if that wasn't obvious. You would assume somebody who fashions themselves as being really anxious, erudite, and self conscious would be more of an introvert, but I'm way more annoying than that. I'm a huge extrovert. I love knowing what other people are thinking. I am constantly writing and mixing and saying shit. I do have my bachelor's in Political Science, the worst most disgusting major of all, so do not ever assume I don't have an opinion on something.
Sometimes I do feel a bit ashamed of how much art I've put out into the world. I dunno why. Let me tell you a story of when I understated my output.
This was the day I decided I had to eventually cut off my ex, BTW. It was the last day of the people's conference. I have already talked about the specific stuff that my ex did that really hurt me and whatever, so I'll skip ahead. I remember when we met up with a friend of mine I hadn't seen in a few who was also attending the conference. We had just gotten out of Rashida's rally at the end. We were outside Cobo talking about stuff, and one of their friends I hadn't met before asked if my ex and I were artists.
That day, I was trying not to burst into tears and have a mental breakdown because of how my ex yelled at me and pulled me around and made me pay for everything...
If one of the friends I made at the conference reads my blog, I just want to say, I don't want to convince you that lady I was with was like Epstein Hitler or like a predator or anything (even though they did kind of... nevermind). They were just... not very good to me. I'm sure they can be a great friend to others.
So when my friend told him about how prolific my output as an artist is (she was being nice, she didn't do anything wrong) I kind of just tried to bring attention off of myself by saying like "Yeah, I do beats and stuff sometimes... here and there."
Reader, I have, to this day, released 8 albums and numerous more EPs. I've done lot more work than just " a few beats here and there."
The thing is that the guy was so nice, he was asking me like, do you play any instruments?
And it was so difficult to keep myself from crying that I kind of just said like, "Yeah I, uh... I used to play stuff in school, kinda. And I could do drums sometimes when I was little, kinda. But I mostly just press buttons on the computer, yknow."
I can play Trumpet, French Horn, Drums, and (weirdly) Ocarina. I didn't say any of that?
He asked me if I sing, and I was like, "Eh, kinda, not really. I'm not a good singer, I just do vocals every now and again. I'm really just a techno person."
Just lying for no reason. I was really intimidated and afraid and I just wanted that day to end, but I sort of disrespected that guy by not giving him an honest answer. I remember my friend being a little confused, and I could feel my presence bringing down the vibe. I was grateful that they sort of ended the interaction soon after that.
I try really hard not to be like that, but I guess if I become skittish and passive like that, take it as a sign that there's something wrong that I'm not talking about.
I feel bad again. My supervisor likes to make work more frustrating and pedantic for the sake of "professionalism." It's aggravating. "Waves of depression," I'll never be able to fight that riptide.
My biggest flaw is my apprehension towards intimacy. It's something I try to counteract, but it's been a long and difficult journey towards being as vulnerable and extroverted as I am now. I do not like to use my upbringing as a crutch to explain my shortcomings, so I will not explain any of it. It is my job to be better.
When I experience a downswing, I tend to just sit by myself a lot. It's times like these where I write, and I don't say much of anything at all. Suddenly the motormouth is gone.
I do have a terrible fear of being taken advantage of, and I often struggle with intrusive thoughts that make it difficult to ever want to be intimate with anyone. I often fear that if I try to ask somebody out that I would be ruining their day, so I don't do it. In my upswings I'm super outgoing, I literally went on a date last week. Right now, that feels impossible.
I hope all of this bullshit helps explain why my blog is the way it is. Idk. I feel like maybe I wrote this with the belief that if this girl I keep thinking about reads this, maybe she won't have any interest in me and I won't have to actually try my hand.
That's a cowardly thing to do. So I won't do it. Here is the final piece of my puzzle. I am constantly at odds with my own nature. I do a lot and achieve a lot, and its all in spite of what I'm feeling. I force myself to do things that I'm afraid of doing, a lot.
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna ask when she's in town, and I'm gonna do it with sweat on my forehead, with a ringing in my ears. I'll wait for an answer with a jpeg of a nuclear bomb in my head. And I will peacefully accept whatever they tell me with cold, clammy skin and bloodshot eyes.
I think that sums up my deal pretty well, right? If Newport Guru reads this, they can tell me if I'm wrong. They would know.
Ill see you guys soon.
