I'm writing with exactly one person in mind today. I'm processing some very bitter and wrathful emotions. I want to believe that the things I think in my head are not what defines me, but its hard to be anywhere but inside my head when every single day I am completely isolated.
The following is just psychotic Nothings. Whatever.
I'm sick and fucking tired of trying to be nonchalant. Fuck it, fuck it! I'm not chic enough for you! I'm not aesthetic! I'm not white enough! Too scary, too aggressive! I'm not what you wished I was, is that it? God I can't fucking stand you.
I know your contention. You do believe I'm just a man playing pretend, don't you? The way I write, the way I talk... it's not convincing enough for you? You don't think a real trans woman should be like that.You don't like that I'm alone now. They're not here to soften my presence anymore. You know exactly who I'm talking about. All that abuse, all those tears... you think I'm some kind of actor, don't you? You think just because I was born a man that means I've never been taken advantage of? That I've never been pulled around and treated like an object? Is that what you think? You think I'm not acting as a victim should act? This is probably in the playbook of what you've expected. You really are a genius. You're not even actually reading what I'm saying because you feel like you already know. You're such a fucking narcissist.
Why do you bother? Why are you keeping up this stupid fucking charade? Why? You don't like doing this, so why are you doing it?
I bet you don't even believe anything I told you. You think I was playing it up on the phone, when I was crying and stuttering? You really think I would call somebody if I didn't mean it? You think I'm some kind of slipshod little transvestite freak? You don't like that I know that one guy, you don't understand what he likes about me. If it helps, he doesn't fucking like me. He's pretending, you're all pretending.
I seem so untethered and bizarre to you, a little too forward and intense, is that right? Fuck you.
I know you aren't gonna read this, which is a damn shame, because if you did, you would be able to see this message:
Block me on every single thing. Insta, TT, texts and even fucking Whatsapp. Unfollow me. Do not save my number. Do not ever look at anything I post online again. Do not think about me, do not mention me. You can forget about that invite, I'm not coming up there. You are the last person I want to see. If I ever see you again, no I fucking didn't. If you ever see me, cross the fucking street. Do not ever try to talk to me. Do not ever try any small talk. Don't talk to my family members, don't talk to my friends, don't get any ideas.
You are not trusted. I don't know why I ever wanted to see you people.
You know exactly what you saw when I was sitting keeled over outside. I was actively being used like a slave and you didn't fucking care. We were never friends.
I got it all out, I've exorcised it. Going back to work. Whatever, love you.
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