11/24/25 - Rêve
They say within low self esteem hides a sort of narcissism or arrogance. It's a self obsession predicated on guilt and shame👎👎. I'm learning to understand that I must think less about how I measure up to everybody else. I have to remember what I know that I am.
I'm tossing all of my alcohol. The Jager, the Miller, the Cider, all of it. All gone. All of it.
I don't want to see it in my life right now. I used to think it was okay to keep it in my system, because the body can metabolize it. I liked to think that because I never threw up, that I was doing okay. But every time I started to feel emotions too strongly, my first instinct was to find a beer. I don't have a full blown addiction yet, but I want to stop while I'm ahead.
I will not be counting the days from when I last drank. That is something I would do when I was craving a drink, you know. I might try some less harmful ways to calm the nerves.
I am committed to this. I have to learn how to let my nerves linger. It's not that I can't drink at all, ever again, but I have to limit myself. Every time I drink I think I need more than one. It's become hard to feel satisfied.
I know that I have not been a good friend, lately. I just want to be who I used to be before I gave myself away.
I don't mean that I'll be de-transitioning, no, no. I mean that I will finally be at peace with being on my own again. My feelings have got to be more sobered. I was the kind of girl who could stand up to her family, and come out to the world. I was the kind of girl who could push herself to graduate college early, and create wonderful things atop all of it. I could still be who I really am.
This psycho stuff, this bouncing off the walls, that's not me. Yeah I've always been eccentric, but this is too much. This is more than that. We're moving past what she made me. It's my responsibility to be better. I GOTTA GET MY HEAD IN THE GAME
I am manifesting what I want for myself. I will be performing my works, and I will be prolific. I will be active enough to have a livable income from it, I just know it. I'll make enough to really thrive, not just survive. I will able to live my work. I'll be able to use my platform to organize for the right things. I will be able to inspire people. I will one day be beautiful, I know it.
I will be able to get things done. I will make my friends proud. I will do good by my friends whom I have hurt. I will be somebody that they can be proud to know.
There will be a free Palestine, a free Congo, a free Sudan, a free world. We will create a version of the world never before seen. A world where everyone can have a fair chance. A world where we can all understand each other, where we all see each other. We will win.
All of these things, they are not just dreams. They are the future. They are set in stone.
I will be a great artist. I don't need to be famous, but I want to create something that moves people. Something that will stir change in their hearts.
We'll do it one step at a time. One day at a time. We'll do it relentlessly. We won't stop.
Let me tell you of my thoughts.
I don't find myself being all that taken or possessed with the memories of Titania anymore. In fact, I think the epithet no longer suits her. It was created to draw a connection to A Midsummer Night's Dream. She is no longer with Oberon and THANK GOD she isn't. Even if she is rightfully uneasy about our being friends, I think she'll agree it's a blessing to be rid of that guy.
We'll be re-assigning them some new epithets. We already made one for Oberon, but this one will stick.
- Titania - Jean Michel
- Oberon - Griffith
Yeah the beef with him is that serious. She doesn't have to trust me in any other matters than knowing I have a personal beef with him and thus I can vouch for her perspective if he ever wants to pipe up.
Getting back to the topic at hand... I think that, setting aside the shock and understandable disenchantment on her part involved in me confessing and subsequently freaking the fuck out on my Instagram story (I can be such a bitch), it was necessary for me to take the weight of that deception off my shoulders. I do not enjoy reservations, and secrets, and guilt. I never should have allowed myself to think that this affliction was anything more than a para-social attachment, but to allow the truth it's day feels better than waking up in the morning with a guilty conscience. They are a good friend, but I let myself inflate my connection to them in my head. I think I had only become so woefully attached to those two (may his name be forgotten) because, at the time, they were the only friends I was able to see on my own in the midst of a very dark time in my life. It was with folks I'd known for years where she would get upset if I didn't allow her to be there with me. That is not an excuse to be as uncouth and creepy as I probably came across, but it does mean that I have not been as "sane" as I liked to think I was. Just getting a glimpse of my assaulter put me back in that mindset I had so readily convinced myself I avoided.
It's why it was easy to avoid admitting it before on Tuesday. I liked to believe it was all over. I even lied in the vulnerability of a blog post between Tuesday and Friday. I didn't want to talk about it because I thought that bringing it up would be like beating a dead horse... and yet the focus on her was itself a regression. I thought I was finally starting to let that crush go, because I knew for damn sure it didn't make sense. You can even read back in previous posts, I haven't really liked to entertain the idea that it was anything other than a psychological affliction. Because that's not how you think about your friends... it was like an intrusive thought.
I've never really said or done anything in this entire situation before. This is has never happened to me, and I've never felt the need to involve myself in a debacle of this nature before.
I remember when I wrote to her, a great deal of the message was steeped in shame and regret. I think that she knew I was acting against my better judgement, and that to say all those things, I must be possessed by an unusual sort of fixation, an untethered anxiety.
She is a friend who has been very good to me. When I needed a friend to help support me while I was still "with" , she was there to help. I was able to be a friend when she needed an ear, but my recent unraveling betrayed the trust put in me initially in that interaction. I let my thoughts become influenced by a sort of suicidal desperation to have somebody to comfort me. That was wrong. And I'll be really pushing myself to make sure I can have more discernment in my emotions and my words in the future.
I wasn't like that when I initially spoke with this friend three days before. Because then, I was floating with the idea that I was finally over the hill, that I had healed from everything. I was "normal," or at least, close to it. One look from my betrayer was enough to pull me back into the lower depths.
I hadn't fully confronted my problems yet, yknow.
I feel that she was able to see through my "feelings" and see that I was not mentally stable. I think she knows me better than I might actually realize. She is a good friend, and unfortunately I have not been that. I know that she admires my work, but that's a very different thing from being a real friend or colleague. I think she knows more than me about this whole life thing.
I'm thinking... maybe in a year or so, we can start over as friends. As if I never knew her before. And the contexts of who I am today can be immaterial.
By then maybe, I've learned how to be a better friend, and that is all my mind will need me to be. This is my hope. To reintroduce myself as a better woman, yes.
Jean-Michel, I don't know how I can ever repay your patience, your kindness.
I will not beg forgiveness, no. Despite my insanity, I'm sure you know me well enough to know I'm not that sort. I'm still standing outside with my Aviators and my green jean jacket looking cool, y'know. Despite my bullshit.
I only want to thank you for being smarter than me. For having the discernment and wisdom to choose your own peace, and to not respond to my mania. I was not in my right mind to say those things, true or not. I think a bat stuck in an storage closet could manage to see that at least.
Man, oh man. Yeah, it's normal to make mistakes in your 20s, I just thought I was wiser than that. But I'm also still me, y'know. I'm a tough chick, I get through it all.
Let me update the class on how I'm actually doin', yknow.
I am still not mentally stable, but I have been staying at home with my family, doing some deep breathing, sipping some tea. I've been settling myself down to think more cogently, sobering my thoughts.
I am not going to pathologize what's up with me. That's the job of psychiatric examiners. I think that when people put too much in the hands of what label they have, it tends to be used as a crutch/excuse. I'm not interested in that.
I've been listening to my heart stir, and I'm learning to recognize the way it slips and falls over itself.
I'm choosing to remind myself of some things, in the event that I ever see my r*pist in public again.
1. I can stay in control of the situation.
2. I can communicate my boundaries clearly.
3. I will never see them in a private setting, others will be there to witness what she does. I have no contact with her, and she cannot reach me.
4. I have wonderful friends and family who believe in me, who can help if they ever try to get close or contact me.
5. Everything they did to me is in the past. I have the ability to prevent these things from happening again. They will never happen again.
And this is most important
6. I am enough on my own. I don't have to feel that I must latch onto someone else to feel worthy of love. I will never go back to her.
I've never even once considered it, but I'm putting it in writing.
I have a support system. I have a network. I will not take these things for granted.
I'm not gonna overexert myself. If I'm injured, I'll seek help. I must learn to do this.
Let me get ready for work today.
Alright... sometimes I don't convey the timetable between segments of these blog posts. I'm writing now a 7:08PM. I'm checking in the entire state of Michigan at this front counter today. I've resubmitted personal information for GFM again. I'm making the right moves today. Today I'm getting my head back in the game. I'm gonna put a picture of Zac Efron Troy Bolton and the other dudes for this one.
You'll notice the insane output of Hepburn related media lately. I'm going full steam ahead on this project, is the thing. I am really aiming for the sky with this one. Ill be having an interview next week, and I will be submitting my music to some URLS and dj-ing some locals😈😈. Yes, you heard that right.
Ha1f King is officially dead, bc HK would never do a show. Adri is exclusively outside. My personality doesn't befit my ambitions and desires. The contrast between how I dress versus how I act is becoming more noticeable. I'm sure Jean Michel could vouch for how I pulled up to my initial visit, lmao. I had on a tank top and two silver chains with hot pink sweatpants and an oversized raincoat... and then Robert Siegel opens his mouth.
I very much loudly crave to be a performer but not just any kind of rockstar or DJ. I have a personal vision for myself that is very different from what I'm seeing in media right now. I want craft a vibe that isn't like what I hear a lot of right now in the city. I'm becoming increasingly concerned that a lot of Gen Z musicians are becoming formalists...
Side note... Whyyyyy did they one of them hard-headed annoying kids from ABC over here... get her out of here. Now. I love children they're all beautiful precious silly angels except they're also actually all disgusting and terrible and I hate them.
Well. That's it for today's post. Be sure to GETCHA HEAD IN THE GAME
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