changing room bullshit

10/16/25 - Margareta Avenue

I've found peace in the knowledge that I really don't know what I'm doing. I have no direction anymore, and yet the potential to do so much shit. I just gotta figure what seems like life for me.

I had the weirdest lunch ever. Green Beans, Smoked Oysters, Ritz Crackers, and some other thing I forget. My breath probably smells like taint. I didn't want to spend money on lunch this week so I just brought whatever the fuck from home, y'know.

I had the best time with French Guy on Monday, it helped remind me what I knew about myself. After that, I was able to make my work friend into a real friend. She knows I'm trans and stuff, y'know, if that helps.

Oh Caroline, you...

I gotta know what budget to work with if I'm gonna save up. I know where I'm going after probation ends. I'm going to Chicago, and then New York, and then after that? Might do somewhere weird. Might go somewhere where I don't speak the language.

While writing, I'm put into a sappy mood. Again. It's Pet Sounds this time. I can tell you why Chicago, in the most simple terms. I wanna see about all that action, y'know? All the other kids are down there, it seems to be the current center of youth culture in America. It is also the exploding powder keg of our national struggle. So much violence, so much to lose and learn. I feel almost a responsibility to understand and subject myself to what I could never control. 

You still believe in me...

I remember she used the art that moved me as a weapon to make me stay. I can never hear the song the same. I guess it's what it should have always meant, y'know. Brian's wife left him cause of what he couldn't control. Maybe we have some things in common, that lady and I.

But to even mention that, that's souring the prospect, right? The prospect of something a little more fun, a little less critical. When I finally make the rounds, I won't be doing it to mope. No... I'm overjoyed just thinking about seeing some new faces, some old faces.

That's where New York enters my mind. It's been forever, hasn't it?

It feels like you since it's been here.

I guess I want to know what everybody loves. I want to remember that I'm in a world not my own, something pretty that I can let go of. Sometimes I think I'm just in the wrong place, the wrong scenery. Like... right now, where I work, I'm the only queer person. The only person with a degree. The only weirdo, sometimes. There are great people everywhere at my job, great personalities I come to recognize. It's just that I feel like an interloper. I need to just put my mind in a different place, sometimes.

Take a look at the lawman beating up the wrong guy...

Oh, man, wonder if he'll ever know?

He's in the best selling show...

Is There Life On Mars?

I wonder who could be reading this. Sometimes, I do wonder how my ruminations can affect my relationships with my peers.

Funny to imagine, I guess. That I ruined something nice by being too nude, it's a funny thing to imagine.

I had a really disgusting thought just now, would you like to hear it?

I thought about how lonely I feel. And then I thought... "Well, one person actually thought I wasn't ugly, and they raped me. Maybe it's not worth it to try anymore."

It works its way into my head every day, you know. That's what sucks the most about it. I never stop remembering the way it happened. How it happened. I don't remember what movie we were watching. I just remember where I was, how I was seated, how numb I felt when it happened. It just happened. It just feels whatever now, y'know?

I never told them that's what they did, cause I didn't want to see it that way. I still don't really want to believe that's what it was, but it couldn't be anything else. Forcing yourself onto someone who tries to resist sexual advances is rape, by definition. I just wish that wasn't what it was.

Many of those educated in the psychology and study of rape victims will recognize the familiarity of some of my ruminations. Trust me man. I know. That's the worst part. I read all those studies and did all this college bullshit and feminist stuff just to let myself get used like that. And I know it's not my fault, I know that. But you wanna know something?

Its the fact that I still look like a man. That I was born male. The lingering patriarchal lie that I should have been able to stop it doesn't go away just because I know better. I am a woman. I am transgender. These things are true. But I'm not gonna lie to you. I know what the real world sees when they see me. I know what I should have lived up to, and couldn't.

I didn't "let" anything happen to me, but it feels like I did. I loved them so much, I felt like that's not what they could have ever wanted. I thought it was a misunderstanding.

It happened because I was good.

Conservatives always make jokes about how trans people are all rape victims or whatever. I dunno, chicken egg for me, maybe. That was a gross thing to say, sorry about that.

It's not me, it's just my mind that is confusing things

I gotta apologize to my more casual insta people. I post links to my story as if it's gonna be fun and exciting to read, and it's stuff like this. I almost feel bad about it. Whatever.

It's one of those "whatever" days. I'll tell you, I'm listening to that turn of the millennium hard rock from NYC and stuff. Strokes and Interpol and Yeah Yeah Yeahs. It's helping calm down the ruminations. I have to tell you that not every day I'm Ms cool niche asshole guru. Sometimes I listen to actual music, I promise.

Actually I lied. I had another horrible thought.

"Does this guy think he's hot enough to get raped?"

Thats actually way worse than the first one, holy fuck! Wow! I love myself!❤️

Let me tell you why I'm writing down my intrusive thoughts today.

I'm currently waiting till I'm through with my probation period at work to see if I should quit or keep going. I need to know if I can get full insurance coverage to be able to get the psych evaluation I need (and let's be serious. I need that shit.) I think I should document some of this shit for them to look over. Unless I get a visit to the guru (psych ward) because I can't afford that. But I want dated proof that can be corroborated by a peer.

I must be! Made of steel!

For I just threw out the love of my dreams!

He's in my eyes! He is in my ears! He's in my blood! He's in my tears!

I must be! Made of steel!

For I just threw out the love of my dreams!

And right after that it flipped to MCR. The only band my sister used to spin that I actually liked (sorry twin I still think Nick Fuentes sounds like a barnyard goat bleating).

Gerard Way is actually the most talented man of all time...

But then Seven Nation Army flipped ON next (guys I know its overplayed but I own the Stripes debut on vinyl I've heard every album SHUT UP THEY LITERALLY REQUIRE ARTSY GAY WAYNE STUDENTS TO SELL BLOOD TO THIRD MAN RECORDS OR ELSE WE CAN'T GRADUATE)

Meg White, do you like Yum Village? Yes after 6 it's mid but that's why we have to do brunch. Can I eat Jollof Rice with you and talk about the Joe Louis Arena parking structure?

I could be doing so much more, man. So much more. This album is something I'm gonna hold onto for a long time. And by a long time I mean like 9 months or something (it's a girl!).

Hayley Williams save me. Save me Hayley Williams.

I'm gonna dress weird and have fun on Saturday. I'm gonna buy some running shorts so I can make my family uncomfortable.

On Friday I'm hoping to make a transfer to Manal, and I'll help some families. There it is, the glimmer in the mines. Let's take a picture!

I'll see you guys soon. Probably just on the internet again, but maybe that's okay. Multitudinous worlds within our hearts, let a pluralism of fate take us. I love you!

HP Gallery Dump (Racy Stuff)

I changed my mind on playing around with racy material on Picsart. Here are uncropped edits

Archival Post - 10/14/25 - Suet Over Hearth, Normandy Will Find You

The chest feels unsure, lightened with the flutter of wings. Everything came into place for just a moment... it was a simplicity so intoxicating. It's enough to drive me mad.

The feeling of grey takes shape in my heart for another time, in the same place. The sky outside is blue, and the weather is nice... it feels inappropriate to be so temperamental. It's started to affect my personality; I can't maintain my best self as much as I'd wish to anymore. I remember last night, I had a blast. I met with French Guy! French Guy is awesome! So then, it's confusing that I'm thinking like this.

Even the way I'm writing conveys more emotion than is authentic to my current condition. I haven't felt like this in a very long time. Not since High School.

I could do a desk job. I'm ready for it. I might get a gig at a call center soon. Skip this gig, y'know. I do good stuff in this job, but my supervisor hates me. It's whatever. I'll get a job where my mind doesn't move. I won't move.

I'm finally getting what I wanted. I feel like I'm moving back into the ACE spectrum. All Beta waves, no stimulus. It took having it all to realize I really don't think I should have sex. It's different from wanting, it's about what is right, what makes sense.

I gotta see about chemical castration. If I could get that done one day, it would be worth it. Like, I'd get my balls cut off, but I wouldn't be getting a vaginoplasty, it's not a trans thing. At least, not really.

Ohhhhh, Excedrin on an empty stomach, I missed youuuuuuu. I always forget why I don't take painkillers, and then I remember. This is so good, man. Addiction is so fucking stupid. It'll just be the two for today, no more. Whenever I take too many it's like, wow, this is what being neurotypical feels like. This rules.

10/12/25 - The Modern Prometheus

The second part of the experiment was SO. FUN!

Before the experiment, I was able to unwind with my family at the apple orchard. Haven't visited in a BRICK, but Blakes is still fun! Everything went so well. Something nice with the family... something nice amidst the fog.

I felt about the same as when I got off from the movie club at work on Friday, WHICH WENT GREAT, by the way. They all liked Godzilla! Coming out of work, I thought I should revisit my spot to see if I still like it there. I also thought, if I go to Spotlite next, I can see what's better. And so, the experiment began.

You already read the terrible results of Big Pink night. That was tragic. I had to have a similar amount of alcohol in my system to make it work for Saturday, which I succeeded in achieving. Hard Cider instead of Gingermeister.

Going into night two of clubbing, I absolutely needed to see a difference in atmosphere and ambience. Big Pink has been my number one for a while, and Spotlite has been my strong second... but I wanted to determine a victor, once and for all. The results?

We have rejected the null hypothesis. Big Pink is no longer my club home... I'm so sorry, Chester. I saw him walk past me like 5 or 6 times and I did NOT say hi to him because I did not feel safe or welcome there like I should have. I failed that kind straight man. Seeing one of the BP owners feels like when the Principle visits the classroom and you gotta lock in. I don't think that's what they intend, y'know?

I've observed a change in BP. I remember when I first went with my sister, there were like... wayyyy more gay people there, right? It used to be a lot more gays. But now, it's more in tune with the lay... Way more shoving, and way less openly queer. I don't like it. It lost it's spice, in my opinion.

What I mean is, you don't see guys kissing anymore, or girls kissing. Let me just make that plain and simple. People aren't as openly social with other attendees they may not know. Minding my business at Spotlite, I get plenty little conversations and compliments, I introduced myself to like 5 people I didn't know. That never happens at BP anymore, and I hate it. Maybe it's just me, maybe I'm unsettling or ugly? I dunno how this is supposed to work, clearly. I don't know what it was at Spotlite I was doing right, but clearly it doesn't work at Big Pink.

There was a group of people that kept getting near me and I honestly couldn't tell if they liked me or if they were uncomfortable. It was weird! They seem like fine people, I just feel like maybe that night wasn't as good. 

For me, It's no longer the kind of place where I can do what I want without getting looks.

Spotlite is just... so much better, now. Its not even funny. The vibes are just so much better. That Arab fusion night? Fucking phenomenal. Everybody is gorgeous. Everybody is so nice! Everybody is also mostly out of college age, which honestly realllllllly helps. I feel more comfortable if there are actual adults in a function, I don't mind being younger than most of the people there if I know everybody has a job and isn't going to stare at me for looking like a faggot.

Honestly that's what bothers me with Big Pink. Gays come there, but they're all really business casual? Or like, my supervisor? I'm being a superficial and judgemental asshole, please disregard my findings. But like... idk? I have an easier time at Big Pink when I dress really masculine, and I notice that. People are nicer to me there when I look more boring.

All I'm gonna say is that nobody ever called me "gorgeous" at Big Pink, but just last night there were like, 4 instances of someone telling me I'm pretty.

I guess it is just a selfish, superficial kind of thing. I feel more affirmed and pretty at the fancier one, why not?

Also, we need to talk about the Music. We HAVE to talk about the Music. The shows, the artists, the sets? Spotlite wins by a country mile! I wish it wasn't true! Spotlite has a heavier focus on Techno, which honestly is sooooo important for me.

It's challenging to accept because BP has a really unique identity, you can feel the love! Big Pink Loves You! But in my head, it doesn't love me, and that's okay. Not everything is for me.

There is other news. Remas has not responded to me in a few days. Maybe she's focused on traveling back to Deir Al Balah. Getting her and Amal's life back together, atop the rubble. I guess I'll let it be as it is. I'm not entitled to attention, even having to say that at all is indicative of some areas I'll need to improve in.

I hope you guys are doing okay! I'll see you soon!