Before the experiment, I was able to unwind with my family at the apple orchard. Haven't visited in a BRICK, but Blakes is still fun! Everything went so well. Something nice with the family... something nice amidst the fog.
I felt about the same as when I got off from the movie club at work on Friday, WHICH WENT GREAT, by the way. They all liked Godzilla! Coming out of work, I thought I should revisit my spot to see if I still like it there. I also thought, if I go to Spotlite next, I can see what's better. And so, the experiment began.
You already read the terrible results of Big Pink night. That was tragic. I had to have a similar amount of alcohol in my system to make it work for Saturday, which I succeeded in achieving. Hard Cider instead of Gingermeister.
Going into night two of clubbing, I absolutely needed to see a difference in atmosphere and ambience. Big Pink has been my number one for a while, and Spotlite has been my strong second... but I wanted to determine a victor, once and for all. The results?
We have rejected the null hypothesis. Big Pink is no longer my club home... I'm so sorry, Chester. I saw him walk past me like 5 or 6 times and I did NOT say hi to him because I did not feel safe or welcome there like I should have. I failed that kind straight man. Seeing one of the BP owners feels like when the Principle visits the classroom and you gotta lock in. I don't think that's what they intend, y'know?
I've observed a change in BP. I remember when I first went with my sister, there were like... wayyyy more gay people there, right? It used to be a lot more gays. But now, it's more in tune with the lay... Way more shoving, and way less openly queer. I don't like it. It lost it's spice, in my opinion.
What I mean is, you don't see guys kissing anymore, or girls kissing. Let me just make that plain and simple. People aren't as openly social with other attendees they may not know. Minding my business at Spotlite, I get plenty little conversations and compliments, I introduced myself to like 5 people I didn't know. That never happens at BP anymore, and I hate it. Maybe it's just me, maybe I'm unsettling or ugly? I dunno how this is supposed to work, clearly. I don't know what it was at Spotlite I was doing right, but clearly it doesn't work at Big Pink.
There was a group of people that kept getting near me and I honestly couldn't tell if they liked me or if they were uncomfortable. It was weird! They seem like fine people, I just feel like maybe that night wasn't as good.
For me, It's no longer the kind of place where I can do what I want without getting looks.
Spotlite is just... so much better, now. Its not even funny. The vibes are just so much better. That Arab fusion night? Fucking phenomenal. Everybody is gorgeous. Everybody is so nice! Everybody is also mostly out of college age, which honestly realllllllly helps. I feel more comfortable if there are actual adults in a function, I don't mind being younger than most of the people there if I know everybody has a job and isn't going to stare at me for looking like a faggot.
Honestly that's what bothers me with Big Pink. Gays come there, but they're all really business casual? Or like, my supervisor? I'm being a superficial and judgemental asshole, please disregard my findings. But like... idk? I have an easier time at Big Pink when I dress really masculine, and I notice that. People are nicer to me there when I look more boring.
All I'm gonna say is that nobody ever called me "gorgeous" at Big Pink, but just last night there were like, 4 instances of someone telling me I'm pretty.
I guess it is just a selfish, superficial kind of thing. I feel more affirmed and pretty at the fancier one, why not?
Also, we need to talk about the Music. We HAVE to talk about the Music. The shows, the artists, the sets? Spotlite wins by a country mile! I wish it wasn't true! Spotlite has a heavier focus on Techno, which honestly is sooooo important for me.
It's challenging to accept because BP has a really unique identity, you can feel the love! Big Pink Loves You! But in my head, it doesn't love me, and that's okay. Not everything is for me.
There is other news. Remas has not responded to me in a few days. Maybe she's focused on traveling back to Deir Al Balah. Getting her and Amal's life back together, atop the rubble. I guess I'll let it be as it is. I'm not entitled to attention, even having to say that at all is indicative of some areas I'll need to improve in.
I hope you guys are doing okay! I'll see you soon!
