I had the weirdest lunch ever. Green Beans, Smoked Oysters, Ritz Crackers, and some other thing I forget. My breath probably smells like taint. I didn't want to spend money on lunch this week so I just brought whatever the fuck from home, y'know.
I had the best time with French Guy on Monday, it helped remind me what I knew about myself. After that, I was able to make my work friend into a real friend. She knows I'm trans and stuff, y'know, if that helps.
Oh Caroline, you...
I gotta know what budget to work with if I'm gonna save up. I know where I'm going after probation ends. I'm going to Chicago, and then New York, and then after that? Might do somewhere weird. Might go somewhere where I don't speak the language.
While writing, I'm put into a sappy mood. Again. It's Pet Sounds this time. I can tell you why Chicago, in the most simple terms. I wanna see about all that action, y'know? All the other kids are down there, it seems to be the current center of youth culture in America. It is also the exploding powder keg of our national struggle. So much violence, so much to lose and learn. I feel almost a responsibility to understand and subject myself to what I could never control.
You still believe in me...
I remember she used the art that moved me as a weapon to make me stay. I can never hear the song the same. I guess it's what it should have always meant, y'know. Brian's wife left him cause of what he couldn't control. Maybe we have some things in common, that lady and I.
But to even mention that, that's souring the prospect, right? The prospect of something a little more fun, a little less critical. When I finally make the rounds, I won't be doing it to mope. No... I'm overjoyed just thinking about seeing some new faces, some old faces.
That's where New York enters my mind. It's been forever, hasn't it?
It feels like you since it's been here.
I guess I want to know what everybody loves. I want to remember that I'm in a world not my own, something pretty that I can let go of. Sometimes I think I'm just in the wrong place, the wrong scenery. Like... right now, where I work, I'm the only queer person. The only person with a degree. The only weirdo, sometimes. There are great people everywhere at my job, great personalities I come to recognize. It's just that I feel like an interloper. I need to just put my mind in a different place, sometimes.
Take a look at the lawman beating up the wrong guy...
Oh, man, wonder if he'll ever know?
He's in the best selling show...
Is There Life On Mars?
I wonder who could be reading this. Sometimes, I do wonder how my ruminations can affect my relationships with my peers.
Funny to imagine, I guess. That I ruined something nice by being too nude, it's a funny thing to imagine.
I had a really disgusting thought just now, would you like to hear it?
I thought about how lonely I feel. And then I thought... "Well, one person actually thought I wasn't ugly, and they raped me. Maybe it's not worth it to try anymore."
It works its way into my head every day, you know. That's what sucks the most about it. I never stop remembering the way it happened. How it happened. I don't remember what movie we were watching. I just remember where I was, how I was seated, how numb I felt when it happened. It just happened. It just feels whatever now, y'know?
I never told them that's what they did, cause I didn't want to see it that way. I still don't really want to believe that's what it was, but it couldn't be anything else. Forcing yourself onto someone who tries to resist sexual advances is rape, by definition. I just wish that wasn't what it was.
Many of those educated in the psychology and study of rape victims will recognize the familiarity of some of my ruminations. Trust me man. I know. That's the worst part. I read all those studies and did all this college bullshit and feminist stuff just to let myself get used like that. And I know it's not my fault, I know that. But you wanna know something?
Its the fact that I still look like a man. That I was born male. The lingering patriarchal lie that I should have been able to stop it doesn't go away just because I know better. I am a woman. I am transgender. These things are true. But I'm not gonna lie to you. I know what the real world sees when they see me. I know what I should have lived up to, and couldn't.
I didn't "let" anything happen to me, but it feels like I did. I loved them so much, I felt like that's not what they could have ever wanted. I thought it was a misunderstanding.
It happened because I was good.
Conservatives always make jokes about how trans people are all rape victims or whatever. I dunno, chicken egg for me, maybe. That was a gross thing to say, sorry about that.
It's not me, it's just my mind that is confusing things
I gotta apologize to my more casual insta people. I post links to my story as if it's gonna be fun and exciting to read, and it's stuff like this. I almost feel bad about it. Whatever.
It's one of those "whatever" days. I'll tell you, I'm listening to that turn of the millennium hard rock from NYC and stuff. Strokes and Interpol and Yeah Yeah Yeahs. It's helping calm down the ruminations. I have to tell you that not every day I'm Ms cool niche asshole guru. Sometimes I listen to actual music, I promise.
Actually I lied. I had another horrible thought.
"Does this guy think he's hot enough to get raped?"
Thats actually way worse than the first one, holy fuck! Wow! I love myself!❤️
Let me tell you why I'm writing down my intrusive thoughts today.
I'm currently waiting till I'm through with my probation period at work to see if I should quit or keep going. I need to know if I can get full insurance coverage to be able to get the psych evaluation I need (and let's be serious. I need that shit.) I think I should document some of this shit for them to look over. Unless I get a visit to the guru (psych ward) because I can't afford that. But I want dated proof that can be corroborated by a peer.
I must be! Made of steel!
For I just threw out the love of my dreams!
He's in my eyes! He is in my ears! He's in my blood! He's in my tears!
I must be! Made of steel!
For I just threw out the love of my dreams!
And right after that it flipped to MCR. The only band my sister used to spin that I actually liked (sorry twin I still think Nick Fuentes sounds like a barnyard goat bleating).
Gerard Way is actually the most talented man of all time...
But then Seven Nation Army flipped ON next (guys I know its overplayed but I own the Stripes debut on vinyl I've heard every album SHUT UP THEY LITERALLY REQUIRE ARTSY GAY WAYNE STUDENTS TO SELL BLOOD TO THIRD MAN RECORDS OR ELSE WE CAN'T GRADUATE)
Meg White, do you like Yum Village? Yes after 6 it's mid but that's why we have to do brunch. Can I eat Jollof Rice with you and talk about the Joe Louis Arena parking structure?
I could be doing so much more, man. So much more. This album is something I'm gonna hold onto for a long time. And by a long time I mean like 9 months or something (it's a girl!).
Hayley Williams save me. Save me Hayley Williams.
I'm gonna dress weird and have fun on Saturday. I'm gonna buy some running shorts so I can make my family uncomfortable.
On Friday I'm hoping to make a transfer to Manal, and I'll help some families. There it is, the glimmer in the mines. Let's take a picture!
I'll see you guys soon. Probably just on the internet again, but maybe that's okay. Multitudinous worlds within our hearts, let a pluralism of fate take us. I love you!
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