HK Blog

I love my family with my entire heart and soul. That will never, ever change. But I also love myself. Every now and again, I am reminded that my family is full of religious fundamentalists.  Sometimes they're good at concealing, I'd say it's most of the time, but the way some of my most beloved visibly wince at the sight of seeing me wear makeup and nail polish never gets old. It hurts every time.  The only difference from now and then is that is that now, I don't retract myself to stop doing whatever it is that set my family aside. I'm not apologizing, and I didn't do anything wrong.  It's such a weird thing, something I've learned just has to be fundamental to my experience. It's never going to be easy, and I will always be in hostile territory... unless I lie, you know. There is that. There are levels to boymoding, not all of them are fully fabrications. But in my heart, I know that this problem does not dictate the totality of who they are, beaut...

Every single person I come across in life is a window into another world. That which I do not know entices me, and it is that sort of curiosity that becomes caustic to my inner peace. But that never stops me... the company of strangers never ceases to be entertaining. The journey of learning what I can never understand doesn't make me sad anymore, you know. I'm learning to enjoy the impermanence of it all. If anything, it's creating a new sort of vice to deal with, a new sort of avoidance that I will now be diligent in preventing. What I'm saving up for has changed from what it used to be, you know? I am still saving up for the lease, don't get me wrong, but now... I don't want to do a big trip. I'm looking into backpacking; I think that I might stick it out even longer to accumulate some vacation hours. Or maybe not even that. Maybe I'll skip the working stiff thing for a minute. Bannnnd on the run, Bannnnd on the run... That's the song I'm list...

 " Toujours, tout doux, tout doucement Comme ça la vie c'est épatant..." That song from Blossom Dearie is in my ears again. Jazz has a way of snaking into my memories; it's like the primordial soup from which uncertainty crawls out of. I think of Blossom Dearie when I think of being in over my head, making peace with a level of confusion too twisted up to even stress over.  The thing is, it has nothing to do with the actual song lyrics. Tout doucement is about, well, "loving." It means "very slowly," and so I guess one could say it is kind of like that song Despacito... That's my joke for this one. Not my best material, I'll admit. I used to have Blue in Green warbling in my brain every day when I lived on campus. There was a useful kind of malaise that song. Miles' trumpet has a certain mood to it that makes it easy to backslide into some really somber stuff, y'know. Jazz, in my mind, has to remain the fundamental base particle o...

"Sometimes, it's best to remember wisdom. Sometimes, I must remember that I all I can ever know is that I don't know anything. I have no idea who anybody ever is." This is the only section of my original entry for today that I still believe is true. I believe it is the only passage that authentically conveys what is in my heart. It's now been a good 13 hours since I left Big Pink. That's right, I ended up going, had a blast. People liked my dancing again, that's always nice to hear. TV Lounge was nice too, the music was better, but its a great place to sit down and let my mind slip away. It was in doing that I realized that very same sadness you see in quotes. Sometimes I read my past entries, and I notice what I've lost about myself. I used to be a more poetic person, a more verbose person, before this job stripped all of that out of me. I used to be someone worth knowing. I think that day, the day of my first call-off, was the day that ruined it all....