HK Blog

I nearly had a psychological break today. My parents helped me come back from the brink. I've been experiencing some paranoia and anxiety at work, you know. I was on a tangent regarding my fears to some trusted coworkers, and they pulled me back to the real world. I keep slipping lately. I keep falling out my skin. When I left my car I had trouble walking. I was starting to bias left into the grass, I think I was uncomfortable with walking on the pavement. I was having maladaptive anxieties about my supervisor firing me and using his authority to bar me from collecting unemployment. I thought my coworkers were going to assault me if I spoke any words to them. I've taken a minute to sit down. I'm still not mentally relaxed. I'm still feeling panicked and confused. But I can control what I do with it. I am learning to accept that maybe I am not a good person. Maybe I am not good. Maybe I deserve what I feel. I think all of that is wrong actually. It's still here. I lo...

The confusion has taken over. You have to be wanted to be welcomed. You have to be familiar to be family. I am a stranger. My coworkers don't like me anymore. It's just a job again. I don't know what I expected. It's only halfway through probation, and I'm already looking down the barrel. Yesterday a staff member said they saw a mouse in the broom closet. I kept thinking I should let it bite me so I could get some paid time off. The right people are talking to me again, and I'm still down the well. So it's a me problem. And there's a stalker of some sorts who's been coming in to work for weeks. Every day. He's making the ladies uncomfortable. I shouldn't be surprised, it's everywhere. It's in the water. One of the kids came into work and I almost felt like I didn't wanna die again. They're more interesting to talk to. Maybe that's the wrong thing to think. Some of my coworkers hate these kids. Maybe they're right and I...

I made a questionable decision yesterday. I don't think I regret it. I don't like coming into work anymore. It was bound to happen eventually. It’s the kind of headache that really shuts me up. It is self induced, the result of hunger and malnutrition. I decided I wasn’t going to get lunch today. I wasn’t going to spend money either. None of the families are responding anymore. Not at least even doing the necessary minimum of reading the check ins, Manal would at least do that. I think they’re gone. I don’t know if Ibrahim and his family are alive. His pregnant wife was shot, I never learned if she is still with us or not. I may never find out. Remas isn’t responding anymore. I’m gonna text her anyway. I don’t want to throw it all away, I couldn’t do that. I feel like I could say these words a thousand times and nobody would ever care. There are mothers, daughter, sons, fathers, friends, cousins, partners being ripped apart, raped, burned, sliced, bombed, shot, decapitated, and...

I've been listening to Bryan Away's stuff again. I miss him. I wish he would bless our ears again. Godspeed to him, wherever he is. -----‐----- There are so many beautiful things happening in my life. I can feel his light in my heart for the first time in months. I've almost finalized a music education program for our kids at work! I'm going to be a teacher, a music teacher! This is it! I feel love I have never felt. I'm finally making a difference again... I'm doing the right thing. I can make the world better, even if just a small part of it. I'm doing it. I can make you all so proud. I want to see you all smile again. I want to make somebody smile again. Every time I make my coworkers laugh, I feel like I'm really there again. It feels like I can still do good. I just want to make people happy. I don't want anything else. And isn't that so terrible? What a sick joke! Like, choke me please, the regime is really closing in these days. You can...