8/21/25 - Crosseyed and Painless

I nearly had a psychological break today. My parents helped me come back from the brink. I've been experiencing some paranoia and anxiety at work, you know. I was on a tangent regarding my fears to some trusted coworkers, and they pulled me back to the real world.

I keep slipping lately. I keep falling out my skin.

When I left my car I had trouble walking. I was starting to bias left into the grass, I think I was uncomfortable with walking on the pavement.

I was having maladaptive anxieties about my supervisor firing me and using his authority to bar me from collecting unemployment. I thought my coworkers were going to assault me if I spoke any words to them.

I've taken a minute to sit down. I'm still not mentally relaxed. I'm still feeling panicked and confused. But I can control what I do with it.

I am learning to accept that maybe I am not a good person. Maybe I am not good. Maybe I deserve what I feel.

I think all of that is wrong actually. It's still here.

I look at the walls in my house. The yellow and blue and the wood. It's too familiar.

I am currently cataloging my anxiety spike.

Unnatural fixations and attachments are typical for those experiencing many different kinds of psychosis. My vision is getting blurry. The left side of my body is tight again.

I think maybe I'm having one of those long strokes. I kind of wish it was a real one. Everything would make sense. There would finally be a reason real enough and cruel enough to necessitate being alone.

I hear their voices in my head! I hear my coworkers so much, this is really aggravating. They don't deserve this.

This music is haunting my mind. I don't want it! I don't want this in my ears anymore. I don't want these idea to come into fruition, nothing will be happy again if I make music. I can't make music. I cannot touch it.

No contact. No contact. No lights. No talking. No eyes. No eyes. No eyes. I want to see no eyes. I will see no eyes. No eyes. No eyes. No eyes. No eyes. No eyes. No eyes. No eyes. No eyes. No eyes.

I dont see anything eyes. I see eyes on that painting of Baxter. I love Baxter. I miss seeing his eyes. I'm going to cry for a second.

Social debts social debts social debts that's such an interesting term. I keep thinking about it. What do I owe everyone? How much can't I repay? Where did I make the debt? Where is it? I need to know. Why won't anybody tell me? Won't somebody tell me? I need to know! I need to know! 

"I'm not gonna fall asleep I promise."

I made a promise again, I messed it up. I did it again. I did it again. I made a promise. I can't do that.

I think its okay. I talked to my friend. I talked go one of my only friends that exists in the real world anymore. They pulled me out. I'm gonna try to stay in the real world again. Good night everyone. I hope your heart is filled with warmth and love. I hope that everything is good.