I find myself doing that a lot, y'know.
It was a lot of wincing about what ifs, measuring collateral from warm regards and kinship. I was thinking, am I bad for them? Am I spending too much time with them?
I'm over-thinking it again.
[Lydia] wants to try another date, I don't know what day to give her for it, since I'm not in a state of mind to look ahead too much. I do love her, but I'm maybe too screwed up right to live up to some of her expectations, is what I'm ideating.
I've got stuff booked that I'm beginning to worry about.
She's among the most pleasant to be around in my day-to-day, but I am worried about falling into something I'm not equipped to handle. I am terrified of dissappointing her, and I'm not sure why this is.
It's largely because of the (sorta) deterioration of my relationship with [Gatter] that I've started to overcomplicate my feelings about my friends.
By deterioration, I dont mean that things have been sour or bitter between Gatter and I. No, it's much worse than that.
I think things a bit too sensual, there's so much less conversation between us now. We barely talk about anything in person, when in each other's company. Every time we're alone with each other it gets too romantic, too fast. I feel like I'm losing her as a friend, and our relationship is becoming all about sex. I don't think it's her fault, but I can't say it's what I intended. It is most likely my fault, regardless. She wants me and I want her, but I also want her kinship and conversation.
I guess this is what I was afraid of. I don't have any issues conversating with [Judith], but I'm not as intimate with her. I think maybe it's better that we're not. I feel like I'm more on level ground with Judith in a way I'm unsure about with the others. She's maybe the easiest to talk to of all of them.
Hmm. I think I had a tendency to joke about my anxities regarding being intimate with anyone ever again, but I think that maybe we've moved too quickly in hindsight.
I do want another date with Lydia, but part of me wonders if I should hold off on doing more and more so recklessly with these people I love, who love me in turn.
At first I definitely wanted to get tested, right, for our peace of mind? As a basic circumstance of safety. But given my difficulties in finding a clinic, and their increased desire for me in the mounting hours I've spent with them, I feel they've almost become restless and demanding about wanting me to, uh... be with them again, in thay respect. I want to, but I just don't want to be pressured into that.
I think they would understand if I explained it to them just like that. It's not that I don't want them, I just don't like the feeling of pressure tied to it in this manner. It needs to be something we do together, not something I'm made to do to somebody else.
Sometimes, I think I was right to want to be celibate. But I don't want to dissappoint my loves, my dear friends. Bit of a French persuasion I've found myself indulging in with these lesbians all around me. I keep finding myself courted on these apps and I just don't know how to go about it without feeling a bit of pressure on all sides.
I guess maybe I'm a selfish person, because I don't want to close myself off to some of the other people I've grown close to, as a result of a potential commitment. That's a terrible thing to admit.
I think I was right about myself, I'm maybe not ready to be linked to a polyamorous relationship. I do worry a lot about this.
I myself never professed to be dating any of them, but Judith introduced me as Gatter's girlfriend, and it gave me a bit of pause. It's when I knew I had been doing too much, and that I needed to wind it down a bit. Judith wasn't wrong to assume this, is my problem. I've been an idiot.
I'm not in any position to judge [Violet]. Not that I ever was, demonstrated by my continuity of longing I've shamelessly catalogued on here.
Violet is who I had been ruminating about on here for some time.
She seemed sad to miss my performance, my set on the 6th. I had picked songs out for her, y'know, but I knew she had a prior engagement that might have complicated her ability to attend.
Earlier in the week I took an earlier shift for my birthday, and after the group meeting, I was invited to go out for drinks at the bar. It was so much fun, to fellowship with these newer friends. I've grown to like them all so very much as a motivating presence in my life, to pursue a better future for my community as I toil through the everyday struggles.
I remember during the meeting I made a mistake of sitting far away from her, and I could see on her face that she was a big tired or frustrated with something. I started to worry, do I seem dispassionate? Am I not being a friend?
After the meeting I managed to talk to her and see her smile just a bit, and it was at the bar that I could hang out with her and the others a bit.
Her eyes are just... you wouldn't understand unless you saw her. I wss talking about music with [Jason] and [Nameth], and I loved seeing her eyes move as I emoted with my hands. She is the most delightful presence, I remember asking her a lot to compel more from her lips so I could learn as much as I could about her. She can be a but shy, so I'm going to be careful not to pry too much. She is spoken for, after all.
Lydia is gonna hate reading this one, this is why I stopped writing real blog posts and just stuck to vague yearnings.
The meat and potatoes of this is gossip and rumination about my life, and it will surely ruin me.
Puh-lease... Lydia does care for me, right? I keep worrying about everything.
Today, Remas reminded me to be less neurotic. I was worrying that she maybe didn't care for the songs I was sending her, and she reassured me to maybe stop worrying so much. I was also worried about Manal, since she hasn't wrote back in a bit, but she regularly visits Remas. Remas tells me she and her kids are fine, and that there is no ire between us, but I could just stew in anxiety until I knew for sure she was okay.
Just because I've assessed a vulnerability, does not mean I'm not an issue. I need to sort myself out a bit. I can't run away from the entropy of it, I've got to look into the pit with open eyes.
One time, I trusted a stranger
'Cause I heard his sweet song
And it was gently enticin' me
Tho' there was somethin' wrong
But, when I turned, he was gone
I was reading about Judee Sill, while listening to her debut. A lot of her situation seems very familiar to some peers and family I've known. How could you ever manage to be "kind" in a situation like that? She's not any different from those guys who take shots of Tito's between runs. It's all so stark, the bitterness of it.
I try to avoid the call of that easy aggravation. It doesn't matter if I'm justified in feeling upset about it all, I have to remember the water. I have to remember personhood.
It's why it doesn't sit right with me, what's going on. Nobody else is gonna try. But why me? It doesn't have to be me, but it has to be someone.
Anyone.
Not very adult-like, these worries. I'm keeping up with all the payments, I'm good with my finances alright. Look at me, equating that to responsibility, psssh.
See you soon, girls. Knicks in 6.
