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10/23/26 - 9 of Swords

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I made one of the most predictable mistakes of my entire life this week. For the doggedness of my fears,  and my deep mistrust of well meaning folks, I have been rewarded with the exact disillusionment I had hoped *not* to elicit. The last thing I want is for someone to feel bad for me. Readers, I have been nothing but vain and indignant in my accounts, correct? Why would I lie to you?  My friend informed me of these omens in her tarot reading earlier this month. More flagrantly, she told me, to my face, that if I don't get a handle on my neurotic and fearful  tendencies, that I would experience a great misfortune or defeat. And they were right! I wasn't smart enough to shut the hell up. Gave myself a congestion of worries in my mind by confusing the timing of my inquiries, yknow. I was trying to clarify on something they asked about, about writing letters, right? But I somehow managed to forget they were taking a break from their phone, so I got it in my head that they ...
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10/17/26 - Everybody's Talking At Me

In this entry, I'll be discussing some very sensitive, difficult topics. Be advised, friends. I tell you these things with dignity, and in confidence. Everything about what I retreat to can be defined by what I was made to hear. Soft voices and fuzzy textures were the blankets of my ears when I was that young, y'know. So it only makes sense that I find those feelings again, to make sense of the confusion. I've been feeling like a kid again. The fear, the uncertainty, it's returned. Let me be clear about it, none of my typical prose. Right now, as I type this, I'm watching my favorite movie. Midnight Cowboy , 1969, Schlesinger. A gay movie, like they don't make anymore. I guess that one's got the feeling of it, what I'm stewing about, y'know. When I grew up, I didn't believe I'd ever have an ear to let it out to. Today I have dozens, maybe hundreds. I'm not used to it, y'know. I'd like to believe that all these people, these friend...
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10/13/26 - Give In (The Educated Youth)

A feeling of suicidal ideation. It's taken over my day, right on schedule. It's something I know I can get through, thus I'm shooting emails to the right folks. Sort of an arrow through the fog, it'll land somewhere at least. To my eyes, the steed is a touch too sizeable to be missed. A unit like this will stretch into the corners if you try to look away, y'know. Give In That's all I can think about. "Me" ain't enough, is what I'm feeling. It wasn't that lady or what she said, no. It was my friends. My family. It was the look in their eyes. I see something they haven't a word for yet, on this side of the pond. Gatter might call it Hassliebe . Love-Hate sort of thing, y'know. That's still not what it is. Some kind of pity, some kind of contempt, but there's a sort of love that doesn't translate well to the received. It's when you can hear it in their voices, that the feeling comes back. It never really dies. It can...
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10/12/26 - Welfare Song

They got my number! All of those songs, I'm in the algorithm! It's on me. I gotta diversify again. What's different about the mix I've got? Alanis, Patti, Blossom, Warda, Jefferson, Sk1n, Loggins, BOC, Lydia, Kino, Cleaners, Carpenters, DAM, MC5, Judee, Chinese Football, Broadcast, Audrey, Nina, and Willie. I'm a poser, having fun! Tout doux, tout doux, tout doucement Toujours, tout doux, tout doucement Comme ça La vie, je la comprends N'allez jamais trop vite Vous avez tout le temps Attention à la dynamite Prenez garde aux volcans À ces jeunes énervés Qui ne savent pas aller The weekend has turned out unproductive yet refreshing. Everything happens! Nothing happens! Nothing is expected! I found myself enjoying life. I received a reading from a friend. I am teaching myself to believe in the promise of myself. I've all the confidence in the world to do it! I'm thinking less. Loosening up. To be less of anything at all allows for a social miracle. Every bl...
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10/5/26 - From 5 to 7

Old Man, look at my life, I'm a lot like you were How should I describe it? It was a weird feeling weekend. A small break from normalcy, but it was just all the same. Just a cut above being pedestrian, I guess. I'm not in the typical mode today. I can't figure out a way to orate as I usually would, I think I might be changing. For the better or for the worse, I'm not sure, but I'm wearing long sleeves today. Not a jacket either, or a button up. A real sweater. During work, I bit my toungue while eating a Torta, and now I have to keep this paper in my mouth to prevent myself from swallowing blood. I've been first and last Look at how the time goes past But I'm all alone at last Rolling home to you In my heart, I find myself just where I was a year before. Despite knowing all my strengths, despite knowing all my blessings, I find myself missing the call. I keep looking at myself. I have to stop. I must look outside. I will have to remember the embrace of the n...
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9/29/26 - Someday We'll Know

Let me calm down. It's not that serious... they will be home tonight. I can talk to them calmly, and we'll solve it tonight. It's not that serious. I'm writing so I can get this all out. I'm writing so I can get this all out. I've been practicing techniques to keep my blood pressure down, to lessen the hypertension. Harder to do that when I'm getting screwed over on my days off. The turn of the season never been good to me. I'm gonna talk about something else. Right now I'm listening to New Radicals. Maybe Grosse Pointe can produce good things after all. This project is telling me I'm gonna need to be less likeable, somewhat (?) it's a weird thing to say. We're gonna stretch our legs out a little on this one. I'm trying to just be whatever I've got going on. I do want to attempt a more affirmative sort of feeling, right? But I'm not sure enough of anything to tell people what for, right? We're just gonna see where the open...
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9/28/26 - Звезда по имени Солнце

 I lost my phone at Cedar Point on the Magnum XL 200. It flew out of my coat pocket, on the slope of the dive. 200 feet up in the air, the infernal machine met the consequences of mother nature. Part of me regrets the oversight of failing to secure the device, but I can't lie to my readers. I can't lie to my friends. These few days have been peaceful without the rectangle. I want to see what my friends have to say, what my family might need, but I wish I didn't need the phone to do it. I've been trying to use my phone less, and here is God (?) taking the damn thing away from me. I guess somebody has to be the disciplinarian. I'm worried I might have missed something from Remas, or Manal, or from Indigo. I'll get back to them soon. Rent is coming up quick, and I'm worried we might be up the creek. I already sent my roommate my half of the rent two Sundays ago, but it says the balance hasn't been paid. I'm not sure what's going on here, but I'l...
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