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6/23/26 - That's All I Ask

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Its another broken record entry. You can skip if it's not fun anymore. ------- How would you talk about it? This is painful, at this point. I almost want to filibuster my own deposition a bit, you know... like, what is so tertiary in my life? I need something that I could bluff with, right? I almost don't want to say anything about it. Because I'm so blessed, it seems disgusting to care so much. I should find a way to forget about it. I am grateful for the love I have fostered in my life. I am grateful for tenderness, and touch. But for whatever reason... I'm not able to walk above this sort of feeling, right? I have lost the ability to think about anything else. I'm getting distracted, again. I will be an adult and do nothing about any of it. That was a joke, for our true believers out there. Im eating less to flagellate myself for remembering that feeling, of looking into her eyes. Not good, not good at all. In my works, I emphasize contrasts in color. I always wa...
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6/17/26 - War and Peace

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I want to stop loving her. This can't good for my mental health anymore. It's just a matter of psychologically malajusted limerence. It will pass if I allow it to. Maybe I shouldn't have agreed to the conference. Maybe I shouldn't have allowed myself the pleasure of her company, the warmth of her conversation. Maybe it's just my imagination running away with me. I just want her to say no. I want her to tell me to go away, to give it up. It's too much. This uncertainty is too much. I want to remember her in my every waking moment. I want to never think about her again. This is unnatural and emotionally perverse. I want to stop asking her about her day. I want stop itching for that knowing. I want to be incurious about her feelings, her life, and her worries. I can't stand knowing it. I've allowed myself to be infatuated again. I have been blessed to have a gaggle of friends who love me quite enough. I'm not by any stretch starved of touch or affection...
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6/15/26 - Works and Days

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It's here again. It feels exactly the same. I know I have to leave this one. It will be easier to find another place this time. I know, I know, I know. It's just another day. It's just another day. I'm used to these. I know what to do with these. I know how to live with these. It doesn't get easy, but it's not becoming harder. It's feels exactly the same. I know I have to feel this one. It will be better when I let myself feel it all the same. I know, I know, I know. I can't watch anything. I can't read. I can't relax. I can't create. I can't make any of it happen myself. I need my friends more than ever when it gets like this. I know, I know, I know. I know, I know, I know. It's not easier, it's just familiar. It's adjustable. I know, I know, I know. I was wrong. It is easier. It is easier when I read. There is work and non-work, Gods and Titans. In my works and days, I see a history so much clearer. I'm still so small, ...
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6/12/26 - Jesus Was A Cross Maker

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I had a walk around the track at work with my songs in my ears, to soothe the nerves a little. I found myself caught up in negative ruminations about all of my blessings. I find myself doing that a lot, y'know. It was a lot of wincing about what ifs, measuring collateral from warm regards and kinship. I was thinking, am I bad for them? Am I spending too much time with them? I'm over-thinking it again. [Lydia] wants to try another date, I don't know what day to give her for it, since I'm not in a state of mind to look ahead too much. I do love her, but I'm maybe too screwed up right to live up to some of her expectations, is what I'm ideating. I've got stuff booked that I'm beginning to worry about.  She's among the most pleasant to be around in my day-to-day, but I am worried about falling into something I'm not equipped to handle. I am terrified of dissappointing her, and I'm not sure why this is. It's largely because of the (sorta) dete...
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6/10/26 - Blue

All I can do is wait it out. It won't go away with any sort of sentimental salves. There's not a good medicine for it, none that wouldn't thwart me in my pursuits toward stability. Well, there's so many sinking now You gotta keep thinking You can make it through these waves Acid, booze, and ass Needles, guns, and grass Lots of laughs... I haven't heard from Manal in some days. Every time I happens it feels like the first time. I can't ever get used to it. I do love my friends. I love them dearly. I just don't think I can love them the right way. It's not anything I can put into words, beyond stating that I like where we are. But I know they don't. I don't want to hurt them. I want to spend every day with them. But I can't give up, not on this. I've come so far... what am I so worried about? So many dreams realized, so many aspirations achieved. And I'm looking down the slope of the hill, and pit forms in my stomach. Everybody's sa...
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5/19/26 - Baby, It's You

It would be easier to tell you the number of seconds and hours I didn't have her image in my head. She's everywhere, she's electricity, huh? Static, she sits on every surface I touch. She's hair, she's glucose, she's nitrogen. I'm being blinded by a fanciful catastrophe of romantic intrigue. It's sickening, isn't it? How do you loosen the grip? My knuckles are white and red. How tight I'm hanging on, you'd think I slept amongst lions. A Between The Lions reference in 2026? Yes! Take it home with you, make friends with it. Her eyes have a way of immobilizing me. I think she almost means to peer into the orrery of my mind, if only to better entice herself towards whatever idea she has of me in her heart. I've tried everything to underwhelm and dissapoint her, to tarry her vigilance, and nothing works. Hard to ignore her providence when she stands above me, y'know?  I love her, still. This is the worst. She's such an angel, what a si...
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5/13/26 - Constellation of a Flower

It's such a phyrric kind of victory to have certainty towards danger. I know exactly what I'm afraid of, with her. And I want to know everything about her, that's my issue. I find myself hoping I don't hit the wrong notes, but oh, "pink triangle on her sleeve," let me know the truth, let me know the truth. I've been a bit licentious, and greedy. I've been at peace with the uncertainties of my life because I've found tender and sensual friendships unknowable to the reasonable sensibility of my upbringing. I make my own morals with who I bite, it seems like. And yet I can't stop myself from thinking about her. I just... So frustrating, isn't it? I'm too busy to allow myself to feel what I'm feeling about this divination in the form of a lady. She's a omen of what is inside, a card called the future. Scary stuff, huh? I've been putting off my writings and podcastings. I don't feel like waxing about it yet, y'know? I had...
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