HK Blog

I know so many people who think they can do it alone I'm a thousand feet away from it. I can see the house on the corner. The leaves have fallen, but I'm so far away. She's not saying anything. She hasn't said anything I can parse, just  yet. I think she's talking to me. I just can't hear her. Our Lady isn't here to speak with us just yet. Her words aren't coming to me yet. It's the liquids and the greens, the water and the wind. I'm inbalanced in all the wrong things. My habits call me to again, it only makes sense. I had to invent that place. I remember it better than I remembered the real world. Sometimes I think it's good that I can't remember. Maybe I'm just wrong about everything. I cant help but feel curious about the lives I could have never lived. Languages I've never known. I see the same motions in everything. I see the same faces in every place. I hear the beat of that anger, that fury. Everyone is the same. It's d...

Its creeping up again. I made progress on a song today. I can feel myself becoming less capable. I'm becoming less intelligent. I've forgotten how to articulate these sorts of things. I hope I can remember myself by the end of the year. They say depression rots the brain. I've seen it in myself. I'm left with that wistful sort of sadness I used to feel every day. I've achieved so much, but theres still so much to do. I am choosing to believe in the promise of my dream. The warmth of that meadow is everything I have.

I've been dreaming of pearls and saltwater, waves and scales. Everything within me right now is asking to return to the water. I can't stop thinking about it. I need to get back to the water, even if its the last thing I do. What's in Rivertown? What's near the Marina? How can I get closer to it? I need to know. It's a feeling of being awash beneath the waves, a real ripe sort of smell I learned to appreciate when I was younger. Maybe its vain. Just escapism, a needed vacation, sure. I can't be without it, I'm finding. Maybe it'll be Wheatley, y'know. Maybe it'll be the coasts again. I know its coming, its where the confusion can cease. Maybe just for a second. I think surfing seems cool, maybe I've got it in me to learn. Who knows, yknow. Who knows? ----------- Allergies are killing me today. So bad I'm lightheaded, it's got me wistful. I've gotta write some letters, soon. I'll be wearing the hat of a writer once again, soon ...

I made one of the most predictable mistakes of my entire life this week. For the doggedness of my fears,  and my deep mistrust of well meaning folks, I have been rewarded with the exact disillusionment I had hoped *not* to elicit. The last thing I want is for someone to feel bad for me. Readers, I have been nothing but vain and indignant in my accounts, correct? Why would I lie to you?  My friend informed me of these omens in her tarot reading earlier this month. More flagrantly, she told me, to my face, that if I don't get a handle on my neurotic and fearful  tendencies, that I would experience a great misfortune or defeat. And they were right! I wasn't smart enough to shut the hell up. Gave myself a congestion of worries in my mind by confusing the timing of my inquiries, yknow. I was trying to clarify on something they asked about, about writing letters, right? But I somehow managed to forget they were taking a break from their phone, so I got it in my head that they ...

In this entry, I'll be discussing some very sensitive, difficult topics. Be advised, friends. I tell you these things with dignity, and in confidence. Everything about what I retreat to can be defined by what I was made to hear. Soft voices and fuzzy textures were the blankets of my ears when I was that young, y'know. So it only makes sense that I find those feelings again, to make sense of the confusion. I've been feeling like a kid again. The fear, the uncertainty, it's returned. Let me be clear about it, none of my typical prose. Right now, as I type this, I'm watching my favorite movie. Midnight Cowboy , 1969, Schlesinger. A gay movie, like they don't make anymore. I guess that one's got the feeling of it, what I'm stewing about, y'know. When I grew up, I didn't believe I'd ever have an ear to let it out to. Today I have dozens, maybe hundreds. I'm not used to it, y'know. I'd like to believe that all these people, these friend...

A feeling of suicidal ideation. It's taken over my day, right on schedule. It's something I know I can get through, thus I'm shooting emails to the right folks. Sort of an arrow through the fog, it'll land somewhere at least. To my eyes, the steed is a touch too sizeable to be missed. A unit like this will stretch into the corners if you try to look away, y'know. Give In That's all I can think about. "Me" ain't enough, is what I'm feeling. It wasn't that lady or what she said, no. It was my friends. My family. It was the look in their eyes. I see something they haven't a word for yet, on this side of the pond. Gatter might call it Hassliebe . Love-Hate sort of thing, y'know. That's still not what it is. Some kind of pity, some kind of contempt, but there's a sort of love that doesn't translate well to the received. It's when you can hear it in their voices, that the feeling comes back. It never really dies. It can...