6/23/26 - That's All I Ask

Its another broken record entry. You can skip if it's not fun anymore.

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How would you talk about it?

This is painful, at this point. I almost want to filibuster my own deposition a bit, you know... like, what is so tertiary in my life? I need something that I could bluff with, right?

I almost don't want to say anything about it. Because I'm so blessed, it seems disgusting to care so much. I should find a way to forget about it.

I am grateful for the love I have fostered in my life. I am grateful for tenderness, and touch.

But for whatever reason... I'm not able to walk above this sort of feeling, right?

I have lost the ability to think about anything else. I'm getting distracted, again.

I will be an adult and do nothing about any of it. That was a joke, for our true believers out there.

Im eating less to flagellate myself for remembering that feeling, of looking into her eyes. Not good, not good at all.

In my works, I emphasize contrasts in color. I always want to create work that feels colorful, full of life.

I'm starting to regret it. For her epithet,  I would christen her as a color. That was really fucking stupid.

Now I've come hate the contrast that I created. My family listened, you know... they bought me a watch, for my birthday.

And it was yellow. The perfect shade of yellow. Dandelion yellow. A sort of flower, Christ almighty. A perfect opposite. The key of my efforts, the definitive shade of it.

And she's everything radiant on the underside of the wheel. Im unsalvageable, now.

My tire needs replacing, so i went to handle that. It was a blessing, y'know, to have a setback like that pull me away from that kind of greed.

I remember Gatter telling me of her commitment to one day living with her beloved across the ocean. There's a kind of nail-biting impatience you can get when denied something that feels so close, so certain.

In many ways, I do believe I am who I hang around. In all of my friends and family... I see myself.

Cronkite has seemingly let down the harpoons for the moment, and I am envious of his ability to pursue that kind of "necessity" I've been too lacksidasical to follow through with.

I had a close run in with Satan Hitler, actually. At an event hosted by [Dolores], I was caught off guard when they walked through the door. I dont think they saw me. I made my exit before they could perceive it was me in that house.

I'll have no more surprises like that this week.

Other notes:

We need to be less licentious. Whenever I think about that, I should write instead. It's too much.

Ill see you guys soon.

6/17/26 - War and Peace

I want to stop loving her. This can't good for my mental health anymore.

It's just a matter of psychologically malajusted limerence. It will pass if I allow it to.

Maybe I shouldn't have agreed to the conference. Maybe I shouldn't have allowed myself the pleasure of her company, the warmth of her conversation.

Maybe it's just my imagination running away with me.

I just want her to say no. I want her to tell me to go away, to give it up. It's too much. This uncertainty is too much. I want to remember her in my every waking moment. I want to never think about her again. This is unnatural and emotionally perverse.

I want to stop asking her about her day. I want stop itching for that knowing. I want to be incurious about her feelings, her life, and her worries.

I can't stand knowing it. I've allowed myself to be infatuated again.

I have been blessed to have a gaggle of friends who love me quite enough. I'm not by any stretch starved of touch or affection, right... 

So why can't I let myself forget these feelings? Why do I need to feel her embrace? Why can't I let myself be superficial?

For her, I wish I knew nothing.

6/15/26 - Works and Days

It's here again.

It feels exactly the same.

I know I have to leave this one.

It will be easier to find another place this time.

I know, I know, I know.

It's just another day. It's just another day. I'm used to these. I know what to do with these. I know how to live with these.

It doesn't get easy, but it's not becoming harder. It's feels exactly the same.

I know I have to feel this one.

It will be better when I let myself feel it all the same.

I know, I know, I know.

I can't watch anything. I can't read. I can't relax. I can't create. I can't make any of it happen myself. I need my friends more than ever when it gets like this.

I know, I know, I know.

I know, I know, I know.

It's not easier, it's just familiar. It's adjustable.

I know, I know, I know.

I was wrong. It is easier. It is easier when I read.

There is work and non-work, Gods and Titans. In my works and days, I see a history so much clearer. I'm still so small, and yet I have been a giant.

I can remember how to sit atop it all. I can remember parables, and I can remember the lessons.

And I can see the birds in the sky.

It's not bad when I remember myself.

It is hard to stay awake, though. I might get fired if I sleep again.

I don't mind it. I see some color today. Blue and green again. The yellow is falling away, doesn't if feel cold?

I can see it clearly now: it's the water.

The answer has always been in the water.

6/12/26 - Jesus Was A Cross Maker

I had a walk around the track at work with my songs in my ears, to soothe the nerves a little. I found myself caught up in negative ruminations about all of my blessings.

I find myself doing that a lot, y'know.

It was a lot of wincing about what ifs, measuring collateral from warm regards and kinship. I was thinking, am I bad for them? Am I spending too much time with them?

I'm over-thinking it again.

[Lydia] wants to try another date, I don't know what day to give her for it, since I'm not in a state of mind to look ahead too much. I do love her, but I'm maybe too screwed up right to live up to some of her expectations, is what I'm ideating.

I've got stuff booked that I'm beginning to worry about. 

She's among the most pleasant to be around in my day-to-day, but I am worried about falling into something I'm not equipped to handle. I am terrified of dissappointing her, and I'm not sure why this is.

It's largely because of the (sorta) deterioration of my relationship with [Gatter] that I've started to overcomplicate my feelings about my friends.

By deterioration, I dont mean that things have been sour or bitter between Gatter and I. No, it's much worse than that.

I think things a bit too sensual, there's so much less conversation between us now. We barely talk about anything in person, when in each other's company. Every time we're alone with each other it gets too romantic, too fast. I feel like I'm losing her as a friend, and our relationship is becoming all about sex. I don't think it's her fault, but I can't say it's what I intended. It is most likely my fault, regardless. She wants me and I want her, but I also want her kinship and conversation.

I guess this is what I was afraid of. I don't have any issues conversating with [Judith], but I'm not as intimate with her. I think maybe it's better that we're not. I feel like I'm more on level ground with Judith in a way I'm unsure about with the others. She's maybe the easiest to talk to of all of them.

Hmm. I think I had a tendency to joke about my anxities regarding being intimate with anyone ever again, but I think that maybe we've moved too quickly in hindsight.

I do want another date with Lydia, but part of me wonders if I should hold off on doing more and more so recklessly with these people I love, who love me in turn.

At first I definitely wanted to get tested, right, for our peace of mind? As a basic circumstance of safety. But given my difficulties in finding a clinic, and their increased desire for me in the mounting hours I've spent with them, I feel they've almost become restless and demanding about wanting me to, uh... be with them again, in thay respect. I want to, but I just don't want to be pressured into that.

I think they would understand if I explained it to them just like that. It's not that I don't want them, I just don't like the feeling of pressure tied to it in this manner. It needs to be something we do together, not something I'm made to do to somebody else.

Sometimes, I think I was right to want to be celibate. But I don't want to dissappoint my loves, my dear friends. Bit of a French persuasion I've found myself indulging in with these lesbians all around me. I keep finding myself courted on these apps and I just don't know how to go about it without feeling a bit of pressure on all sides.

I guess maybe I'm a selfish person, because I don't want to close myself off to some of the other people I've grown close to, as a result of a potential commitment. That's a terrible thing to admit.

I think I was right about myself, I'm maybe not ready to be linked to a polyamorous relationship. I do worry a lot about this.

I myself never professed to be dating any of them, but Judith introduced me as Gatter's girlfriend, and it gave me a bit of pause. It's when I knew I had been doing too much, and that I needed to wind it down a bit. Judith wasn't wrong to assume this, is my problem. I've been an idiot.

I'm not in any position to judge [Violet]. Not that I ever was, demonstrated by my continuity of longing I've shamelessly catalogued on here.

Violet is who I had been ruminating about on here for some time.

She seemed sad to miss my performance, my set on the 6th. I had picked songs out for her, y'know, but I knew she had a prior engagement that might have complicated her ability to attend.

Earlier in the week I took an earlier shift for my birthday, and after the group meeting, I was invited to go out for drinks at the bar. It was so much fun, to fellowship with these newer friends. I've grown to like them all so very much as a motivating presence in my life, to pursue a better future for my community as I toil through the everyday struggles.

I remember during the meeting I made a mistake of sitting far away from her, and I could see on her face that she was a big tired or frustrated with something. I started to worry, do I seem dispassionate? Am I not being a friend?

After the meeting I managed to talk to her and see her smile just a bit, and it was at the bar that I could hang out with her and the others a bit.

Her eyes are just... you wouldn't understand unless you saw her. I wss talking about music with [Jason] and [Nameth], and I loved seeing her eyes move as I emoted with my hands. She is the most delightful presence, I remember asking her a lot to compel more from her lips so I could learn as much as I could about her. She can be a but shy, so I'm going to be careful not to pry too much. She is spoken for, after all.

Lydia is gonna hate reading this one, this is why I stopped writing real blog posts and just stuck to vague yearnings.

The meat and potatoes of this is gossip and rumination about my life, and it will surely ruin me.

Puh-lease... Lydia does care for me, right? I keep worrying about everything.

Today, Remas reminded me to be less neurotic. I was worrying that she maybe didn't care for the songs I was sending her, and she reassured me to maybe stop worrying so much. I was also worried about Manal, since she hasn't wrote back in a bit, but she regularly visits Remas. Remas tells me she and her kids are fine, and that there is no ire between us, but I could just stew in anxiety until I knew for sure she was okay.

Just because I've assessed a vulnerability, does not mean I'm not an issue. I need to sort myself out a bit. I can't run away from the entropy of it, I've got to look into the pit with open eyes.

One time, I trusted a stranger

'Cause I heard his sweet song

And it was gently enticin' me

Tho' there was somethin' wrong

But, when I turned, he was gone

I was reading about Judee Sill, while listening to her debut. A lot of her situation seems very familiar to some peers and family I've known. How could you ever manage to be "kind" in a situation like that? She's not any different from those guys who take shots of Tito's between runs. It's all so stark, the bitterness of it.

I try to avoid the call of that easy aggravation. It doesn't matter if I'm justified in feeling upset about it all, I have to remember the water. I have to remember personhood.

It's why it doesn't sit right with me, what's going on. Nobody else is gonna try. But why me? It doesn't have to be me, but it has to be someone.

Anyone.

Not very adult-like, these worries. I'm keeping up with all the payments, I'm good with my finances alright. Look at me, equating that to responsibility, psssh.

See you soon, girls. Knicks in 6.

6/10/26 - Blue

All I can do is wait it out. It won't go away with any sort of sentimental salves. There's not a good medicine for it, none that wouldn't thwart me in my pursuits toward stability.

Well, there's so many sinking now

You gotta keep thinking

You can make it through these waves

Acid, booze, and ass

Needles, guns, and grass

Lots of laughs...

I haven't heard from Manal in some days. Every time I happens it feels like the first time. I can't ever get used to it.

I do love my friends. I love them dearly. I just don't think I can love them the right way. It's not anything I can put into words, beyond stating that I like where we are. But I know they don't.

I don't want to hurt them. I want to spend every day with them. But I can't give up, not on this. I've come so far... what am I so worried about?

So many dreams realized, so many aspirations achieved. And I'm looking down the slope of the hill, and pit forms in my stomach.

Everybody's saying that

Hell's the hippest way to go

Well, I don't think so

But I'm gonna take a look around it, though

Blue, I love you

What can I do for her?

Should I forget her? Maybe I'm wrong?

But I just can't say that's true. She makes an effort for me, and I for her. Why do we keep it up?

She's never gonna leave him. She speaks to a need of hers. Theres a symbiosis I have not seen in action. Something I can never deny her.

Because I love her, I can't get in the way of what she really wants. She's holding fast to it, it's her.

It's always her, when I look to the end of the week.

In my life there is much disappointment, you know this. A rot that can never be clean. Externalities, but also my habits. My contentions. 

That's my blue.

I don't want to do anything but what she wants. I want her as she wants to be. I want so badly to hold her, to hear her voice again.

I feel that I am not fit for her serenity. I want to learn about the un-glamorous truths. I want to know her beyond the beauty. I want to know this human, fully.

But I have to make myself honest for her. I cannot give in to anything. But it's her, y'know...

Ill tell you if anything changes.

5/19/26 - Baby, It's You

It would be easier to tell you the number of seconds and hours I didn't have her image in my head.

She's everywhere, she's electricity, huh? Static, she sits on every surface I touch.

She's hair, she's glucose, she's nitrogen.

I'm being blinded by a fanciful catastrophe of romantic intrigue. It's sickening, isn't it?

How do you loosen the grip? My knuckles are white and red. How tight I'm hanging on, you'd think I slept amongst lions.

A Between The Lions reference in 2026? Yes! Take it home with you, make friends with it.

Her eyes have a way of immobilizing me. I think she almost means to peer into the orrery of my mind, if only to better entice herself towards whatever idea she has of me in her heart. I've tried everything to underwhelm and dissapoint her, to tarry her vigilance, and nothing works.

Hard to ignore her providence when she stands above me, y'know? 

I love her, still. This is the worst. She's such an angel, what a sick joke.

The more I learn, the more I fear for what I know my anima desires. God...

She is committed to another.

In the interest of discretion, to protect my love's investment in this man, I will not detail anything of note about the man, or his relationship with her.

5/13/26 - Constellation of a Flower

It's such a phyrric kind of victory to have certainty towards danger. I know exactly what I'm afraid of, with her. And I want to know everything about her, that's my issue.

I find myself hoping I don't hit the wrong notes, but oh, "pink triangle on her sleeve," let me know the truth, let me know the truth.

I've been a bit licentious, and greedy. I've been at peace with the uncertainties of my life because I've found tender and sensual friendships unknowable to the reasonable sensibility of my upbringing. I make my own morals with who I bite, it seems like.

And yet I can't stop myself from thinking about her. I just...

So frustrating, isn't it? I'm too busy to allow myself to feel what I'm feeling about this divination in the form of a lady. She's a omen of what is inside, a card called the future.

Scary stuff, huh?

I've been putting off my writings and podcastings. I don't feel like waxing about it yet, y'know?

I had to admit a frustrating thing to myself yesterday. I do love her, might as well acknowledge what I know to be true. And it seems unaffected by the loving encounters I've welcomed into my life. My friends, who I absolutely adore, enrich my life in manners irreplaceable by any other attatchment, but my waking daydreams of her aren't going away.

You'd think a rake like myself, a girl with so many "options" and standby lovers, would feel "above" the warmth, the attatchment, of this feeling... nah. The lay would get me all wrong with that, to my chagrin.

I do love her. I don't think I should think like that, y'know. She's already got a dude she's with, that's my trouble. I wish I knew how to quit this.

Close your eyes

Close your eyes

Close your eyes

Close your eyes

And I can rejoice in the knowledge that I resolved my attatchments to one angel... only to entrench myself into a concern. A concern for another.

It seems to me like she's trying her best to piece together a porcelain love fallen on rough ground.

I believe in her ability to find what is best for her... as long as she remembers herself. I want her to be kind to herself.

For a woman worth the world, that's all that I could wish for love.