You have to be wanted to be welcomed. You have to be familiar to be family. I am a stranger.
My coworkers don't like me anymore. It's just a job again. I don't know what I expected.
It's only halfway through probation, and I'm already looking down the barrel.
Yesterday a staff member said they saw a mouse in the broom closet. I kept thinking I should let it bite me so I could get some paid time off.
The right people are talking to me again, and I'm still down the well. So it's a me problem.
And there's a stalker of some sorts who's been coming in to work for weeks. Every day. He's making the ladies uncomfortable. I shouldn't be surprised, it's everywhere. It's in the water.
One of the kids came into work and I almost felt like I didn't wanna die again. They're more interesting to talk to. Maybe that's the wrong thing to think. Some of my coworkers hate these kids. Maybe they're right and I'm wrong. I felt really excited about the idea of helping kids in the community. It's the ultimate calling. The greatest thing I could ever do. And it seems like everyone I work with would rather die than be around the future. They never tell you how much of yourself you lose to money. I don't even think about it, it's so stupid. I only think about it as much as I really need to. It's all narcissism. This whole thing is narcissism.
The confusion is becoming the mantra. The confusion is becoming what makes the most sense.
I don't want to meet eyes with any of my coworkers anymore. It's just like the pharmacy, Jesus. The holiday party was so fun it made me want to jump off a cliff. Never let that happen. I remember when they sent me that card... they all liked me. And I left them. I kept thinking I deserved to not feel afraid and ashamed every day I come into work. I now know that I don't know anything. There is nothing I deserve.
I made up some bullshit to ask the pharmacist when I went to visit them. It was nice to see one of my favorite coworkers. I was not kind enough when I was working there. I wasn't mean, but I was afraid. I didn't talk enough. I'm not talking anymore at work. I don't want to talk to these people.
Supervisor just walked in, I might as well be dead. I don't think anyone has wanted me dead more than him. If he doesn't find a way to lay me off by the end of the year, I'll be shocked.
Unfamiliar faces today. Everybody is so friendly here. It makes me wanna cry.
I have finally heard from Remas and Manal. So much of my faith is restored, so much is rewarded.
I've not being grateful enough for this occasion. I must appreciate the rarity of this day, that God chose to be better.
I've had that song stuck in my head, by The Beach Boys.
Don't talk, put your head on my shoulder. Don't talk, close your eyes and be still.
I experienced that sort of tenderness recently. I don't regret a thing. I don't regret silence these days. It's the first lyrics in the song that scare me the most.
I can hear so much in your sighs. And I can see so much in your eyes...
I feel like I don't show it so well anymore. My face has been mangled well enough to have a permanence to it, a mask I can't really take off. I'm just like what I was telling my buddy years ago, I'm that person again. Angry is just what I am these days. Maybe there never was progress, maybe that was in my head. I think it's all just in my head. I don't think any of it was ever real.
Don't talk, put your head on my shoulder. Don't talk, close your eyes and be still.
I've survived everything that has ever happened to me, but I'm not better because of those things. These things have only chipped away at what could have been.
I don't know if the things I'm looking forward to are things that will ever happen. I feel like I'm lying to myself. Something nice actually happened, and it seems more like a dream than reality. I can barely believe they're not imagined. I think I might be schizoaffective, that can't be real. There's no way. I have to be dreaming.
My eye hurts. I'm gonna quit using mascara again.
I haven't started recording the album. I'm kind of afraid of this one. The concept is too interesting. It's a little too cool. I don't think I can pull it off. If people like this album, it might ruin my entire life. I don't think I should have sex again. If this project works out, I may never experience peace ever again.
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