Embrace, embrace, embrace. Embracing the knocking in the walls. Embracing everything that makes me bizarre. Embracing what drove them away.
I'm doing it scared, I'm doing it scared. Hell yeah, I'm doing it scared. It seems like that pocket got stitched up a little.
Im texting everyone. Everyone! We're staying online!
Actually, I have no idea.
So I wrote that like 10 hours ago. I'm now experiencing a new emotion. I haven't felt like this since I first started Journalism in High School. It's a sort of black comedy of the mind. I'm angry in a way that I can only describe as being so angry that it starts to feel kind of funny. It's accented by a sort of clarity that I'm usually not supposed to have about things and people. It’s uncomfortable to be around and I've been told that it is sometimes downright unsettling, but honestly there is no way to talk about this without sounding like an edge lord weirdo, so I'll just rip off the band-aid.
I remember feeling betrayed when my parents very matter of factly explained how several different teachers, doctors, and professionals all recommended that I get tested for autism, each at different times independent of each other, and they sort of decided I didn't need to be examined/assisted because there was nothing "wrong with me" and that I was "too smart" to be like that.
I was so beside myself that I didn't even know what to say. A lifetime worth of humiliation and self hatred just because they were too Christian and insecure about the idea of something being wrong with their child. It was a moment that really made everything click for a while.
It's easier to understand why most of my friends hate the idea of being around me when I remember that. Today was one of those days where I looked at myself in the mirror and I immediately started to see myself through a sane person's eyes. I'm really weird, I don't make sense. My face, my hair, my clothes, my voice, the way I talk and write, my personality... everything. It's not that I'm "bad" in a moral sense, it's worse than that. I'm incorrect on an aesthetic level. People aren't supposed to be the way that it am. These are just... feelings. I know that they aren't "correct," I know that this isn't definitive or true... but it still feels so terrible.
I really hate that they made an episode of Smiling Friends that was literally about this, and it had Connor O'fucking Malley voice acting the guy with autism. It was a little too real, that's why its so good.
I don't like feeling as if I'm wrong for being myself. Whatever. The reason I stuck with my ex for so long was because they unfortunately understood me really well and they were actually diagnosed autistic so they understood the kind of person I was. They knew me well enough that they knew how to manipulate me. It was scary for me near the end. I started to feel scared of them because I felt like they had all the tools necessary to be able to control and hurt me if I ever stood up for myself.
But that's what sucked so much. They were the only person who understood me. My ex was the only "friend" I could count on, it felt like. Who else wants to actually talk to me, who else really loves me? I have my parents, but my parents don't support my identity. They'll never really understand that part of me. My other friends love me, they care about me, but they're so far away. I never get to see them anymore, I only see them through a screen these days, in texts, not in pictures. My decision to go no contact with my ex was very difficult, but it was the right decision. I remembered love. My family, and some longtime friends... it was them that pulled me out.
It hasn't been easy adjusting to the world of the lay, though. Everybody is so... cold. Uninterested, and cynical. If I can be candid for a moment? I'll preface this by saying that "you" doesn't mean you, the reader. Chances are if you're reading this you're probably an irl friend that likes me enough to read my blog :)
But anyways...
I just don't believe "you" anymore. I don't think its bad that you're normal, its just that I see normal a lot and it starts to make sense why nothing ever happens with you. Why fucking bother? If I put my foot down and closed the door on you, you'd get all worried and upset. Whatever. You didn't care when I liked you, when I was doing well. I see the same stuff in most of you, and it's like... this is like wired earbuds for you, isn't it? I don't need to explain that, I know what that means.
The people who seem to have my back the most are (using aliases for safety)
1. My twin sister (literally my day one)
2. My friends from high school (Transgender Kropotkin, Battle Creek Jesus, Buc-ee's Foster Wallace, French Guy, Ms Worldwide)
3. The Incubus (currently stuck in purgatory in pizza world)
4. The friends I've made via activism (thank you for tolerating me) and lastly,
5. Friends from Gaza
There is one person that fixes my heart every time I hear from them, and it's Remas. They’re really the key, you know? The only thing that makes sense. We've been talking so long that it's not even about the campaign anymore, we're just friends.
I know Remas well enough that she says her daughter talks about me...😭😅😐😀 what
I have GOT to stop making so many friends. I was having a ki with my work friend and she got up our ass about the chairs we were sitting in. Weird. Anyways I would die for work friend but I think I told her I was trans and she like. Forgot? Whatevs.
Remas means so much, but I still worry. Her cousin, Manal, has not gotten back to me. I need to know she's okay.
Im at OWL again...
Tell me why I see Chester and Munch literally everywhere.
Ill see you guys soon!
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