Today's entry took a shape I wasn't expecting. Might be the heaviest one I've published on this blog so far, so fair warning:
This blog post might be stress inducing to read. If this entry reaches you at a bad or uncertain time, by all means, set aside my website for another day.
I hope everyone is doing well. I hope we can all be what we need to be today
Everything that needs to happen, needs to happen today.
So, anyways...
Not entirely sure about what I might be becoming, y'know. I don't know if I've ever known myself to be a slut, but I guess it's something I've learned about myself. It seems like my friends still sort of love me anyways, I want to be grateful for that.
I've come to understand some things about myself, y'know. If I like someone, I'm a little too eager to spend money on them, really spoil them... but I only make 32k. Not a responsible way to go about romance. I sent the Incubus $70, because some forms of generosity conceal shameful things. I just really miss him. I don't have any way to see him, at least not right now. I'm holding out hope, even though he's not always been the easiest to appeal to. I'm starting to understand the perspective of Tiffany, of Catherine. I'm holding out hope for the wrong reasons, in the wrong ways. I always do that. It turns my stomach...
Because there are so many good things coming my way. I might be able to see an old friend next week (French Guy), it's been centuries, ages... I really missed him! He's the smartest person I know, but there's so much I've learned about him. I think about his providence over his sister in need, it's so admirable. I haven't seen him since High School, so much is different... so much has changed. There's so much to talk about, so much to hear. This is something I'm really happy about, something I am really looking forward to. I want to be my best self, to be a safe place for a friend, for a loved one. I wish I was able to travel more, maybe then I could see everyone. But before I do that, I have to secure my soul.
I want to see everyone, y'know? I'm just so tired of being alone... so tired of only seeing everyone through a screen. There are friends I've met in person that I can't believe I ever knew. It feels like another life to have known them, entirely.
There's a friend of mine that did something so kind. She made postcards for Remas, and Manal! That's someone I wish I could formally introduce myself to, you know? It seems superficial to only formalize friendships through a screen. I guess my friends in the Strip are only people I know through the screen... but I wish I could meet them, too.
There's a legion of faces I've come to remember through activism, friends I've made through service towards a better world... but as far as I can recall? It's getting hard to remember who I know in real life, and who I only know in my phone. I see faces in the crowd every day that feel like yesterday, but I'm all too timid to assert what I think I might remember. I know not a single soul, and yet I know... everyone.
Every single person. The last two years have been a malaise of the soul. Nothing has made sense, everything feels like theatre, in the worst ways. What happened to all of us? I feel like it's deeper than just being in our 20's. The world, you know...
I just feel like maybe it's untoward to want to meet a mutual... in real life? What is weird, and what isn't? I feel like I'm committing a crime even by talking about this. Maybe I'm overthinking it...?
I have to level, I have to normalize. I'm a sine wave, right now I'm raw code. Sound, unrefined. I have to place myself into the systems of the Moog Synth of America. I need to settle down my feelings, stop thinking so much. I have so much to be grateful for in life, and I'm jeopardizing all of it because of selfish feelings.
I know this pestilence of the heart just won't quit about him. In my mind, the Incubus doesn't really like me that way anymore, and even if he does, it's gonna be a lot of work, and a lot of waiting, before he's stable enough to be able to ever have that conversation. I think maybe I should die with these feelings, they may never have to come to light. I'll be old and bitter having never fully felt what I feel right now.
I do think about what he's told me. How could I forget?
This girl, she was a friend of mine, once upon a time. That poor girl... she deactivated her social media accounts. I checked to see if maybe she just blocked his circle, which I am included in... nope. Scorched earth, she's gone from the Gramosphere. It really is a fucking tragedy, it's not funny at all. I hope she's okay. I have enough decorum in me to know I shouldn't try to ask how she's doing, because while we may have been friends, I am chiefly friends with him, and that's absolutely going to be an issue. I'm not stupid, and I am not a man, so I know well enough to let some things drift away. It's a shame, you know. I wish we could have still been friends, but she deserves space. They both do.
It's not fun to see friends fight, and it is especially difficult to know that there are sides to it. I always felt bad stuffing away how I felt about him. I felt it was a disservice to not just him, but especially her, you know. I should have never felt these things about someone she was committed to. I felt like maybe I should just let them both forget about me. I didn't know that I was pretending, for so long.
I remember seeing them together, in my visit. There is so much we didn't see about each other, no matter how many hours we talked, how many truths we may have told. I didn't tell them about everything going on with my relationship at the time. I still believed things could get better. I didn't tell them about being coerced and assaulted, about my financials, about my crying spells at work, about the threats and manipulation. I was just overjoyed to see them, to talk to them, that I forgot myself. And to think... there is so much about them that I still don't know. Dynamics and feelings and circumstances that pushed them apart, and I didn't see any of it. I had no clue. Maybe they were in a similar spot, you know?
I guess we really never know what is promised to us. Maybe nothing is promised to us. My upbringing instills in me a stubborn fear of God. It's hard for me to shake my mind from the feeling of it. It doesn't matter that I'm agnostic, that I don't identify myself as being very religious... too much of the foundation of what I am is rooted in Christ. He's the only part of the faith I hold onto. I don't revere the apostles, I don't revere the scriptures as much as I should. It's only the gospels, Christ's own words, that I keep in my heart.
And he was so young, too. The story of Jesus is the story of a young man cut down in his prime. It's the story of a man forsaken by the world, punished by the elite. A young man who sacrifices everything to do what he feels is right, to do what he feels God needs him to do. There's so much we can never know of the truth, of how to remember love. I wish I could remember how to be the person my peers want me to be. I wish I never felt the things I do, but I don't bode well with falsehoods.
I use this blog as a way to digest the feelings, and memories. Everything is just memories, you know. I'll end this entry with a memory.
I remember when I first met him. The Incubus... it's a very rude alias I've given him. It's too focused on how he makes me feel, not at all indicative of who he really is.
I met him while I was accompanying my sister to a hangout at MSU. They had a friend there who was dating him, at the time. I didn't think we'd have so much in common, I didn't think I would enjoy myself as much as I did. He was so funny, so smart, so handsome. At the time, I was still wrapped in so many illusions. I hadn't come out to myself, let alone to the world. But I felt like I had known him so long, even when we had just met. I remember we watched a movie together, Possessor.
The film follows the exploits of an assassin, a woman who possesses the bodies of bystanders to carry out high profile hits for the government. It is a science fiction thriller, a cruel and dour flick at that. Her dedication to her job puts her body at risk, and she frequently finds herself at death's door after her missions. SPOILERS, SKIP TO BOTTOM PARAGRAPH IF YOU WANT TO SEE THIS MOVIE
The climax of the film sees her willingly sacrifice her entire family for the sake of the job. It's brutal, it's grisly... it's cold. How much should she be willing to throw away to maintain her work? It feels too real. It feels too heartwrenching.
I remember everyone in the room was thoroughly impressed with the film, it was so far ahead of what I expected. What a ride! But back then, you know, that's just a movie. It shouldn't have become anything more to me, I feel like.
I'll tell you what I see now. Through my screen, I see text messages. I hear a voice on the phone. And in these limited mediums, I see the story of a young person who sacrifices everything for his mission. Everything, to serve the interest of creating a better world, an informed world. He sacrifices his body, he sacrifices his time, his sanity... he even sacrificed his love. And I'm left hoping... praying... that he can be different. I'm left hoping he doesn't die for what he does. I'm left hoping he doesn't lose his ability to love, all for the sake of the mission. I'm hoping I can see the person I knew again, one day. I'm hoping that I can tell him... that somebody cares that he is still here. That it is not just the work that matters... he matters.
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