Its another broken record entry. You can skip if it's not fun anymore.
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This is painful, at this point. I almost want to filibuster my own deposition a bit, you know... like, what is so tertiary in my life? I need something that I could bluff with, right?
I almost don't want to say anything about it. Because I'm so blessed, it seems disgusting to care so much. I should find a way to forget about it.
I am grateful for the love I have fostered in my life. I am grateful for tenderness, and touch.
But for whatever reason... I'm not able to walk above this sort of feeling, right?
I have lost the ability to think about anything else. I'm getting distracted, again.
I will be an adult and do nothing about any of it. That was a joke, for our true believers out there.
Im eating less to flagellate myself for remembering that feeling, of looking into her eyes. Not good, not good at all.
In my works, I emphasize contrasts in color. I always want to create work that feels colorful, full of life.
I'm starting to regret it. For her epithet, I would christen her as a color. That was really fucking stupid.
Now I've come hate the contrast that I created. My family listened, you know... they bought me a watch, for my birthday.
And it was yellow. The perfect shade of yellow. Dandelion yellow. A sort of flower, Christ almighty. A perfect opposite. The key of my efforts, the definitive shade of it.
And she's everything radiant on the underside of the wheel. Im unsalvageable, now.
My tire needs replacing, so i went to handle that. It was a blessing, y'know, to have a setback like that pull me away from that kind of greed.
I remember Gatter telling me of her commitment to one day living with her beloved across the ocean. There's a kind of nail-biting impatience you can get when denied something that feels so close, so certain.
In many ways, I do believe I am who I hang around. In all of my friends and family... I see myself.
Cronkite has seemingly let down the harpoons for the moment, and I am envious of his ability to pursue that kind of "necessity" I've been too lacksidasical to follow through with.
I had a close run in with Satan Hitler, actually. At an event hosted by [Dolores], I was caught off guard when they walked through the door. I dont think they saw me. I made my exit before they could perceive it was me in that house.
I'll have no more surprises like that this week.
Other notes:
We need to be less licentious. Whenever I think about that, I should write instead. It's too much.
Ill see you guys soon.
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