12/10/25 - Baby

I'm lucky to have pre-scheduled my appointment on Saturday. I predicted that I would have a refreshed wave of sadness yesterday, it is premonition that I never wanted have.

I worry that I will feel alienated and stressed out on Saturday. I don't wanna look bad in front of the TV Lounge people. They still haven't gotten back to me so... I'll just assume they didn't mean to send that shit. At all. Whatever. Whatever happens happens.

I find that I range from feeling like the ugliest person alive to feeling like a once in a lifetime beauty just about every other day. Maybe that's the most convincingly feminine thing I have written in this blog.

I'm trying to save up to buy a netrunner bodysuit. The shiny all black kind the VDB's wear, the one V gets by default.

I want to make it part of my stage presence. I'm also gonna buy a nice wig. As in, not some ratty, shitty looking one. And yes, it's gotta be Jet Black. The bodysuit is the only splurge for this paycheck, too.

I am not buying no motherfucking camera. That's not my trade, not my lane. I trust the experts. They'll figure that out. If I gotta be ugly to eat, I'll be ugly. I understand that not everybody gets to be pretty. I don't want to be famous, I just want to actualize the potential that I know I have within me. I basically feel like I have to make it work in music because I know deep down I have the capability to help people in ways only I could do. I have the ability to create the change I want to see in the world, and I will not allow myself to let this moment pass me by. I will be a meaner person if I have to, but I am sick and tired of being denied what I know I deserve. I deserve to have real support, affirmation, I deserve to be loved. I keep thinking about the mantra of that psycho fuckin movie X

"I WILL NOT ACCEPT A LIFE I DO NOT DESERVE!"

I think the term people use for this sorta thing is "hungry." I guess I am very hungry. Not just for survival, food and shelter, it's more than that. I don't want to be idolized, I don't want to be worshipped. I don't want to be seen as anything other than the person I know I am, and I know that I am incredible. I know that I am one of a kind, and I am worth people's patience and love. I am sick and tired of having peers who ignore me and belittle me. I'm not having that anymore.

And yet not a single friend of mine is anything but the brightest star. I use epithets for the sake of discretion when gossiping, but here is no gossip. I love my friends. I Iove them all, I worry sick about them. Even if I know they don't worry about me.

Sometimes I think I have the sort of neurodivergence that makes me a difficult presence to acquiesce to. How can I say... I get the feeling that I am loved by many and liked by almost no one. And no I didn't reverse it by accident. I think that people would be really sad if I died, but I don't think they care that much how I'm doing while I'm alive. It's kind of a bitchy, narcissistic thing to think about myself.

I remember when he (Spider-Man) was telling me about her (Warhol) inner life. I think for a moment I was an interloper in their internal world, despite being welcomed towards his insights into her circumstances. I remember feeling bad for her when he essentially told me that she didn't have a whole lot of friends she saw or talked to consistently outside of spending time with him. I tried taking this assessment with a grain of salt because there's always a lot we don't see about each other, and part of me went into my questioning with an impartial mode of analysis given that obviously each party in the breakup would want to tailor their perspective testimony to favor their side, right?

But part of me thinks he was telling the truth, to a certain degree. See, I know what kind of dynamic she's got. She has a lot of friends, but she's an introvert. She likes to be selective about when and where she indulges moments of sociability with loved ones. I don't think that's weird at all. This fact does tend to come at the detriment of the introvert's ability to balance this fact of their character with their need for connection, especially with their partners, is the thing that complicates it.

I think from what he described, there was a codependency problem between them. I think it was pretty layered, based on what both of them said. And what sucked is that I could relate to a lot of it, cause that was my experience with Ghislaine.

There was a class disparity, for starters. Spidey and I are working class people with zero connections or generational wealth. We are both people of color. Now, he's an Asian immigrant, and I'm a native Black Detroiter, so there are differences in what we've got going on. But the similarity is that we have to keep working, all the time, to be able to make it work. Never in my life have I used my parent's credit card to buy some shit 'cept a Lil Ceasars Pizza and a Snickers. We were talking about how we could never afford to fail a class in college cause we could only go off merit scholarships that saved us a lifetime of debt. We talking so broke we can't even get approved for the loans in the first place.

What was I talking about? Oh yeah.

God I need him so fucking bad. I'm gonna get over it again. Somehow.

It's been a few hours. I had dinner with my sister and I was loud as fuck, best Ki I've had in a brick. Food was good asl, too.

Last thing, last thing.

I'm gonna write two more songs for the album. Let me tell about the first one.

It's about speculation, yeah, but it's actually about Persephone. I just wanna get to know her, is all. I won't say more than I should... just that I want the chance to see her face. Man, if I could hear what her laugh sounds like. If I could make her smile, it'd make my year.

The second song is about Remas. It's a folk tune, about six legged spiders in the church of the Date Palm. That's the translated name of Deir Al-Balah. It's a song about keeping your eyes and ears open. About picking a six legged spider out of a crowd. Because the truth is a Zionist, a fascist, a murderer can be any religion, any race, any background.

That's it for today. I'll see you guys soon, gonna listen to more Geese.