10/22/25 - The Merry Men of Sherwood

Right now I'm helping my coworker run his archery class. It is exactly as fun as you'd think. He's a regular Robert of Locksley, right here on Myers and Lyndon. And for the moment, we in this class are his merry men of Sherwood. I am not very talented with the use of compound bows, I much prefer the recurve.

Good things do happen in our corner of the West Side. I was able to reactivate my PayPal, and Manal is working on getting theirs active again. If I can just community with the lady who managed Remas' campaign to get control of it, all will be by my side.

All will be by my side...

Everything in the realm of want becomes animated through dreams. Nothing that I want can be had so easily. Nothing that I need will appear when it's convenient. I simply have to be ready to receive the messages the world wants to send.

All the dreams I waited so long...

Fly tonight, so long, so long...

It's actually a horrific character flaw to yearn, y'know. They say that in the Bible.

I'm shooting like actual dogshit today. Maybe I'd be one of the knife girls in the merry men. Or maybe I'd be focused on Maid Marian. Maid Marian... come to Detroit... we have a castle for you (Marygrove).

Every single man and woman who dedicates themselves to the betterment of others will find themself to be a princess, trapped in a castle of their own creation. Their dragons shall be those marauders, those terrors they work to mitigate the power of.

I know my colors, now. The sales clerk at Meijer said that green suits me, and I'd have to agree with her wisdom. I've been envious of the wrong things this entire year. I can barely sit down these days at work, there's always a million things to do. 

I made myself breakfast. It's exactly what I wanted, but I'm still hungry.

So, let me tell you about my least favorite thing. Something I wish I wasn't aware of. 

It's come to my attention that some of the kids I work with at the rec center seem to have crushes on me. Now, kids having crushes on their teachers is a common thing. The fact alone isn't necessarily cause for concern. But to be forced to interact with children who don't realize I know that... it makes me a little bit uncomfortable. I had to very gently crush tell them that it's not appropriate to act on that sort of thing towards me, and that they shouldn't ever attempt to flirt with adults. One of the girls said I looked like Lady Gaga(?) which their friend tried to explain was supposed to mean that I was pretty in a sort of "celebrity" kind of way. She then snitched on her friend and said that she flirts with other girls at school, which, um... I told her to maybe stop telling me all of that. I like working with kids, but sometimes you run into stuff like that and you just have to just kind of... ignore it.

It's just kind of funny that she may have unintentionally clocked me. I'm not sure if I see the resemblance to me and Stefani. I think she saw eyeliner and mascara and thought... "Mr. Gabriel looks just like Lady Gaga..." which is kind of funny.

I have to mention that at work, I am not fully out. And before you jump down my throat, just know that is for my own safety. When I am not at work, I am fully out of the closet to anyone and everyone. But my workplace is not a safe place to be trans. I love Detroit more than any other place in the entire world, but Detroit is not Chicago, it is not New York, it is not LA. The westside natives (and yes, I am specifically making this statement about west-siders) are, usually, culturally protestant Black folks who surround themselves with family and friends who are just like them. That is a beautiful thing, in the right contexts. But it also means that they will noticeably treat you different if you present as being... something else. Southwest Detroiters are, usually, culturally catholic Latino people who are not usually as outwardly disapproving, as much as many of them, I am sure, keep their feelings about certain things to themselves. There are two kinds of east-siders. There are the cosmopolitan, mixed-background urbanites of the higher income neighborhoods, and there are the working-class/poor Black folks of similar distinctions to Black west-siders. Eastside Black folks and Westside Black folks are pretty much exactly the same, save for one key element that often changes their behaviors and temperament towards others.

The westside is where most native Detroiters are actually "from." A lot of west-siders have a sort of playful superiority complex about not being East-siders. Regional bias in a city is nothing new, but when you hear a West-sider, no matter how poor or rich, talk on the Eastside... it's usually just blatant classism, or homophobia. West-siders never even go after the rich downtown people on the East, like you would assume, right? If they're talking about Downtown people, they're usually gonna find some roundabout way to label them as weirdo faggots (that's me!). When they speak on regular Eastside natives, they always like to talk about how East-siders are poor and violent and dirty and stuff, and it's really disappointing to hear that sort of talk from other Black people who should otherwise know better.

I am out to my favorite work friend (love her!) because in interacting with her, I have learned that she is a more understanding and normal person about trans stuff. When he were hanging out, she asked me a LOT of questions about it, which was kind of funny. Fielding her questions ended up being a eye opening experience for me. It unfortunately made me realize just how defeated and confused my Dad's version of those same questions were. The tone was completely different.

I am wondering if I should ever come out to my other work friend, but I don't know. I don't think he would be against me being trans. I just feel he'd be put in an awkward position he is not familiar with navigating. He doesn't seem like someone with a lot of personal experience with queer people, not for any reason other than the fact that he's just a regular guy.

Guys... those same girls were in my beat-making class. This is the funniest thing that has ever happened to me. They literally won't stop saying I'm like "Lady Gaga but cuter." They are so close to getting it, this is fucking hilarious. I promise, I swear to Christ, I am not making this up. This is simultaneously the cutest and most violently uncomfortable thing today. They were literally singing on the beats they made about "He's Lady Gaga, he's Lady Gaga." I think this is funniest way to react to meeting your first gay person. They kept trying to tell me that I'm like, the most beautiful man they've ever seen. Now unfortunately, those of you who follow my Instagram know that this is probably not true, but it's such a silly situation that I honestly don't know what to think about it other than "this is so fucking funny."

I just think it's funny that people think kids will feel upset and confused in the presence of visibly queer people. No, actually. What will actually happen is two different things. Two very different, but very funny, things.

Boys will silently ponder their own sense of style, jealously concluding that you have more drip than them (I have seen this happen dozens of times at this point). What they'll do is ask, "Why you paint your nails, bro? Why you wear makeup 'n shit?" and I always answer "I like the way it looks!" They usually just say, "... oh, that's cool, that's cool then." And then they sit and don't say anything. They get real contemplative... it's funny. No harassment, no blatant homophobia... just an acceptance that my fit is harder than theirs. This includes most teenage boys too, in fact.

Girls will harrass with you with compliments and words like "Gag, slay, you're literally (celebrity that they approximate towards gay people)." If a little girl finds out you're gay, they will actually become chemically unbalanced in the assumption that they can touch you and be parasocial about you. They're just kids, so they naturally think they're being nice, but it is kind of... a lot. Teenage girls will be, usually, easier to deal with. They just compliment you a lot, and ask you about whatever tv or online program they watch with gay people in it.

I had a good conversation about queerness in society with Birria Girl, and we also had a ki about some of the guys we've been disappointed with in our lives... and then my coworker jumps in with the WILDEST story I've ever heard in my fucking life. Like CSI stuff. Lord.

But then I went to talk with Birria Girl in the parking lot. It was really cute, we're gonna miss each other. She's getting moved to a different building, but she's a real friend. I feel like a bad person for not accepting her very clear messages towards me, though. When we were heading out, she drove her car next to mine in the parking lot so we could keep talking. She seemed really sad that we're getting split up. I'm sad about it, too.

We're actually texting right now as I write this, in fact. I feel like scum. I really just want to have a new friend, a meaningful friendship in my adult years that don't just fizzle out after a few months... but I can tell that she really likes me. She even told me that before she found out I was trans and stuff, she thought was really cute, so that's why she started talking to me.

We're close enough that I've told her about all the stuff I've got going on and whatever, but I also talked about how I'm still trying to recover from my last relationship, and that I'm needing to focus on myself for a little while. I think, when she asked me about where I was with dating, she was priming herself to get let down.

Here's why I know I'm not a good person. I know that it wouldn't be a good idea to indulge anything about that. I think it's better if we're just friends. But... I honestly don't know if I want her that way or not. I just wish she would kiss me one of these days, maybe I might know then. She's the kind of person I'd take a risk on, y'know? She's special, and right now... I'm just hoping the right guy finds her.

I wonder if anybody I knew ever felt this way about me. This is one of those things I never thought I'd ever think when I was younger. 

When I was a kid, I'd do anything to just have somebody look my way, even once. Because I was naive then, I didn’t know. I didn't know I wasn't respecting myself.

That's how I, as an adult, let it happen to me. I stuck around for a year and a half because I was scared of giving up something I believed I had never had. I never thought somebody could actually love me, I never thought somebody could want me. I grew up hating the body I was given, and I never dated for the longest time. In my mind, I thought it wouldn't be right to string along a girl, pretending at being a normal "guy." I thought it would end badly, so I never tried. I finally tried after a few years of silence, and... we all know how that ended.

I guess I just wished, when I was a kid, that somebody could see the through the disguise. I wished that somebody knew enough to try anyway. Everybody is so kind, and so thoughtful, that they never tried to lift mask. I guess it's a noble thing they didn't.

But today is a different day for me. A confusing time to be alive, a strange time to find myself. I've made it further than I had ever dreamed, and yet I'm still just beginning. I know enough to wait, for the right things.

Everything in the realm of want becomes animated through dreams. Nothing that I want can be had so easily. Nothing that I need will appear when it's convenient. I simply have to be ready to receive the messages the world wants to send.

All will be by my side.