10/21/25 - Tarocchini

I'm not gonna try. I'll just do it, and I'll never tell you. And I'll be safe, I'll be cool on my own. I'll be cool knowing that was the last time.

Conflicted feelings in the side of my head, but my temperament is good. Endure, endure, that's the focus right now. Endurance.
Nothing has moved with the right pace. But that's okay. That's okay.

I look down through the window, and none of my creatures are there. No squirrels, no birds, no groundhog. Not even a cat. The grass and leaves have no friends this morning.

I am becoming a superstitious person. I think that's okay. I need to buy some cards. Tarocchini, I'll learn the game to spite this development. These days I find myself trusting ideation and intrusive inclinations. I'm choosing to think that everything I fear my friends think about me is true, and my solution is just... to accept it. I don't try to appeal anymore. I don't apologize for a mistake I never made. I accept that I am worse, in ways I can never fix. And I move on.

I remember being in the DIA, just loving the freedom of having no one with me. I miss the contemporary section, but the renovations will bring some new art for me to obsess about.

I am upset about it, you know. I am thoroughly heartbroken and sad, but I am so happy! I know my truth, I finally know what I am... I am alone! God has made me to be forgotten, God needs me to be repulsive. I serve a purpose in the world I could never understand, and I accept her message.

I can't stop fixating on the stars. I look into the palm of every hand I see. I hallucinate friends in the corner of my eye.

A syllogism of the mind, I learn from what I do not understand. And you know what I have remembered? I remember my fingers.

I twist and crack and bend my fingers, my fingers are my soul. And when they are taken from me, there will be no Adrielle anymore. This is my favorite superstition.

In everything I see play belief and symbolism, things that are not really there. In the magic of another, I see Pegasus in the sky. In the face of those I love, I see Re'em.

And I know, I know. It's not healthy, it's not right. But I look at this and I think... I don't care? I can't force myself to care about the wall. I am beholden to everything, so I laugh anyways. It's not wisdom, it's fun! Something that is divinely fun, what a sloppy turn of phrase.

This eccentricity, this psychological aberration, is exactly what pushes everyone away. And they're right to feel that way. I'll never get with the program, I'm steadily wading through these waters.

A lady in the lake speaks of superstitions and prophecies, it angers and confuses those who trust her. If only I was pretty like she was in the books, y'know.

After this album, it's done. If this doesn't touch any hearts... if it can't make my friends love me again, I'll give it up. I'll give myself up. There won't be an Adrielle ever again. You can forget about her, like a daydream. It'll be like I was never there.

I wish that wasn't how I felt. All of the superstition, that's what it is. That's what it always was. It's a failure to adhere. There's something missing in my brain, I think.

Look at my supervisor, my coworkers. Look at my parents. Look at my friends.

It doesnt make sense that I turned out this way. I got the degree, I saved up money, I'm moving out next month, I'm working full time, I donate and work with mutual aid and charity, I help my friends. So why do I choose to be a fucking freak? Transvestite weirdo, why can't I talk normal?

All my friends still think I'm a man wearing makeup. There's nothing I can do to change that, except lie. Maybe I should do that. I should lie.

I going to begin the course of lying to my friends and family. That's what I have to do! I won't be happy, I won't be myseld, but I'll make my family proud... I'll make everybody love me again.

Writing that out was therapeutic. Wow, I am a fucking nutjob. Whatever. It's so helpful to untangle stuff like that sometimes.

Let me speak plainly. I do feel like I am unlikeable, disregarded and alien. I don't think I'll ever have the opportunity to change anyone's heart. I am resigning myself to be forgotten. I don't think anyone would notice... but also?

All of that is bullshit. I'm getting ready for work, right? I can fix my PayPal there. I can submit the info for the campaign. I'll help with the clubs today, y'know. I've got a job, I'll pay off my credit next week. I'll spread some aid, I'll make another clip or video maybe. 5 tracks finished for the album, we'll take a small break to develop more for it.

I won't do makeup today. Just skin, sunscreen and snail essence (lmao thnx for the gift, friend). Or maybe I'll do eyeliner. Idk. No lips, I think. No eyeshadow. I never do cheeks, I like to look as uncomfortable as I feel, lmao. No more feelings, just let the water rush around me. I can backslide into a feeling of nothing.

I wonder what zoloft feels like. I wish I knew what it felt like to let my mind sit down and rest. I guess we'll never know.

Here are some pictures. Despite everything going on inside my head, I love you guys. I hope you guys like crazy! Love you!



Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

9/7/25 - 1800

"Sometimes, it's best to remember wisdom. Sometimes, I must remember that I all I can ever know is that I don't know anything. I have no idea who anybody ever is." This is the only section of my original entry for today that I still believe is true. I believe it is the only passage that authentically conveys what is in my heart. It's now been a good 13 hours since I left Big Pink. That's right, I ended up going, had a blast. People liked my dancing again, that's always nice to hear. TV Lounge was nice too, the music was better, but its a great place to sit down and let my mind slip away. It was in doing that I realized that very same sadness you see in quotes. Sometimes I read my past entries, and I notice what I've lost about myself. I used to be a more poetic person, a more verbose person, before this job stripped all of that out of me. I used to be someone worth knowing. I think that day, the day of my first call-off, was the day that ruined it all....
Read more

8/20/25 - Melinda Ledbetter

Image
The confusion has taken over. You have to be wanted to be welcomed. You have to be familiar to be family. I am a stranger. My coworkers don't like me anymore. It's just a job again. I don't know what I expected. It's only halfway through probation, and I'm already looking down the barrel. Yesterday a staff member said they saw a mouse in the broom closet. I kept thinking I should let it bite me so I could get some paid time off. The right people are talking to me again, and I'm still down the well. So it's a me problem. And there's a stalker of some sorts who's been coming in to work for weeks. Every day. He's making the ladies uncomfortable. I shouldn't be surprised, it's everywhere. It's in the water. One of the kids came into work and I almost felt like I didn't wanna die again. They're more interesting to talk to. Maybe that's the wrong thing to think. Some of my coworkers hate these kids. Maybe they're right and I...
Read more

10/22/25 - The Merry Men of Sherwood

Image
Right now I'm helping my coworker run his archery class. It is exactly as fun as you'd think. He's a regular Robert of Locksley, right here on Myers and Lyndon. And for the moment, we in this class are his merry men of Sherwood. I am not very talented with the use of compound bows, I much prefer the recurve. Good things do happen in our corner of the West Side. I was able to reactivate my PayPal, and Manal is working on getting theirs active again. If I can just community with the lady who managed Remas' campaign to get control of it, all will be by my side. All will be by my side... Everything in the realm of want becomes animated through dreams. Nothing that I want can be had so easily. Nothing that I need will appear when it's convenient. I simply have to be ready to receive the messages the world wants to send. All the dreams I waited so long... Fly tonight, so long, so long... It's actually a horrific character flaw to yearn, y'know. They sa...
Read more