1/14/26 - Embolism

Yesterday after work I messed up taking my injections, and I hit a major artery. I was bleeding so much, I managed to eventually staunch it and get a bandage. I still feel tingly and lightheaded, this has never happened before. There were two weeks before I had help taking injections where this never happened. Yesterday was the first day I went that wrong.

There's a malaise of unease and disgust that has infected the air surrounding my person. I've been visiting my parents a lot in the first half of January. I love to he with my family, yeah... but I also like being around them because they seem like the only people that arent disgusted at the sight of me. I just don't understand it. I don't like being in my apartment. I wish I was an introvert, it would be easy to keep it all in.

Every time I open my eyes, whenever I blink, I see news of another holocaust in the works. Maybe this is just what God wants right now.

I don't get the feeling that my personality or presence is wanted anymore. All that I learned from last year is to be arrogant enough to know that I'm an incredible person, even if I don't have anything to show for it right now.

Part of me wishes I let myself bleed out a little longer. It would have made things so much easier, I guess. But it's not the right thing to do. I have to finish this album. I have to finish giving this one all my energy. It's the only thing keeping me alive. If this album doesn't provide... something, that might make me feel like an actual human, I might just have to give in.

I don't have the ability to maintain an honest lifestyle anymore. I haven't done anything bad enough to justify feeling this way, but I know that I have it in me to one day be a truly hateful individual. I sometimes wish I could allow myself to be less human.

I was able to play soccer with the kids at work yesterday, that was the best I had felt in months. Working with kids is the only thing that made this job bearable, and the lifeless white walled dome I'm working in effectively stripped that away.

I could never keep all my thoughts and emotions to myself. It feels like drowning to force myself to do that. Keeping a private diary feels like sewing my vocal chords together. I'd rather die.

Sometimes I think God wants me to act as an example to my peers. Like I'm not really meant to make it, I'm meant to be a proof of concept on the failures of my personhood. Something to avoid. Like... maybe it would be something teachable if I could just die. I dunno.

It's mostly dark bullshit with me right now. I'm gonna cut this one short and right a nicer blog post after this.