5/8/25 - Sidney Lumet

I've been feeling ungrateful lately.  The active emotion I felt upon waking up today was fear. I'm not going outside as often as I used to. I'm afraid of being seen. I don't want to make other people uncomfortable, and it's a bit of trap, isn't it? Not very becoming of a public documenter to be agoraphobic, antisocial. Maybe it's the isolation. Self imposed, I might add. My confidence, and well-being these days, is largely influenced by how flush I am at a given moment. Just one responsibility drains it all back to nothing, is the thing. I feel confident to face my friends when I have enough to ensure I can provide for them in a outing. How superficial, how trite! Sometimes I love myself, I can be a little vain, can't I?

I was taking my estrogen, and my girlfriend touched their nose to mine, to kiss me while my mouth was unavailable. Very cute. I guess they're why I keep up the search, why I bother trying to stay afloat in the job pool at all. I believe they deserve the best. In service to their betterment and livelihood I can prove my worth to myself.

A greater version of myself whispers to me, that I deserve good things, too. The better part of my heart knows that maybe this is true, but there in lies the weakness of this earnestness: It only whispers. The fear, the anxiety, it's always so loud. So, so loud.

There is part of me that wishes I could do more, to engender myself towards openess, and approachability. I wish I could see myself as my partner sees me. I wish I could understand the vision my parents had for me.

It's hard not to dwell. When I write an entry, I think about how I will feel in the future. I think about how much my words might alienate, how much they might harm. And after thinking, I post anyway. It's like a self-flagellation, it feels almost religious. Or maybe just ritual, if that's too heavy for a blog. A blog, what a great idea! I'll have to give my thanks in person! I can't actually do that though... i've done enough damage in text already. The idea of poisoning the well with my unease "in-person" is nauseating to think about. I will respect the right of others to never talk to me ever again.

Tommorow, I will be with my family again. It's a cheeky little outing, the Space Dive! It's a family night, so I'm assuming that means no Twi'lek cosplayers. Bummer. I'm looking forward to seeing how dusty and gross the cantina will be, I just love a good slime coating on top of a table.

The tone of this entry, it's been rather glib. It's not exactly honest, in it's representation of what I truly mean to say. I am optimistic, that things will get better. I do believe there is a brighter day, of course I do. It is within my tradition, it is adherent to my ethics.

It's just... I don't know how long it's gonna take to get there. I'm just not sure of anything these days, you know. I like to think I'm doing enough, but I know, in my heart, that there will always be more. I look at the news, and then I look at anything that isn't the news, and my heart feels like it's been stretched out. I do one interview, I do another, and another, and it's all I ever do. Plenty of bites, but never a fish. Nothing to bring home. I don't have anything else to give, but my time. I can give you that much, I will always be willing to give you my time. And that is all I need.

Ending it here. I'll see you soon.