I've been thinking about the social, communal impact of dying, a lot. That's not very special. It's the same old shit. I'm honestly tired of being sad and mopey. It's so boring, isn't it? Depression is really a trite sort of affliction, it's exhausting to hear about. Stop being such a toddler and eat your vegetables, you know?
It's like in American Werewolf in London, where Jack is telling David, "You ever talked to a corpse? It's boring! I'm lonely!"
I can't believe John Landis was ever allowed to breathe air. I think he should have been turned into dog treats for that Twilight Zone thing, with the children and the helicopter blades.
I still try to talk to Remas. She's opened up just the tiniest bit. It's great to hear from her.
I'm talking to my ex on WhatsApp a lot. Only been separated for just around a week and a half. I want to maintain healthy friendship, but I dunno. I've never done this before. I feel like maybe I'm too lenient with the language I've used. I hope I'm doing this right. I hope things can remain positive. I believe in them, I hope that they believe in me.
It was my belief that staying employed would ground my perspective and sober my thoughts. Finding peers in my coworkers could help tether me to reality.
That was what I thought would be the case. I must say that unfortunately, my mental homeostasis has gotten used to this job. And so, the oxygen comes back in, I start to coagulate again. I'm not as fluid, or as flexible, as I'd like to be.
I've regressed a great deal. Just hearing myself think has disappointed me.
Let me tell you what I've been thinking about. It's just another ideation I'll never lack the control to subdue. I've been thinking about blocking everybody in my contacts, and my social media, and throwing my phone in the river after crossing the border. I could drive forever until my gas runs out. After it's empty, I can walk to a nice little nowhere. And I don't really know what I'd do after that.
You know what I think? Stop being such a toddler and eat your vegetables.
I want... too many things. I don't want material possessions. I resent myself for that. I want something ungiveable. Something I don't believe I have earned. I've accepted that I need to learn to tolerate what I see in the mirror.
My family loves me. They poke holes in everything that I do, and everything that I am. They don't take me seriously as a person, and I've decided there's nothing I can do to change their minds. Who cares anymore. It's enough that they love me, I don't have the ability to change people.
Stop being such a toddler and eat your vegetables.
I'm saving up for a place of my own. I'm thinking... this might be it for me. This is the highest I can go. I'm not meant for anything greater than this. I don't think I believe in myself anymore.
I want to apologize to all my friends and family, for putting you guys through it. Y'all didn't deserve any of that, you guys are just trying to live your lives and stay above water, I understand that. I'm gonna stop talking to people, I'm gonna try to focus on myself.
I understand it's been a large gap since the last time I wrote on this blog. I had a moratorium put on posting, yknow, and I think maybe I should have just stuck to that. I'm a liability to my loved ones right now, and my goal is to put myself in a spot where that's not the case anymore.
I still feel the same. I thought that changing my life would fix something, but it didn't. Nothing is different, you know?
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