I have that song stuck in my head, you know. I have to thank Jim Morrison for his timeless songwriting capabilities. It's a shame that in real life he was, like, The Joker.
C'mon baby, light my fire... c'mon baby, light my fire...
I need to drink more mint tea. I want to have a little taste, a small experience of the norms of Gaza. It's become a sort of neurosis of interest, a method of emotionally reifying the culture of Palestine into my heart; I wish to carry with me a piece of a place I've never been to. I'm looking to do the same with nations around the world. With Tigray, with Sudan, with Congo. With Haiti, with everyone. In my heart is a fear that we may forget the people of these cultures under siege, and that when the work is done, the honest people of the lay, living their lives within our imperial core, may never know what the world has truly lost.
I do not want to be one of those people. I don't think I could ever forgive myself if I forgot this moment in time.
The music is coming along nicely, I will say. Every song has been written, vocals have been recorded, the shape of this project is now a recognizable, human form. It's not necessarily impressive or anything, I am just proud of the progress I'm making. Finding a voice, a sound that suits the color of my imagination, it is not easy. It is very satisfying to find that shape, and I believe it has been worth the effort.
Throughout the process of creation, you come to learn more about yourself, more about the expanse of your perspective, the limits of your feelings. It can be very humbling, you know. In really crafting Hepburn, I've come to understand more about myself, and that which really lies at the core of my personhood. I have come to understand that I am a very tenacious individual, perhaps maybe even overtly persistent, but I am also very timid in my assertions. I do not like conflict, even that which might be necessary or needed. In a very fundamental sense, I prefer to rest, to lay down. I take pleasure in raucousness as a contrast, not as a norm.
So, I guess in that understanding, I've learned that there will always be a place for those jagged edges in my heart. It does seem, though, that they exist more as accents amidst a very sleepy, dreamlike kind of demeanor. I've always been aware that I can jump very quickly between a sort of cheekiness and a very quiet kind of reservation. I'm choosing to enjoy this aspect of myself, ever since I started work on this project. I no longer want to concern myself with whether these contrasts are becoming of an occupation or not, they are instead the necessary contrasts of my heart.
And now... for the silly stuff.
I redownloaded the horse girl game. That's right, friends and readers. I sooner chose to microdose gambling with another Mihono Bourbon career playthrough, than take the plunge back onto Twitter. It wasn't an easy decision, y'know. Twitter is the only real social media website ever, and if you say Tumblr is real social media, I will remind you of the great exodus of porn lovers that settled onto the Twitter plateau in the year of our Lord two thousand and eighteen, in the common era.
Today after work I am going to make an attempt to watch Chungking Express. I say an "attempt" because I am so fucking tired today, it's not even funny. I didn't even stay up late, I think my body decided to cheat me on electrolytes today. I'm hoping it doesn't carry over to the rest of the week, because I believe that I should see about going to the club again with my twin. Deluxx Fluxx is the desired spot this time, but I might try Northern Lights if they're not available. Planning my weekends never actually helps determine what I land on doing, but I am ready to adjust to anything this week. Tomorow, I get paid, so I'll be able to donate some more, and I can pay off some of my credit.
I don't think I'll be going to City Club any time soon... unless I can book a show, in which case, we'll just have to see what happens. If I can't secure some plans with anybody else, I might reach in my back pocket a bit and go to Ann Arbor. If there's anything interesting at Metal Frat, I'll be there.
What I am anticipating steadily is news of anything at The Broad. A friend said they might have work on display in Lansing sometime this year, so I'm trying to make sure I keep my ride ready in the case where I can check that out. And I will be checking that, you know.
I've gotta ask a different friend if they have any swimwear to sell. I know archive sellers don't typically sell that stuff as much as I'd like, but I have to be candid. That field trip ruined me; my brain is still in Honolulu. If Final Fantasy X didn't exacerbate that sort of neurosis, I might have made normal music by now. But no, my friends. Dolls of God really needed to be made, it's one of my best works.
Part of me does feel as if I'm working back into that creative bag, whether entirely conscious or not on my own part. I don't remember which of projects my friends said they liked the most.
I'll have to ask you guys, if that's something you're into.
The subconscious malaise of creative influence flows in a recognizable cycle, to my eyes. It is a crisp, blue river that flows between the testing grounds of machinery and sound. Every vehicle of change in the sky sees themselves reflected on the surface, and every creature has their own way of stepping across the water to whichever side they so choose. In our testing grounds, we as individuals learn more about ourselves. Sometimes as a group, sometimes as solitary souls.
That picture was clarified once again on Primetime. That project was largely an effort to take back some creative license, to reaffirm a more brave, gladiatorial spirit in my approach to songwriting and art.
One last thing: I am doing better on my own. I am safe, and I am now finally comfortable in my own skin. I am pursuing consultation with a psychiatrist, but I am also looking to just have consistent sessions with a therapist as well. Just because I'm feeling better today, and that I am finally alone, does not mean I should not continue an effort to better myself.
I am making more progress every day, becoming the best version of myself. I can have occasional drinks without any problems, and I will smoke real stuff, but no carts or vapes. It's gotta be rollable! I am still open to trying psychs, with a reliable guide and friend with me, in a safe environment. I think I'm good on edibles for now, they just make me fall asleep it feels like. Which isn't really bad, just kind of boring, I guess(?). I'm available for whatever plans on the weekend, regardless.
I'll see you guys again soon, take care.
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