9/29/25 - Dreams

So when I'm drunk I write like that. I think maybe I do like myself.

Today I was put into the mood to indulge. I've become attached to the method and dream of David Lynch's works, again and again. It's a spell that is cast on the senses, a tug at my feelings that I am powerless to resist. In the world of dreams, we see too much, and for this revelation, our hearts will always be enough. Truthtellers of the mind, our subconscious will keep the score, tallied in a place we can never know. Comfort and suffering are sisters in arms. Their vexes and vices entangled with their pleasures. Whether it's you or me... let yourself fall into the spectrum of R.E.M. messaging. You'll find an answer.

When writing the many stories and manuscripts of the maladaptive individuals that stay in my mind, the world of the ZRD I machinated so many years ago, I was chiefly inspired and motivated by the faces and scenery of my dreams. The events of the story were often inspired more by feelings than stakes. My music tends to manifest as an expression of the subconscious. It doesn't always come out as something I initially intend to create. In my creations, there is a certain static, a certain feeling that I do not feel in anything else I hear. It is the one thing I know I must never let go of, that static. It's like a lymphatic alchemy, a neuronic cuddle. When writing this entry, I have let my fingers type what they want to type. I'm taking less inventory in the department of editing and sense, and I'm letting my anima take over.

What draws a lot of people to David Lynch as a creative is not simply an appreciation of the visual aesthetics, or formalist examinations of the skill of his actors, or surface level analyses of the direction of his projects. There is, in both his works and his words, a revelation of the emotional world that connects all people. There is an understanding of our sadness as individuals that creates an uncanny, but warm sense of community between those who admire his persona and work.

I see the same sort of electricity in the works of one of my favorite directors and writers, Yoshiyuki Tomino.

GET. OFF. SOCIAL MEDIA. NOW.

ENOUGH WITH THE TWIN PEAKS! AND THE GUNDAM!

Okay I'm healed. Let's indulge again. I'm gonna work on music and check back with you guys! <3

All of my clothes are too big. They're men's clothes. You can't even tell I'm shaped the way I am from how I dress, it is hilarious. My passability would improve tenfold if I just wore some more form fitting stuff I think. I do miss getting fucked, let me be honest. It's frustrating. So to say that I swore it off on principle is indicative of deprivation.

If I just let that happen again I think the smarticles could loosen up a bit and go to work again. I'm thinking that might have to be the new side mission. Main tasks are work and savings, obviously. But to inform good work, I need a good thrashing I think. This is not something you're supposed to say in good company, and is something that one should have some shame about. But this is my blog, it is truth teller dot com. There's like, allusions that could be implemented in the future to soften the blow of reality I think. Reframe it as a spa day.

What's up everyone, it's your boy on G96! Today, I need a facial! 

I keep watching those videos of people eating at Michelin star restaurants where every course is like a single bite of weird looking food, but there's like 30 courses so it evens out. Hmm.

It's been several months since I had a Michelin star meal downtown, and I'm hearing shapes and tasting sounds!

I'm done, I promise. What are you supposed to do about this? Will Zoloft help me become celibate? Can you sell Zoloft under the table and if so who is selling it and where can I buy it? Where? Please. I hate this.

It's like. I'm not ready for that dive again? Dating, I mean. It's criminal, it's ridiculous. How can I feel ready for that? But also I am ready. I'm too ready. If there's a man or woman out there who wants to drain my bank account and bite my earlobe, I need him or her to know that there's currently open enrollment here. It's not a good school, but I can cook and have a car.

I remember he told me "All Art Is Masturbatory" recently when I was talking about feelijg unmotivated to finish the album, and I'm halfway thinking as I read that text, "hmm say that again but attatch a visual aid this time."

In the moment after thinking that I realized I need to speed up the antipsych prescription process by 1000%. If I take the right medicine I won't be gay anymore, right? Is that how it works?

I don't think I took anything today... did I? Did I take something? I don't remember. I feel like I took a chocolate? Like an edible or something? The edible chocolate bar that tastes like ___? Is that what did it? I think that did it.

Hannnnnnnds across the water...

Hannnnnds up to the sky...

We're so sorry... Uncle Albert... I could really use a "drink" right about now.

But we didn't mean to cause you any pain...

Flip on the TV, its drywall. Nothing is hot, no warmth! Nothing is sexuality in it's feeling or essence. Its a dictionary definition now... it's so demoralizing.

To see their face light up from above or below... the feeling of being pressed against them. A bite or a kiss, to get a good grip on the sides.

Fuck this is so exhausting... why did this have to happen today. I was doing really good not caring or thinking about it but it's starting to get ridiculous. Touch starved is such an understatement. There was that bit from the Office where Meredith was talking about it. She hadn't smashed in like, 20 years, so she couldn't emotionally handle any prolonged touch with another person whatsoever. It's like the whole body was an erogenous zone, is what she said. It's funny because it really isn't!

Don't touch me, please don't touch me. I'm not going pathologize my shortcomings, I'll just call a spade a spade: I'm maybe not mentally equipped to be in a relationship right now. I'd combust. Except I really want to be with someone. Anyone. And it's getting harder to not feel crazy about it.

I'm gonna finish tonight's works and go to bed. I'm doing okay (!!!!!!!) I'll post again soon, take care!