Never in my life, let me tell you. I won't talk about it, I'll let it marinate.
This project is just downright impossible to pull off. I don't have enough money to pull it off, is what I think. Every rope is starting to tug at the same time, and that's just life, I guess. I'm not going to wince, I'm not going to winge, I'm just gonna sleep again.
I wrote a song about them, and I don't like the way it sounds right now. I think I'm having a bout of malnutrition again, so I'm taking my mindset with a grain a salt. Bit of a bizarre concept, maybe. I think writing about them made it easier to forget. Not everybody makes it easy to move on, but some people do. I guess I'll have to thank them for being so easy to walk away from.
I think about the song from Strawberry Switchblade, Go Away. It's all the same things, it's all the same feelings. James Baldwin spoke on how there really are no original feelings, no original thoughts. If you read far enough, learn about what people have felt in years past, you come to understand how many people have been through what you've been through. You start to realize how many have seen what you've seen. You start to understand just how much strength it takes, every time it happens.
I've been privileged enough to have a long memory, in some areas. I've been privileged enough to recognize, and feel, that the cycle is starting again. And it's magical, you know. It feels lighter, like a sort of linen sheet. To be on top of it all, seeing the wheel turn like that... it makes it hurt a bit less.
I feel like maybe I'm getting closer to understanding her. I understand the feeling, it's like being strapped down to a chair. I understand why she went down the road she's walking. I have a friend I haven't spoken to in a long time, a friend from grade school! I only see them online anymore, y'know. It's a good thing to move on. It's a good thing to forget. I'm still thinking about that call. I don't know why I told her all those things. She seemed busy, you know? She was at the height of the wheel, and here I was through the satellite signal pushing her down, closer to the bottom. She is good person.
I let Charlie Kirk getting popped ruin my focus. I said no extra posting, get off social media, and I fucked it up again. I knew eventually I was gonna relapse on something. I stopped smoking, and I stopped drinking, so it was bound to happen. This is what I mean by being atop the wheel. I'm not beating myself up as much when I can remember my limitations. It's not as crushing to remember how long it needs to take.
I tried to promise myself that I'll get negative influences out of my life, to separate from... "scenarios," that make me feel horrible. There's the issue, you know... I can't make promises to myself. Not anymore. I knew from the start I couldn't really do it, and so the fact that, slowly, I'm achieving what I need, as frustrating as it is... it is important. It is good that I'm making an effort, that I'm making any progress. I'm kind of crawling on my stomach, but I'm moving forward.
I realize there's a certain mode of reflection I tend write in, that I feel can be grating after a week or so. It's not something I am willing to change, believe that.
I'm still not really getting away. Maybe I never will. I called all those people just to fail them again. Maybe that's just a temporary condition... hopefully this is just a season. The wheel, I think, has to keep rolling, right? I'll find a way out. One day.
You know, my Aunt went through a similar thing actually. The things my family had to do to keep her safe, you know. I wish I was smart enough to stop myself from letting that happen to me. I guess I'm not as much of a brainiac as I feared, I guess that's a good thing!
As I continue the course on this project, part of me is thinking... maybe Hepburn isn't meant to be? I'm realizing that writing this entry is making me feel a bit worse, actually. Maybe being an extrovert is a bad thing, actually? This is awful! I think I don't like this revelation about myself. The need to tell everyone what I'm thinking, you know. Music, you know.
I'm noticing I'm not as pretty sounding and verbose today, unfortunately. I'm still tired from yesterday, to be honest. I feel a need to highlight some things about myself.
I don't use AI. None of this is AI. I don't assume any of my peers thought I was using anything like that, I just wanted to say it out loud.
It was bugging me because I know I write too much, but I know a lot of people who loathe the idea of writing anything longer than a paragraph, and I understand them, y'know. But that's not me. I've a more embarrassing vice, officer. Father, I have sinned. I've got a novels worth of diary entries I post on my Instagram so somebody I used to know in Middle School can find out I'm a tranny drug addict. It can feel a bit humorous to be so vain sometimes, do you get what I mean?
Learning that I am a bit of an extrovert has been bittersweet, because it seems so unbecoming! All of my friends I made up to this point, they're all introverts. I used to be an introvert too, because guess what? I met 90% of these people when I was still in the closet. When I was sane, when I was a good egg, go figure. All these introverts I know, they found their true selves, and they're all mature now, they're such good people, you know? I was such a late bloomer, and now look at me. Now I can't make myself shut up, I can't stop doing things and saying things and going out... I exhaust myself, you know?
Sometimes I wish I was still an introvert, sometimes I wish I was still a good speaker, but it was knocked out of me. And I can't tell you why, it's so... frustrating! I'm so happy to spill, I can barely hold it in, but I'm in an unsafe situation right now, so some of you guys are just going to have to use your imagination!
I remember I made the mistake of being social and happy and having my makeup on recently, and it made my family sad! They don't like having gay weirdos in their family, I understand.
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