I was listening to that song by Adrianne Lenker, Not A Lot, Just Forever.
Trust a song like that to turn me to an old sap again. It made me think about too much.
I don't know when I shook off the irony. I don't remember the exact day or time. Except as I'm writing, I remember. I remember when it happened.
I remember the confusion when it happened. I remember seeing her girlfriends's tweets. How she didn't know what was going on. She didn't believe it. I didn't understand what was going on. I remember finding the letter. I was so confused, and then I read. And it all felt like a joke.
I remember where I was when I found out that Eden died. I was in Frankenmuth, on a family trip. I was in a restaurant, they had the best barbecue, the best. And I didn't give a shit about any of that. I was so full of the arsenic, the pain of that sick fucking joke. It was like...
I don't pretend to understand what life has made me become. I just hope I can do right by her through all my days.
I'm only just watching the BBC Doc about Eden. It's like a kind of slow acting cyanide. I'm getting a headache. I remember all of these pics, I remember her talking about this stuff... Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. I feel nauseous.
The doc mentions everything, every single little thing. I remember the anxiety I felt when I noticed she dropped off socials for a minute. When her gf said she didn't know where she was. It's just...
I'm letting the emotions do their thing. I'm not fighting it, I've decided. Everything I am. I'm gonna be the best.
I decided that I want to give myself a new name. Not just for music, but for like, life, y'know. I love my name, I love Gabriel... but its connotation holds me back from being seen as I really am.
There are names I like but I cannot take. There are already folks I know with those names, I feel like it'd be awkward to have the same name as them. It'd be like, social theft, idk.
In embracing who I really am, being authentic, I realize something. I am not chill. I'm not a vibe. I'm not approachable by everyone. I am wonderful, and I am myself. Everything that I am is real, and there are ways in which my actions, my manner can push away some people. Let them go, I'm not going to capitulate.
I finally found myself free of the spiral I got sucked into back then. I was never a factor, and thank goodness for that. I should have lived a better life. I was crazy, I was being stalked and controlled, that's my fault. Honestly, I should have just never said anything. Even if it was about giving thanks, talking about escaping all of that. To say anything was too much. I can only imagine how difficult it's been for her. There's been a lot lately, y'know. I don't know how she does it.
Tired. We'll pick it up at work.
And here we are!
Why do they always play Little House on the Prairie on the work TV? This is a Black community.
In all seriousness, this show is actually really good, and I hate that. It's hard to believe TV shows used to be shot and lit like that. It literally just looks like a movie, but not in that usual Primetime TV way. In it's visual direction, in the way they move the camera.
There is some different news. Unseen is done, it's just in the mastering phase. I like the direction of this album. I do think it is not radio made, but that was kind of the idea, y'know? Part of it was, I'm kinda tired of normal. I'm tired of tailored and clean. In sound, in music, I mean.
"Gabe, none of your music was ever tailored and clean."
What about Modern Prometheus, huh? And especially HKGHT. One day I will release the real masters for that one, of the tracks I did. For real. You'll hear the difference, I stg.
You'll hear the difference. You'll hear the difference, I promise.
That song is still stuck in my head. God, I hate songwriting. It's witchcraft, all writing is witchcraft. It's so intoxicating. The particular creative discipline I chose for myself is such a revealing sort, y'know.
It is always so fun when people just start saying bullshit at work. Why are we talking about Teyana Taylor? Why does it matter that Cardi B had sex while she was pregnant? Who are you?
He said that Cardi B is a whore (woah!).
"What would be your definition of a 'whore'" - Well Intentioned Coworker Lady.
"A whore is... a cumbucket." - Crazy Nigga That Doesn't Even Work Here.
... I heard about the Sumud. Don't talk to me. They will not kill them, because if they do, I will make some very poor decisions. Let me keep it at that.
Anyways, I'll see you guys soon. Sun Cult Forever, love you.
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