No more numbers.
No more aspiration. It's over with. We're done with the game of it.
People make it happen in spite of it, that'll have to be the drive, won't it?
I can make it to 27. I might go past it juat a bit. By then I'm hoping I am not remembered, so then it can be easy.
I have to leave the organization. I have to leave everything.
Everything. Every single person, every single plan. No more spinning plates.
My songs will not be for the community. Not anymore. My songs will not be available to anyone but myself and myself only."
Depression is a biological imbalance that will stay with me the rest of my life.
It is in states like these where I do two things. Firstly, I pray to God to give me the necessary weights around my heart to keep myself down from the hanging post. Secondly, I write.
I write and I write and I write. I write everything down. Every single suicidal thought and action, every single piece of hatred and loathing, it's all on here. It works.
I haven't attempted suicide in years. I was close a few times, but I'm just so clever you know... I figured out how to dissapoint myself. I gotta keep that up. Being serious.
I'll tell you what triggered today's spiral into ideation. I missed the general committee meeting. I wanted to attend more than anything. My inability to participate as an active member of the committee has absolutely ruined my spirits and taken all the wind out my sails. This horrendous schedule at work makes it so I may never be able to attend a general meeting ever again. I hate this job so much today, I hope I forget everything about this tommorrow. I may as well not be in the organization anymore. I think I'll text the leader that I can't do it anymore. They'll likely take it without any contest or questioning. She's a tall standing leader, a great thing for the community. Once again, that is not meant to be backhanded or sarcastic. I am being genuine.
I was already unusual enough being there as often as I was. I've seen the torrid looks from that guy from big national group, he doesn't like me at all. He feels very threatened by my presence. I will never join an organization that so clearly does not want me there. That's his fiefdom, it's his rules. Not my place to intrude.
I hope the lovely girls and gays in the achieve great things and have fun. I mean that. That is not meant to be backhanded or sarcastic, for the record, I'm serious.
Whole time they probably aren't even thinking about my absence at all. They don't give a shit. That's good actually, that's like... a normal sort of reaction.
It's not their fault that I'm not mentally well. It's not anyone else's responsibility to check on me or make me a better person. It is my fault for being so incapable of optimism, my fault for being so entrenched in sadness and cold.
I don't like the sunny days anymore. I always hate the sunny days. I want my gray skies again. I want the obscurity of the dark back in my life, take away this heat from my life.
I will have no more hopes of connection with anyone. I knkw what it's like to date a depressed person, I can't do that to anyone else. I cannot burden another-
All of that was wrong BTW.
It's actually disgusting how on the mark he was. Tomino got it perfect. I have to stop. I don't think I have a normal interest in MSG.
No more lamenting. It's fading out a little.
Patience... moderation... keep up a good thing. Keep up a good thing.
Good fortune, Tenno.
We'll be fine. We'll be fine.
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