7/7/26 - Blur

Today I don't believe in anything and I want to die, but none of that matters. I am trying to do good things anyways. I somehow have to find a way to be optimistic, despite how murky the waters may seem.

The transfer to Manal was unsuccessful. The money was refunded by PayPal for whatever reason, and she's not getting my messages.

This family reunion planning debacle... whatever.

Ibrahim sent me those videos, you know... he says his daughter has Smallpox. I'm a bit beside myself, you know. I thought that surely he must have meant "chickenpox." Smallpox was eradicated, as far as I know... but I can't put it past this world to inflict that sort of suffering. 

I just have to pray that things get better.

I don't believe in anything today. But I will be optimistic, not for my own sake. I have to believe in a better future for them.

I was talking to Cronkite irl recently, I tried my best to elucidate on the concepts behind Galahad, but I could feel myself minimizing the scope of my plans for the sake of... nothing. I don't quite know myself why I did that, actually.

It was good to see him, and while we were hanging out, a homeless man bothered us for some snacks. Cronkite got him some chips and Pop, though I initially was the one who agreed to appease him. Bit of a wily chap, but I hope he's doing alright.

I've often felt that one day I'll find myself on the street, much like him. I don't feel that I am any different than the homeless folks I've given to and spoke with in my day-to-day. In many ways, I feel like I understand their gait of conversation more than I understand many of my peers, I guess. Homeless people are just everyday folks who got unlucky in the capitalist game, really. They're just you if enough bad things happened all at once. Imagine your Mom dies, and you get laid off, and you don't have enough to pay off a hospital bill for your chronic conditions, and rent is due in three days.

What would you do in that situation? How good is your support system?

For example, both of my parents work, and I can crash at theirs if I need to, but my Dad can't drive cause he's legally blind. Lets say my Mom suddenly passed, right? Horrible. I would never wish or desire this. 

If my Mom passed in some sudden circumstance, how much time and money goes into her service and splits? I'd have to put in a notice to my supervisor for paid time off, because I can't afford to be unpaid more than a day or two to still make rent. I might have to skip out on refills for my prescription, sort of pausing my transition, right. We'd have to figure out what to do with getting Dad to work, if my twin and I move into the house. We'd likely have to cancel our Apartment lease and move out to make that work, to help Dad pay the bills for the house. That's all setting aside the psychological devastation that I can't even wrap my head around in this hypothetical.

Now let's say I get laid off a week before that happened. Let's say I was in an abusive relationship where my partner is using all my money and manipulating and sexually harrassing me (so basically like a year ago). Now let's say I got into a car accident while we're planning the funeral. Now let's say I got hypothermia a month before, too.

Can you imagine if none of you knew who I was? If we weren't friends, and you couldn't help with anything in that scenario? I was just a stranger on the street?

Can you imagine if my extended family had a history of alcoholism, and we didn't talk?

That's how people get homeless. It's shit like that. Yeah, a few just make some bad choices, but it's so much more complicated than that, too.

The people in Gaza didn't even do anything bad, and they're living like this. Same with Sudan, Congo, Cuba, Venezuela, you name it. Sometimes I wonder, why do Americans feel their privilege will last forever? That it's somehow infinite, as if they're ontologically protected from the nasty side of life like that? Y'know, like... what makes you think it's never gonna come for you? That's an intentional trick of the regime, I know. I just wonder why it's so easy, sometimes.

Every now and again, a tragedy forces some innocent Americans to realize just how fake that veil of protection and innocence really is, right? A family loses a child in a school shooting. A city is poisoned from their water supply at the hands of a racist administration. A family is ripped apart and sent to an ICE concentration camp, and a civilian is killed trying to protect them. Your insurance company denies coverage of your daughter's lifesaving medicine, and a loosened regulation causes your son to ingest heavy metals in his breakfast cereal.

The imperial capitalist state, the American fascist empire, it never changes. It always finds a way. It used to just be about money, but it's not even just that anymore. They're fine with losing money they don't need. It's the aesthetics, that was always the idea. Fascism, it's named after a multi-corded flail. A tool of torture. That's the point.

People like the inequalities. People think it's fun to be better than someone else. That's always been the answer. It's about giving in.

Sometimes I worry that I'm becoming too cynical. Like, yes, I gotta stay on point with material analysis, but sometimes I feel like I'm losing myself a bit. Like I'm letting the apparatus win. Like, I look at my works and think, who cares? You're right on top of the water.

It's hard to shake. It's hard. But I can do anything.

Thats always been my issue. I can do anything, but I can't do everything.

It's all about choosing, with me.

I'll figure it out. I keep writing these new songs, y'know, but I'm too stressed out to produce anything.

I'm being pulled towards a sound sort of like what George Martin was doing on Revolver with I'm Only Sleeping. That is the current motive. All the songs I'm writing suit that framework, anyways.