7/9/26 - Michelle

I think I've found my least favorite track from the fab four. Whatever. It's so procedural, y'know, it's stuff like that where I kind of understand why they used to rag on Paul so much. Tripe. It's so sickly, it possesses me to think of the worst sort of bliss that life would muster.

I'm dissappointing her. I'm dissappointing her by revealing myself, I guess. I'm not the sort of person to hide and betray the hopes of my peers. I must be honest in elucidating just how thorough this depression has robbed me of an ability to want.

Just as well, I've a strong inclination towards suicide. Bit of a laugh, maybe. It's only offset by the events I've got lined up. After the Chicago trip, there's nothing to look forward to.

I have to stay busy. I have to find something. Anything. I have to distract myself from the feeling of it. I don't have that in the moment, save for my wishes to finish the manuscript.

If I'm not able to distract myself... who's to say? I need my friends. I need my friends, but they aren't here. Not right now, anyway.

It's a really unserious sort of thing. It's feckless, it's cowardly. I'm not going to commit suicide, no. I'm much too prideful and competitive to allow myself the splendor of letting it all go like that, y'know.

The most awful thing I could reccomend, I think, would be solitude. I've had enough of solitude, you make your clinical analysis if you'd like. Please bother me. Please, for my own sake, bother me. Get in my way, ruin my life, waste my time... anything other than leaving me alone. I'll take whatever you've got, as long as it's living, y'know. As long as it's living, I'll let it happen.

That's how I managed to be victimized those few times. A victim no more, I'm an adult about it, as much as I can be. I don't like to call myself anything other than normal, in spite of what has happened to me. It's not unique, it's not special. Everybody's been raped, that's just normal, I guess. I'm just like everybody else. It happened to me as it meant to, I guess.

Everything is normal, now. The kids in the strip are getting bitten by rats, they're covered in sores, y'know. Kids born with white phosphorus in their system, they can't breathe right. 

Half the city doesn't even have power, anyways. Flock cameras on every block, one right outside my job. Saw an ICE fucker a few months ago. Everything is normal, now.

I can't do anything right. I try to pretend to be more resilient, but the fact I can't help my friends anymore, the fact I keep failing, it gets to me. It doesn't matter if it's not my fault. I don't care that none of that was my fault, because I'm powerless to change it by my own accord. The worst will happen. That's all I can count on, and it sickens me. I work with good people to try and create a world where that doesn't have to be true, but it always is.

This is a pestilent mindset. She deserves better. I'm not someone who needs to be fixed, I won't burden anyone but myself with the responsibility of being a grown up about the monstrosity of it all.

I look a lot better when I'm crying these days, as opposed to when I was younger. I cry fairly often during the summer, it's a real gauntlet. Summer is the most painful time of the year for me, that has never been proven wrong. I have nothing in the summer. I can only give and give and give until i'm flattened in the driveway, y'know. 

It's a season of whippings, crushed fingers, tears, and destitution. It's a season of insanity, of repititious humiliation.

It's been far too long since I've moaned and complained like this on my blog. I get tired of being above it all, y'know. I dont need to lie if I let myself get carried away on something true, if you get what I mean.

I was sitting on my bed at 3 in the morning looking at out the window, into the blue chill of the night around me. Into the beautiful sort of decay endemic to my home, y'know.

Maybe I'll learn to love these chances I'll get, to languish in that sort of peace. I'm sure I'll miss it when I'm made to suffer again, when the marauders come breaking down the doors and all.

I'm straining my arms. My grip is sweaty and weak. I'm trying my hardest to hold on, it's a thankless sort of job.

I knew a man

He sat behind a desk that was a million feet wide

But he laid down his hammer and he died

It's all me me me me me. I'm sick of it. Can there be something else? Is there something worth working towards today? 

I try and try to find the worthy stressors for my day. I gotta try a soup kitchen or a food drive or a substitute gig. None of this tripe, this tripe! 

If I can't find a substantive way to help a real person every day, I think about it. That's not a joke, not a bit. If I end my day and I didn't make anybody smile, I'm one step closer to the bridge. That sounds like, insane, I know, but you gotta understand...

I can't stand all the useless shit around me. The stuff people make me do that doesn't do any damn good. Paper pushing, shit like that. When I can pick up on the entropy, that drives me nuts. 

Carelessness. It gets to a point. A little messiness is okay. It's when it gets reckless, I can't deal with that. That sort of self interested attitude, it flips a switch when I see it.

I don't understand those people who flip out and hurt people and start fights or whatever. Like... there's something missing there, I think. You were born, right? Other people had to make you, for you to exist. From the very start, community is why you're alive. Everything that you like, everything that you know, everything that you do, is the result of community. Of others. 

Ecosystems, right?

Selfishness is an unforgivable sin. There's an extent to where people have needs, they need to survive, they need to be happy, and they can't give away their skin and bones so much, lest they die. Remembered, okay? 

But when it's not necessary. When it's just, want. That petty little kid stuff... good God.

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Im done for today. Sorry to my friends who maybe thought I was a happier sort of person, I'll be trying to change myself. Somehow. I'll see you guys soon, I'll be better off by then. My apologies to "Michelle." I've done you a disservice through these diatribes. Please, have a good one. I'll be better in mind and body when I'm away from it all.