HK Blog

Yesterday after work I messed up taking my injections, and I hit a major artery. I was bleeding so much, I managed to eventually staunch it and get a bandage. I still feel tingly and lightheaded, this has never happened before. There were two weeks before I had help taking injections where this never happened. Yesterday was the first day I went that wrong. There's a malaise of unease and disgust that has infected the air surrounding my person. I've been visiting my parents a lot in the first half of January. I love to he with my family, yeah... but I also like being around them because they seem like the only people that arent disgusted at the sight of me. I just don't understand it. I don't like being in my apartment. I wish I was an introvert, it would be easy to keep it all in. Every time I open my eyes, whenever I blink, I see news of another holocaust in the works. Maybe this is just what God wants right now. I don't get the feeling that my personality or prese...

Let me tell of you about social pageantry. I mean courtship, you know. "Talking stages," as people call it. The worst, the absolute worst. Cronkite and I like to coach each other, we commiserate the circumstances of our yearning, the outcomes of our pursuits of those that catch our eye. About as many wins as losses at this point. I know for sure I've fumbled a few diamonds, but sometimes you must know that there's only so much you can do in the realm of entertaining the tastes of someone you most likely don't know that well, right? It's like grooming a poodle for the kennel club. You're putting yourself on display, you basically having to let someone examine you like an item. And yet I feel it could be argued that the right person is likely someone you would never need to "prove yourself" to like that. The connection will be self-evident. Recently my economy of courtship has been unstable, a lot of fluctuations. Too many uncertainties, I really, ...

Two Oxygen One Hydrogen, Yeah That Sounds Right Seven Drinks In And Hepburn is the greatest album ever made

This will likely only be posted a few days after writing. I think it's better to stay committed to silence. I used to be of the feeling that, yeah, even if nobody saw it happen, that tree still fell down, right? Nah. Look at the news. Look at everything. Doesn't mean shit if we all saw the same thing. The truth has nothing to do with it anymore. If I never make an effort to be seen, I may as well have never existed. Had I not decided to eat and take a nap, I might understand this trait to be a great asset to one looking to engage in acts of political terrorism. I can be so dramatic, my goodness. I'm looking to my regular remedies, you know. I'm listening to Brian again. And a bit of Carpenters. I can close my eyes and smile in acceptance of myself. I know what this is, and I can handle it. And it feels good. It feels bizarre being able to have my own time and space to work through one of these fits of incredible grief and sadness. It used to be that I would be sexually ...

The following entry is a transcribed stream of consciousness, written for the purpose of having a documented deposition of my thoughts. It helps me to stay humble, I guess, to expose my grey matter in a safe public environment. I feel more comfortable in the presence of peers, of friends, of family. I don't do well on my own. So that's why I allow this blog to be visible to the public. I'm trying something. I've never been able to sustain this before. There's a first time for everything, though. A necessary silence. Nobody will know me, ever again. Nobody will know. I'm giving it a go. There is no drive towards organization that I can see. So instead... I'll muster something better than what I could be capable of in a healthy mindset. I choose to allow myself to be solemn. I'm gonna let myself starve today, that makes it easier. It's easier to stay focused when I'm hungry. When I'm tired. My brain doesn't put those nutrients in the right ...

I'm not busy enough. I'm writing this at work, and I know that's the case. I'm not busy enough. If I have enough time to get caught up like that, it's farcical. I've heard the right women express this as wisdom. I'm inclined to think they're correct. That's all. It's strange, cause I've got enough activity as it is. So for me to struggle with keeping my mind on what's in front of me, its indicative of a psychological snag. I'll be okay, though. Yesterday after work I walked around in the city in the cold. I like being around the noise of other people. I don't care for the silence right now. I don't. And of course I realize, good art learns to embrace silence. I guess I've got a ways to go. Aimless Maxence... I'm only blessed I never had an inclination to serve. Nah. I can be aimless my own way. Michel Legrand, you find your way into a heart with those compositions... even now I hear it. This job is so meaningless and m...

Allow me to be diaristic. If for only but a moment. I had another fruitful conversation with Remas. Being able to clarify my goals, through service towards her and Manal, is something I was knowingly prosyltized towards realizing as my path. It was instilled as a prime directive every day I spent in Church, growing up. Sometimes I wish there really were coincidences. I could stand to have some friction to push against, this balsawood foundation I'm sitting on right now is starting to embitter my conscience. I don't regret the direction. I could never take her candor for granted. I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. 66 Hail Marys, thats what I'm thinking. I got to make three different posters and print 22 copies of each. This month is when I'm gonna paint the town yellow. And I'll need to adopt a persona of arrogance, something that can incense my network towards action. You !   I know exactly what possesses somebody like you to linger. So I'll be generous, i...