HK Blog

I dunno if it matters to me, to be recognized for what I do, by anyone but those I personally cherish. While it is very much a privilege to be able to have lazy sundays... it is one understood in it's value by just about anyone. As a concept, its bigger than the day itself. Grateful for it. Frustrating day at work because the do nothing straight guys didn't know how to make memberships for over 50 people so I had to stop my lunch to do it. Sort of like an Adams-Butzel kind of day. I like working with the Black ladies, but I've had about enough of dudes. Its when there's Dad's who cant be bothered to sign their kids up or remember their kids' birthdays. I've never once in my life seen a Mom at work who didn't know her kid's birthdays. Men are sort of the same no matter where you go, it feels like.

I was able to eat today, so that's good. Just a little bit. Nothing profound or morose between the folds right now. It's all just being filled with song. All I can muster. I wish I could message Bryan, I finally found those Educated Youth . And I am NOT of their number, let me tell you. Oh, that would be just a bit too sickly, as the critic could say. I'm not going to allow myself the opportunity to fall into the same feeling. In this setting of bitterness, I invite a sensation of "invention." I have to write, and I will be piecing together visuals. I want my... I want my MTV... That's all the kids like, let's be serious. Water drippings from the storefront awnings, flashy signs in the untouchable city, the section I find myself wanting to lie down in once again. That's all they like. For the first time, I actually think I understand Peaceful Night in the fuller sense. It's really something that never happens anymore. I wish I could skip back to th...

"No more numbers. No more numbers. No more aspiration. It's over with. We're done with the game of it. People make it happen in spite of it, that'll have to be the drive, won't it? I can make it to 27. I might go past it juat a bit. By then I'm hoping I am not remembered, so then it can be easy. I have to leave the organization. I have to leave everything. Everything. Every single person, every single plan. No more spinning plates. My songs will not be for the community. Not anymore. My songs will not be available to anyone but myself and myself only." Depression is a biological imbalance that will stay with me the rest of my life. It is in states like these where I do two things. Firstly, I pray to God to give me the necessary weights around my heart to keep myself down from the hanging post. Secondly, I write. I write and I write and I write. I write everything down. Every single suicidal thought and action, every single piece of hatred and loathing, it...

  I am blind, and you are ugly It's so easy to want you Hard to exaggerate this, y'know. I gotta head down to an unknown feeling again, real soon, sooner than I'd normally like, I think. Comfort zones totally zapped, that's what I'm thinking. Zahr has started to reveal to me more about her aspirations, more about her "Organon." I wish there was more I could do for her. For all the girls, y'know, I wish I could just take the reigns of the world and make a better future happen overnight. I gotta heed that lesson again, Tomino could never steer me right I guess. I'm doing good, is what's so funny about it. I'm not suffering at all. And let me tell you, my mind is still on the most dangerous figure. I can't stop thinking about a future with one of these angels, right, it's downright twisted. There's a version of this journey that involves long lasting friendships, uncorrupted by this sort of speculation, yeah. But I'm finding th...

Am I box office poison? Can't get booked, maybe the politics is off putting to the clubs. I remember telling my friends how big Tel-Aviv is in the international IDM scene. Frustrating. There really are two different Electronic Music worlds, divided by Zionism. -------------------------------------------- It's been a while since I discussed the next topic on this blog. If you don't like reading/talking about sexual stuff, scroll ahead. I am starting to feel as if I need to be a lot sluttier. For the sake of my sanity, I gotta get cracked by the end of this month, somehow. Cronkite told me I need be willing to indulge in a bit of "unethical" fun while I'm in my twenties. That I've been a bit too puritanical in my approach towards certain social "niceties," y'know? Like, I don't pursue anyone that I find out is in a relationship. I never initiate touch contact without the explicit consent of the other person. This has sometimes been detrimen...

I'm in a good mood today. I dunno if I've got the literary sense today, which only makes it more curious that I decided to blog again. But it was just my imagination Runnin' away with me It was just my imagination Runnin' away with me... It's a Motown sorta day. I've been entangled in a sort of divine social phenomena, y'know. Creatures of unknowable beauty grace my presence so often these days, it's something I fear I'll never learn to catalogue as anything but a mystery. In her earnestness she revealed to me a purity of motive, and an honesty in her resolve. "Be optimistic." You can believe I felt like a real jackass. Why does she bother, why does she want to hear from me? I'll never figure what kind of light I might bring into the lives of my peers. And I'm not sure what I ever did to convince myself I was less than worthy of love. Once again I'm pulled back into the safety of the quiet storm, Christ. What I've learned of...

It's driving me crazy, but I've become accustomed to the feeling of it. I'm closing my eyes and thinking of boring shit. I don't want to think about this kind of stuff anymore. It's a really childish and underdeveloped thing to care about. I don't wanna hear about what I deserve. I concern myself with being kind to others. I can't. I can't let myself get comfortable again. That's when it happens. It happens when I let my guard down. It won't happen again. I recently found myself in a dreadful situation earlier in the month, y'know? I couldn't get comfortable around a nice person, and I feel like I let them down. They liked me at the time, but I was just so terrified of making him uncomfortable that I think I came off as dispassionate and sterile.  I kept getting up in the night to calm myself down from panicking. I felt safe around them, but I didn't feel safe with myself. I was kinda put in a scenario where I should have loosened up....