It was a privilege to spend those hours with my family this holiday. There is so much love; there is so much right about seeing their smiling faces. I didn't want it to end. I think thats part of what's wrong with me.
It was a privilege to hear from my beloved today. I learn so much from hearing them talk. From our conversations, I gain clarity about everything. Even in difficult moments I feel comfort in their presence. It's been a rough week, but I wouldn't spend it with anyone else.
Except, I do think I've been craving some things I haven't earned, some things that maybe I shouldn't have right now.
I feel like I have anxious-attatchment problems, I think thats what the other zoomers are calling it online. There are thinkpieces I could write, but I'd rather not do that.
I don't know the inner lives of anyone I would like to think I hold dear. I know its probably a better thing to be less attached, to know less about my loved ones than would be uncouth. But I dunno. I feel ugly inside for wanting to feel connected.
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