I got my teeth cleaned today. I understand why people are afraid of the dentist, but I've never been able to relate to it. I've grown a little accustomed to the discomfort, maybe its a pathological thing. I find, as my gums are being poked and prodded, bleeding and everything, it's easy to sit through if I focus on the pain. I anticipate it, I guess. Not really a challenge if I teach myself to like it. When life gets too difficult, I teach myself to enjoy the more distasteful and bitter stuff, so that I walk through it easier. I can taste the iron flavor on my teeth right now, my mouth is so dry. Sometimes I think, I should be more comfortable with feeling gross. I used to be good at that, but I realized it's kind of a cop-out. Choosing to embrace a feeling of shittiness to mask how insecure I feel about not being able to keep up with the best. It appears in everything I am these days.
Right now, as I write, I'm hearing Won't Do by J Dilla. Nobody made being an asshole feel so slick before. His work with Slum Village cemented that, they're just horndog socialite townies on the tracks. I kinda love it. Shame that he went so young.
I feel better when I can fixate on special interests, of course I do. I've become really predictable, I have a shtick. I feel like by the second time anybody sees me, they've had enough. I can see it on their faces, it's useful to know.
I've been really enamored with the 70s, how sickly and loose it's been reified to be. Maybe that's me that thinks that way, though. I don't know. I like the idea that, in the US at least, the 70s was a decade of failure and stagnation. It's comforting to think that we've been here before, in a certain sense. There was a failure to build upon the work of the Civil Rights Movement, a regression into conversative dogmatism with the Nixon administration. Democrats loyalty to expanding the war in Vietnam at the chagrin of the youth was their death knell for years. The gas crisis permanently set back the economic highrolling stimulated by the US Auto Industry. People are getting out, they're protesting, some are even participating in high profile murders, but it's not doing anything. All of these things, it feels familiar.
Now, at this point of writing, I'm listening to Oxygen by Swans again. SKIIIIN TIIIIGHT! OHHHH NOOOOOOOO!!!!
I love this song man. I like the other Swans I've heard, but this is still the best to me. It's a real car crash, it's been a minute since I could make noise like that. I'd give anything to hear it live.
It turned to Flashlight by Parliament. I love hearing this on the Lodge, it kinda makes get a little lazy. Like I worry I'm gonna get in an accident with the way this song backslides. This is one of those songs I like to dance to. I've been hearing this song since I was a zygote, since I was little in the backseat of my Mom's car. It reminds me of turning onto Outer Drive. It reminds me of the building with the donkey statue.
All these songs are songs by dudes though, is the thing. When I get in certain moods, I think of myself less as myself, and more like the maladaptive daydreams I write about every now and again. Flash Light is so loose, it's just below the midriff. It's real "Angelica." Oxygen is really congested, really angry. It's a shock that hits the floor and runs up your wrist. It's really "Ricky."
Won't Do is rolling down the windows a little, it's really late. It's friends, it's money for slots and asking your buddy about how Heroin feels. It's like voyeurism. It's real "Buddy."
This is just how it works in my head. Right now I'm hearing Fame, that's really "Angie," but it it's got a hint of "Buddy," in there. Buddy is who I wish I knew sometimes. In the manuscript, I've made her a little antagonistic, which I think is fitting cause I make her hang out with that little shrimp Red.
Red is the best of em, he's really honest, really boring. He's kind of who I hate to be. If I could describe him, he's I Saw the Light by Todd Rundgren. I'm listening to that one right now, I love this song. I really wish I could still sing. Every time I sing these days I just get sad, it makes me feel bad when I have too much fun with it.
"In my eeeeeeeeyes, in my eeeeeeeeeeeeyes, in my eeeeeeeeeeeeyes, in my eeeeeeeeeeeeyes..."
I had fun writing this entry, I'll try to keep up with this.
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