I have to tell you, man... I thought I was doing better. I really did. Today really pulled me back to same feeling.
Yesterday was MayDay in Detroit. That, was a very good day, despite what it did to my legs. No two ways about it, 3 miles will hurt my feet regardless, and pushing a wheelchair makes everything hurt. It was a good day, though. I feel good when I feel like I'm participating in something that matters. I think thats a psychological holdover of my upbringing, I come from a Christian family, a protestant family. Maybe it's a bit of a weakness, I dunno. But I felt good commemorating something like May Day. I felt better seeing all the keffiyehs and Palestine flags.
Today isn't as good. I saw a good movie today, but it was illuminating in ways that kind of soured my peace. It's made me question my feelings. It was a good film, for that reason.
But it wasn't just the movie, is the thing. I don't like being perceived sexually right now. It just doesn't feel right.
And cause of all of this, I feel ugly again. My thoughts are uncharacteristic. I've been seeing myself in the mirror and seeing something hideous, but it's just not me. I don't know what I'm looking at today.
There are decisions I have to make right now that I'm avoiding making, cause I have too many people that depend on me to not make a peep. I have a headache and I'm sitting in bed. My head hurt the same way on the best day of my life. Maybe that means something. A genteel voice says to me, that I shouldn't think I've disappointed my parents, that the people in my life are proud of me. But that voice is not my own. The voice that tells me that these people, who I really wanna stick around, are getting tired of all my nothingness, is my own voice.
I started writing down what I was feeling cause I mixed up two entirely different suggestions from a friend and ended imitating LiveJournal. I wanna thank 'em for the idea, it's worked wonders. The ideas are flowing again, music wise. It's like a faucet now, I can't turn it off. Y'know sometimes I think I annoy people with this music shit, maybe that's true. But I dunno, I get obsessed a lot.
That damn movie. I saw that Bob Dylan movie today, and yknow what? It reminded me of them. How could it not?
Still not over it! See you next week.
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