Frontloading
Update on what I look like! I've gotten... REALLY skinny. Maybe I'm just used to being unsuitable for swimwear modeling.
That picture of me in the red coat... I look like a fucking gremlin. God. No wonder my parents wanted to kick me out.
My neck still does that and I'm deciding it is not good to have body dysmorphia so I will be Ignoring. It.
Last thing:
I'm saving up to get my hair did. I WILL (spelled double you eye ell ell) post face when that happens.
Let's be adults.
But enough about yesterday...
Here's the main event:
The Meat
You see a face you think you know, and you see what wasn't there before.
There are times where I'll see smile lines. I'll see light, so warm and beautiful. I'll hear buoyancy in their gait of speech.
Sometimes, I'll see strength in the face of my loved ones. The power to adjust, to persevere, and to accept. It manifests in squints, in wryness, in a listening ear. Marks of commonality, at least to me. It is good to see that sort of humanity. It is important we recognize each other's strength.
I worry for those I meet that wear a face of fear, of shame. It's when they turn away, when they abridge their earnestness. It's when they retreat to a vice, that I can feel there's something wrong. I see it in their eyes. I see the way they look at the ground. Shame can often present itself with masks, with fronts. It's a natural instinct to lie. It's a human desire, really, to want a better image. It's not typical to want to be so naked in front of others.
I've been less than regulated in my emotions, lately. Turbulence, inside and out. They never properly state how quickly mood can become affected by hormones. You know, I've been drinking a lot this last week, right? Not good for the liver, not good for the kidneys.
You know where I am, right now? I've got this cat with their tail directly in my face.
I would never tell a lie, here's a picture receipt for all of you.
Maybe I should be honest with you all. I've become concerned I've become worried. I feel that I've lost a friend. I feel that I do not know them anymore. I feel that I've betrayed myself, in feeling that I deserved to be closer to them than they were ever willing. It's a sick sort of feeling, you know. Feeling as if you've misjudged your worth. Feeling like a sort of villain when asking for their ear.
That new movie with Tim Robinson was about this. Friendship. That movie was funny as fuck... but it scared me straight. I was being really conceited, really sappy and dense. I was thinking, "Oh my God... is this what I seem like, to him?"
It almost made me think, that I should have never thought about him at all. That I never deserved to entitle myself to their presence.
It knocked all of the optimism right out of me.
Recently, I've hosted a little kickback for my birthday. The "Free Beer Birthday!"
It was everything and more! It was exactly how I expected, exactly what would hit the spot. I didn't concern myself with "Who's gonna come, who's not gonna come" any day except the day of. I guess my wisdom timed out. I guess I've got a long way to go, Jesus.
Seeing my family and friends, it made everything worth it, at least for a little while. I'm smart enough to know myself... I'm smart enough to know that the sickness will come back. I guess this time, I'm ready for it. I know what it is, but not only that: I can control how I react to it.
I've decided that I'll start by being more comfortable being without. I'll start by learning to let go. I'm a big collector, you know. It's a horrid little instinct. I can't try to treat people like that, it's not right.
I guess this isn't very entertaining post. I think thats okay, I've had fun writing it.
If you ever want to talk, just talk to me. I'll never say no a friend.
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