I'm watching Midnight Cowboy. Excellent flick. Its another pervert movie. First Blue Velvet, and now this. They say faggot a lot in the movie, its a little funny now. I guess I'm one of them now, anyway. They only ever called me that one time, and they were right. I always put my heart in the wrong places with who I pine after. I keep wanting to just find a way, but I know what guys like. It's not me. It has never been me.
I feel like I didn't get a chance to really know that world. I missed it all. I'm still learning, about cleaning out, and how I keep up tidy for the right guy. Douching sounds like so much work. It's a bit embarrassing to even talk about it, but I don't really want to bottom. I kind of like being a giver, if you can believe it. If youuu, cannnnn, believe it!
It's Monday.
And I'm so glad I talked about it, on Primetime. The cigarettes, yknow.
I've been a good guy for so long, people always tell me that I do good. I don't think they mean that. They don't treat me like somebody they respect, somebody they admire. Its so easy to tell the difference, because I can see their idols every day. It's not easy trying to make my parents proud. It's suicide trying to make Jesus proud.
I want to be able to really stretch out and let the weirdos pull me apart, but I can't do that. There are so many wonderful people that depend on me. That'll happen to you when you hate yourself sometimes, y'know. You let your responsibilities kill your spirit. It's the worst.
I love them all. I don't wanna let em down. My coworkers, all the ones I've had. The pharmacy, the center, the paper. All of them. I see so much light in their eyes. I see God in every one of them.
I don't see him in me. I don't think I like God's image very much. I keep wanting everything wrong for myself, I can't keep wanting this. It's killing me, man.
They put everything in this movie, all these movies. They put that little shame, that beautiful little want.
Everything is so loose for those that are throwing their truth around.
I just wish they loved me too. I want to be part of their world. But I gotta give up so much. I gotta kill my body, let all the right stuff step all over my mind.
I gotta smoke the right stuff, I gotta stop talking. I gotta let them do what they want with me, and I gotta smile about it. And I'm smiling, every day I'm smiling.
I miss em all too much. Its not okay, its not healthy. I want em all. I don't care if they don't love me back, or if they love me at all. I think I know they dont. I just want them to use me anyways.
I keep thinking I shouldn't be so stark about it. Maybe it was wrong to be so naked there. I apologize.
I gotta stop watching these movies, I gotta get my head on straight. I gotta let myself stay straight and narrow. My family doesn't believe in me anymore. They're always trying to drill man, man, man into my head. Telling me about how I'm masculine. Im this kind of man, that kind of man.
They're doing it on purpose. They think they can kill that part of me. They love the idea they can move me back to the TV. That they can put me in the sitcom again. They don't like who I really am, they're ashamed of me. And they would never admit it.
I think maybe I should let 'em win. But I remember my friends. I love my friends more than air and water. More than taste, more than sight. More than anything. I'd give anything to see their smiling faces one more time. I want to hear them laugh while we're walking down the street. I want to see their eyes widen when I tell em a story. I want to be what they deserve. I wish somebody loved me.
I'm sorry guys. I was crying when I wrote this one. This is genuine, this is honesty. I put this on my mother. On the very spirit of my being, I will not lie to you. I think about never seeing my friends again, and I cry. I keep trying not to get sad, but it's not fake. Its not wallowing, its real. It's outside.
I remember when I would do it, when I was still committed, I was doing it for them. I wanted to make them happy. To hear their voice letting go, to see their smile. To hug and embrace. And I look in the mirror, and I'm so ugly now. Cause they don't tell me that I'm beautiful anymore. They shouldn't, we made the right decision. It's not their fault. It doesn't matter what I am, I just...
I had one day where I was beautiful. I was at work. I had the white button up, I wore it all slutty and stuff. My hair was perfect. My makeup, perfect. I let myself do it all. I was a real fag that day. I was me again. And I was gorgeous. It was so wonderful, I wanted to buy a real camera. I wanted to let somebody harmful catch me. I helped the kids learn, I met new people. I remember she walked to me, and she thanked me. She said I did good. She said I was good for the kids. I wanted to cry. I remember when I was talking to the college people at the event, about the itinerary. About the planning. They were all listening to me they all looked and talked and they were so nice. They liked me. They actually liked me.
I wonder, do you read this? Am I scaring you? Did I do it? Did I push you away?
I think maybe it's better if I did, but I don't want to do that. I wish I was a friend you deserved. I wish... I wish I was who you thought I was. I really did. I wish I was the kind of strange that could make you smile again. I know it doesn't help to talk about it, but I can't, y'know? I keep journaling, but it doesn't go anywhere. It doesn't feel honest if I don't alienate the ones I love about it, that's a laugh.
I still miss you all. And I'll figure it out, I promise. I'm gonna get the medication, I'm gonna get straight laced. I'm gonna be okay some day. I'm gonna okay, and I can finally be somebody worth loving. I promise.
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