You would think I swore at his mother, the way he carries himself around me. Everyday it's another little nitpick, another sliver of a chance to judge. He doesn't care at all, what a guy. One of these days he's gonna extend my probation or fire me, either one.
Maybe I'll be like him when I'm older. If that is the case, you've got to come kill me. That's a clone.
In working on this project, y'know... I'm more selective with the final cut this time. I'm choosing to be as shrewd as I can be about it. A couple demos in and there's still only one track I'm satisfied with, and I'm not mad about it. Leg doesn't sound like the version I put on Instagram a few days ago, I moved into a better direction. It's pocket lint for Brian Eno; I'm moving back into the better portion of my influences. What helped me for a few years was a sense of competition, a sense of pride in knowing I have peers to look up to. Every artist I meet becomes a new surface to draw upon. I try not to take any direct influence, but there is part of me that does want to look at what they do, and I think to myself, I've got to make something that'll really wow them. I've got to make this creative proud.
Meredith is so prolific, and so talented. Every day it's a new venture for Lil Demon 2008. That's the production label they've opened up; they've got a ton of acts already crusading under their banner. I keep thinking maybe I should take up their advice, maybe I should link up with them. It's been rolling around in my head for a few months now. It's something nice to distract myself from how much I'm not liking my current gig anymore.
The problem is that I've gotta stick around until the end of this session. I'm thinking that'll be how far the ruse goes, but I'm getting another cynicism. I don't think my buddies will remember me if I stay underground for that long. It's thoughts like that, you know. That's what makes me crazy.
It's such a funny sort of doublethink. None of my friends have to prove anything to be worth the world to me, but I have a hard time believing anyone could feel that way about myself. It just seems impossible in my mind. There is such an assuredness, a sort of play belief I can't shake that I've done too much, that I've soured my personhood. I guess the immature part of my mind tells itself that a lack of expedience in validation confirms every fear sitting in the bottom of my heart. It's so easy to feel insecure these days.
How do you do anything interesting these days? How do you pull people in? It's caustic to think about, I know so little about people. I know nothing about these folks. I took one day off and I'm already moving back into the same jive. "Not this time," is what I'm working through. I'm gonna up-end my entire work cycle with this project, I'm counting on it. More face, more voice, more persona. More persona, that's the idea.
I wasn't myself for a long time, you know. There was a lot of vulnerability I had to sneak into Primetime, because I wasn't in a situation where it was safe to bear my soul like that, especially on a record. I didn't put Primetime on streaming, you know. I think that was the right call to make at the time, but I might reconsider now. What I've got to figure out... what app does she use? Let's not fall into old habits.
You know, what was really troubling about yesterday was that I actually wrote lyrics. For two different songs. Yikes! I'm moving back into that world again, folks. I shouldn't have listened to Fiona Apple while I was on the road. I wrote and recorded lyrics for Leg too, now that I'm thinking about it.
Is this what I'm becoming? The techno is leaving my body... this is the end. Jeff Mills, I am sending you a psychic message via Newtype Minovsky radiation... you have to kill me. I have been cloned and replaced with a person who buys $65 Patti Smith gallery books on their day off. I let Destroy All Monsters beat me, Juan Atkins. Kevin Saunderson if you see me at TV or some shit you have GOT to blow my head off.
I was just in Windsor recently, too. Richie Hawtin is not safe from my brain poisoning. This joke implies I have even a sliver of a chance of ever meeting these people. The statistical likelihood that I have not only seen them in public, but have actually served them in some capacity at work is slim, but not impossible.
My hands are so filthy that my nails have a sort of maroon color instead of the intended red apple look. If I remember today, I'll include a picture of my nails to prove I'm not just being dramatic to pad the word count.
Today, the parents have come to register their kids for the Ice Skating program. So many kind faces today, it is... so helpful. This is what makes work bearable. That stickler wouldn't understand, paper pusher like that. I think he's homophobic, but I can't prove it yet. I'm gonna figure out a way to know. I'll get to the bottom of it eventually. The warning signs are mostly in his composure, his body language. The differences in how he talks to me versus some of my peers sticks out to me, I dunno.
Y'know what got stuck in my head? Rack of His. Fiona Apple is just too talented, it's not even fair. I think I understand _____ now, she was so real to make her transition goals. I'm thinking of working in the vein of Fetch the Boltcutters a bit on this project. A lot of that project has influenced what I'm looking to do with this one, especially with the subject matter. I'm learning that The Dreaming by Katherine Baldpussy Kate Bush was also an influence on her when she was doing FTBC, so that let's me know that OCD as a psychological epidemic is alive and well.
I will admit to you, I'm writing this post as stimulation to keep myself busy at work whilst still looking productive. I can't even listen to music anymore, gross! There was a brief period where bro wouldn't even let me write during a dead shift, ludicrous decisions man. He's mad that I called off yesterday, he's such a stickler cynic sort of guy. He acts like the building is gonna blow up if I'm not glued to the seat.
There's that sort of conventional wisdom that you shouldn't be too good at your job. You might just welcome abuse into your work-life balance if they think they can pull one over on you. I'm not that sort of worker, believe that. You won't see me do anything more than is necessary, I've no shame about it. If it was a creative gig I might actually give a shit, but I lost my window of opportunity to have that.
I guess I neglected to mention one of the biggest reasons I've had such a hard downswing. My program was cancelled, everyone. The beat-making class just isn't happening; IT couldn't get back with an estimate on financing it. All I've got now is the Film Club and Anime Club. I was really looking forward to doing something good for the kids, man. That's, like, kind of the only reason I even took an offer on this job. I think I might have mentioned it, but if I couldn't get a gig going, there were some harmful career opportunities I was gonna look into as a means of getting by. I'm thinking I won't look towards that world any more than I have to... but I've been ideating about things that could never be. The show bar shuttered operations, what a disappointment. They don't ever have good Burlesque's happening when it's convenient for me.
"Shameika said I had potential," curse the muses for gifting her such a superior songwriting capability. I'll have that in my head for another 3 years; this is just like 2020.
This is just like 2020. Wait a minute.
And how much political stuff have I been doing lately... ohh. It's the same. It's all a cycle, family. Think about it... it's so stupid!
I think I look non-ugly today and yesterday, but there was some doubt on Sunday. That was... not the best day of my life, y'know.
I want to end this entry so it's not too overlong, but I dunno... I'm gonna be at work for a long time. Let me try to shake off the cobwebs a little, write a little more.
Let me explain what the meaning of the title Hepburn is about.
There is a double meaning in the title. The first meaning relates to a man named James Curtis Hepburn. He was a Presbyterian Missionary who created the modern Romanized syllables for Japanese to English translation. The idea here is that this album is using an entirely different design language, both visually and sonically, than what I've done before. I'm teaching myself how to create in ways I typically don't bother with. It's a new translation (wink, wink).
Side note: Two compliments on my nails at work. I mandatorily will have to post them now.
The other meaning of Hepburn is pretty obvious, and is most likely what most regular people will reasonably assume it is named after. Audrey Hepburn was in a lot of classics, but the one I keep going back to in my mind was Breakfast at Tiffany's.
Oh, the desperation of that story. The shamelessness of it. I am a bad person for envying those two.
That's the other side of Hepburn. Movies influence my work more than anything else... until this album. Now I'm motivated by frustration, by (blegh!) "Yearning."
It's the vainest project I've ever worked on, and that's saying a lot. I did make The Modern Prometheus, after all. That was the one with the distorted picture of Anne Hathaway on the cover.
I think that I can end this entry now. To all of those who read... thank you. Thank you for enduring my back pain through the medium of blogging. I thank you.
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