10/11/25 - (I went crazy while writing) Cantinflas

Right now I'm on the couch at Big Pink thinking about Kate Bush. I did my nails in the car, yknow. Solid job. You gotta understand that The Dreaming is tungsten, diamond. The heart of star, a bozon, a quark. It will never leave you.

The club is not the right place to write, but it's why I come in early. For me, its essential. I need something loud to put me in the space of the now. It helps me think about what I really need to be.

I come to find that I'm the sickest bitch in the fucking world. In the entire fucking world. It's not in my nature to typically regard myself in high esteem, but there is a truth of my personhood I find it difficult to deny. I am everything I wished I could be when I was younger. It's something really unique to find yourself atop the hill. Knowing my worth has put me in a state of caution. I can't let this feeling turn into narcissism, I can't let myself get distracted from the mission of culture and kindness.

My mission isn't fuckability anymore. It's to intimidate. It's to inform those who see me, that I can be a cut above. Vanity is so delectable, it is soooooo fun.

Why would I go where I know I'll be noticed? Where I could spread a psychological smallpox? I'll hit Chicago... eventually. Maybe on Holiday. And before  then, in might take the train back up to Ann Arbor. Next year, early next year, my eye is on New York. It has to be New York. After that, it's nowhere in America. It might be backpacking. We can start in Mexico and work down. We can start in Jordan and hitchhike over, another time.

The spirit is good, right now. The drink is doing the Lord's saliency, the good work of the lay.

It puts me in the mood to interrogate. To have a little fun with the fear of it, yknow? 

My character has taken a shape and color beyond the Aviators. It's always the eyes, now.

This sky... this sky is so beautiful. The perfect nothing... an ocean of grey.

Sometimes I think about how incredible at vomiting my friends are. Whenever we drink, yknow... they can just turn to the side, drop a river in the grass, and keep walking. I don't ever throw up when I'm drunk. I hold it all too well.

Im so ugly and unpassable, I love the niche the lord has created for me. I ignore the eyes in the club because I know there is nothing I should seize. Couple gorgeous people kept trying to get me into their thing and I was sort of horrified of the memory of being assaulted so I just pretended I didnt see them.

It is your mission... to finally kill me. To put a stop to the aberration. Do it not for yourself, but for those you love. Remember love, and in that rememberence, know what it is I lack. I should have never met any of you, you're so far beyond me. This stewing its soooo... fun. This is fun.

Because I'm not. Why can't I get out of my head?
Experiment is done. I know the answer.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
I MADE IT HOME
I FOUND THE ANSWER
I FOUND THE ANSWER LAYING ON THE GROUND, SOAKED IN THE SOUND OF SUICIDE
I FOUND THE ANSWER

I AM NAMELESS... AND I HAVE NO LOVE. I HAVE NO ONE. I WILL NEVER BE SEEN BY THE LIGHT OF DAY EVER AGAIN.

Big Pink loves you... it tries so hard. But I've lost my mind. I can never go outside ever again. I close my eyes and I hear screaming and viscera. I hear the sound of me being butchered alive by everyone ive made the mistake of loving.
Big Pink doesn't love me. Big Pink wishes that I hung myself when I had the chance, all those years ago in the dorms all alone.

Everyone is so beautiful... to be beautiful is to step on the road paved with the corpses of everyone who slip through the cracks. Those of us who should have never had a place amongst the beautiful people.

I'll sleep it off, yknow. This was a fun experiment. I've experienced suicidal hatred and depression in ways I never have before tonight. I'm learning new ways to cry. It was sooooo worth it.

I'm not going to say, I'll see you guys soon. I know I won't. The last time we saw each other is the last time we will ever see each other.


Im just going to stop trying. Im going to stop trying to pretend... that I can matter to somebody again. I'm finally going to let myself die in the eyes of God. I won't feel for another day. I will wake up tommorow, and there won't be a Gabe anymore. It will just be my body. I'll never have to pretend that I am loved again.

Maybe ill forget all of this by Monday. I hope i have nothing to forget. I hope that my entire life was a bad dream... that nobody ever had to know me. The world would be so beautiful if there was never a me in it.

Its all just a bad dream... its all just a bad dream...

A bad dream...

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