Today has been a good day so far. I visited a friend today, and I met another friend in the process. Every moment I walk awake, I crave the next time I can have conversation. It is the only thing I look for in anyone, in anything. And I know when I've lost that sort of blessing. I never look the right way at people when they look at me.
Right now, I'm cold, and tired. I am waiting to bid on a piece for a good cause. And I haven't eaten anything but graham crackers today. There was a kind, beautiful lady who shared her socials with me today. I didn't give her the right look when she waved at me. I was too cold and sore to smile, and I should have forced myself to smile.
I don't feel like eating today. Everything is going well today. And that's why I cannot indulge. I have to seal away these blessings. I have to.
My glycolic levels have waned to an extent where I can entertain my conniptions again. And yet in spite of all of this... I am not unhappy. I am not depressed. I'm exactly where I want to be. It's a very functional sort of depression.
It's where I can feel my eyeballs moving in my head. I used to feel like this every day in college. It's been a while.
I am not in hell. I am not in danger. I am quite alright. But I am cold, and I am alone.
I hope nobody notices me today. I already had a great outing of conversation and socializing. I think I'm exhausted for today. I can't leave, though.
The organizers, they don't know which piece it is. I have to guess. I'll try to know.
I cannot find what I seek. But I have gained so much in spite of that.
God is blessing me. I'm praying.
The next day has come. Life begins anew.
The cards were purchased before I could ever set foot in the building. That is so wonderful to hear, the work was loved.
Today I begin my tenure at a new facility, a bizarre sort of blow-up athletic tent, called the Chandler Park Fieldhouse. It is not at all like the Adams-Butzel Complex, not at all. For that I have mixed feelings towards the subject. The staff here seems to not care that much about the day-to-day a whole lot. They simply acknowledged that I am working here now and didn't have much else to say about it. I'm writing this entry at the front desk and there really is so little that is actually transpiring here today. There will be lacrosse later, though.
I cannot deny my nature. I love lacrosse.
This facility seems like a better place to focus on writing.
Let me share a passage of this manuscript.
I felt in my heart that I'd seen this woman before, somehow.
They say that a mother can recognize her child by the sound of their breath. They never talk about what the kid knows.
Even if I didn't know it, I could feel who she was from a galaxy away. Even if I'd never seen her before.
No reason for sharing.
Can I tell you that this new Danny Brown album is fucking phenomenal? I can tell you that this new Danny Brown is fucking phenomenal.
Can I admit something? I'm only just listening to Heavy Metal by Cameron Winter. I hadn't heard of Geese till this year. Guy is the same age as me. I didn't think there were other folks who really got it. I feel like a fraud for missing this one. This guy even likes Nausicaä. I'm gonna shoot myself in the kidney.
Today is the day we found out that Adrielle Helena Gabriel Daniel Gamlin was a fraud hack.
Nah, I'm just playing. I'm just kidding.
But seriously though... it's important to me that I'm getting back into the new generation's stuff. I'm actually listening to music made by people my age. That sounds like a weird thing to "accomplish" but you gotta understand, when I'm feeling terrible, I can't stand the new sounds. I couldn't tell you the science behind it, because the new sounds are good. But they're new, they're not like a comfort blanket. They're forcing me to take in the news and the harshness of the wind, y'know. It's not easy to grieve when I'm walking up a mountain. I need to sit down for a minute. So for a large part of the year, I indulged in the classics. I really loved the warmth of the stuff I could grasp on the first try.
But I've been walking back with the crowd lately. I'm at the club again, I'm keeping up with the new stuff. I'm hearing their innovations, I'm understanding their contentions. I'm realizing that the charts aren't giving the real countercultures a chance. In Detroit we're all wanting to dance, it smells like. I've learned to love that again.
When I was making Girltype, I was feeling really cynical and jaded. I didn't want anything to do with fun, I didn't want anything to do with satisfying people. I wanted to let the grey matter seep out through my pores and make my appearance as ugly as I wanted. HKEP was a total opposite. I was focusing on fun, it was thinking, I've got to smile. I've got to smile. I've got to do something that reminds me of my friends and my loved ones. Something that touches their fancy.
I don't really know what HKGHT was, in my mind. It got away from me. It's the most cynical thing I've ever made. Had it not turned out as good as it did, I would feel tempted to wipe it from the canon of Ha1f King. Even if Ha1f King is taking a backseat to my chosen name, I feel that it's still part of my artistic identity.
I don't want to say the name of this album I'm working on because I'm tired of reading that name. Let's call it her first name insteas. Let's call it "Audrey."
Audrey is a project motivated by a need to hear something different from myself, go hear something different in the world. I wanted music that touched on a feeling I don't get from a lot of things anymore. I picked the name cause of that movie she was in, I spoke about this before. Breakfast at Tiffany's, yknow.
My concern with the direction of Audrey is that it's too focused on that warmth I was talking about. Everything is being cleaned and monitored and critiqued in my head so harshly. I'm getting to the extent where I'm moving like Steve Albini, except I don't hate Black people like he did.
Let me skip over that or whatever.
But listening to Heavy Metal is giving me some hope. It's giving me the strength I need to work on Silver Bells. We're doing a cover of Silver Bells by Dean Martin, specifically meant to be a cruel satirical cover. In the track I'll be splicing in bits and pieces of the voices of Palestinians, Africans, friends and family. It's either gonna be the album closer or the middle track. You'll get it when you hear it.
I only got maybe two more songs to fully produce on this project before I look for vocalists and ISRC shit. I gotta finish Tips for Judy. And I gotta finish the album opener. The opener is gonna be reheating some Die Geier nachos. Die Geier is the most in my own bag I've ever been. I'll never downplay Die Geier.
The opener is just me talking. This is also kind of like Gremlin on Firebird Formula. I feel like, whether it turns out good or not, I just wanna talk to you guys. I never get to talk to you guys anymore, and I'm honestly not enjoying being nonchalant. So it'll be a little nonchalance for this work.
It's just gonna be a me song. It's not gonna be trying to sound like anything but what's in my heart. I hope that when "Audrey" releases, you guys can connect with it and enjoy it. I know that my music is usually kind of weird and embarrassing to listen to and unapproachable. With this project I'm putting forth an ultimatum. You either get me or you don't.
But I love you guys. I know shouldn't say that, that's not a statement made in moderation. But I feel like you should know that I mean it. Even if I shouldn't. I'm just tired of being nonchalant and detached and cool about everything. I wish I had the answer on how to make it easier. But I don't have the answer yet. I'm still looking.
Hopefully I can look with some of you guys soon.
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