11/17/25 - 99 Luftballons

Some people are simply not right in the head. They are simply too immature and hopelessly romantic to handle the idea of having someone's trust in their hands.

I am definitely one of those people, good Lord.

It was obvious I was wrong when it became apparent that she'd never make that trip down just to talk to me. That's when I knew I was off the mark with how she felt. What a hopeless sod I am, I even told her, I'm down to head up there whenever. And I meant that.

If I could be a bitch for minute?

I made a reckless, careless decision yesterday, and I don't regret it. 

I confessed my feelings to Titania, over text. What a screw-up I've been, and yet... I feel like, whether it goes well or not, I finally let the truth have it's day.

I finally ruined a friendship. I've never done this before. I don't think I've ever felt this way about anyone before.

She'll likely bring the hammer down at some point, cause I have NOT gone about talking about it very well at all. I basically know nothing about her, and maybe I shouldn't ever get to know. It's not feeling like a sad thing to me yet, yknow?

One thing that always confused me was, why does Titania still talk to me? Why does she still put up with me? She knows its her I write about. She knows all these songs are about her. I bet she even reads this blog. She probably knows everything about what's in my head, right?

She knows. She always knew, I feel like. So I'll never know why she still cared when she knew I was lying.

The meekest part of me believes she might care about me too, but I honestly cannot believe the way a crush makes me think and act. So I decided I'll get rid of the act. Just let it go how God wants it to go. That was the idea.

You all know I had another breakdown, they're about as regular as rain these days. But I get back up every time, every single time. I've been neutral, I've been admired, I've been a victim, I've been a nuisance. I'm feeling like I'm ready to get shot in the chest.

Let me tell you what I mean. I've given Titania every reason to dislike me. Not a single part of me feels entitled to her time, and if she wants to sic the dogs on me, I'd almost welcome it. I've learned that I like closure more than comfort.

If she is a regular reader of this public diary of mine, all the more reason she has to hate me. A good man would be honest about his feelings when the time was actually right. I'm barely close to being good, and I'm not even a man.

I guess I wouldnt use the Lesbian dialectics to measure my behavior, cause 99% of my friends are girlkissers, and they ALL have some of the messiest relationship history. Not a single bitch in this room can be a good example for me.

In fact, I remember when it didn't sit right with me not knowing what happened with her and Oberon. So I tried to inquire, I didn't think it'd yield anything. She doesn't owe me that candor, right? I will not share anything about what happened.

But I'll say that it probably should have been the last time we ever talked. Cause what kind of "lady" am I, feeling some kind of way about her if she confides in me? I didn't say anything then, because I didn't think I should've. I mean, I was right, I handled it well... in the moment. But that should have been it. That should have been the last time I was close with her in any capacity.

Because now I'm feeling loose and painless.

I'll tell you something. I do really love this girl. A lot. Enough that I don't want to make her think she has to do anything other than what she really wants. If she wants my head on a pike, that's what's best. If she thinks about me, too, then... I'll see where that goes. 

I wish I could say I'm girlfriend material, but you guys all know I'm a real nutjob. No, I'm not like a psycho killer, I'm more like Britney Spears, blessed be she. Like I'm a Britney fan down but yeah those people ran her ragged, I hope she never has to step in a studio ever again.

Today I went down to Williams to vote on a Union contract. Guy working there said he loved my "aesthetic." Everywhere I go.I get at least one comment on how I look. 99% positive, because let me tell you guys something. Adri nation knows this.

I am a lot of things. Weird, erratic, erudite, unkempt, and I'm as ambitious as I am deprived, but let me tell you something right now.

One thing I have NEVER BEEN is ugly.

So I know it's not that.

While I was in the process of getting into a panic attack, I remember I was talking to Titania about how the visual language of her work was giving me some new ideas on how to implement oscillators into my "Hepburn" project. I was a real motormouth in that moment, wasn't I? That was the worst I've been since I was still with Ghislaine Maxwell (that's what we're calling my ex lmao).

Man, oh man... I wish I could still see that dream. I wish I could buy her nice things and go on dates and make stuff together or whatever... but I'm just not the one. It's not right, the timing I chose, and in my hubris, I didn't consider what she was comfortable with, or that she's a busy woman with all sorts of other stuff going on. 

She doesn't need this right now. But what do I know? I'm the one that won't shut up.

She's really as saint. Maybe I feel satisfied in thinking that my greatest mistake was all about a girl. Not just any, but someone that really rattled my entire nervous system.

Maybe, as I am right now, I cannot handle the idea of falling in love. The unrequited part isn't what bothers me at all. Its that my brain chose someone with whom there is so much complicated baggage to unpack.

I just wish I was a wiser person. People wish a lot of things, though.

She can call me anytime. I'll never turn her away.