11/20/25 - Chandler Park
紺位wagwan 皆slimes, Toronto語を勉強する、ネ、eh？
Nobody feels entitled towards territorialism at a new rec center where most of the staff didn't know each other prior to their assignment here.
Things are balanced just the right way here, for what I'm getting paid. Which is still basically nothing, by the way. 32k. My sister makes more than twice that, she's the best.
I'm not sure if we knew growing up that we'd both be working with kids, but I guess God likes to bless people in roundabout ways. Making even one of the kids laugh keeps me going for days and days. It was easy to get over my guilt and whatever when I could talk to my coworkers, and get to know them better.
Working with the elderly and the youth in tandem helps provide me with endless opportunities to do my favorite thing: talk to people. I always look for an opportunity to be sly, if I can. Getting a laugh is almost as good as-
(Not that)... pay day. And pay day is almost as good as beating a Locksmith style build user in Armored Core 6.
Nize yer beak, fam!
友達-dem, later today I have an appointment with Planned Parenthood. I'm going to be switching from estradiol pills to direct injections. The pills do their job, but the health drawbacks of Spironolactone are starting to take a toll. Lowered blood pressure and sodium wall decay makes it so I gotta eat 3x as much just to sate hunger, so I can keep my fingers from turning purple. It sucks, I need a change.
I get plenty of excersize, so the physical conniptions become less tolerable the further I go on with Spiro.
Perkys got me marved, fam
I've an appointment with the guru (a therapist) later this month. I'm looking forward to getting a professional analysis. I don't have much an ego about the idea of possessing shortcomings or ills.
"Are you a narcissist?"
Lord willing, I may have the medical counsel to determine that I am not. And if it shall be apparent that I've this or any other personality affliction, I am prepared to engage with whatever I need to make a transition towards easier moderation.
I will tell you of the affliction... I don't believe that's the proper descriptor, anymore. It's more of a fixation, and a daydream. Deanna always come across my remarks on the subject as being fundamentally lacking in the typical confidence and assuredness she observes in me. She in fact is upset that I, at a certain point, felt willing to capitulate to shame about the feeling itself, and not the execution and timing of communicating those feelings.
What a gerbert. I was moving suuuuuper waste, fam.
I don't know. I don't feel intimidated by the prospect of speaking to her, Titania. I choose to be careful, to be vigilant. No one deserves to have their peace disturbed as the result of an externality, someone else's anxieties. She is least deserving of intrusion. My friend, Deanna, she's a little too hotheaded in her approach to counsel, but she's still got some wisdom. It is her conjecture that I should care less about what she might be thinking... to wash my hands of control once again, to simply wait for her to speak to me. I think that Deanna is correct in this belief...
Don't be so dess, croski.
And yet I just wanna talk to her, somehow. At some point, yknow. Maybe just to explain. Maybe just to apologize. To demonstrate in earnest why I mishandled everything, you know. To explain why I acted like that, and why I would swing so quickly from being relaxed and cool to being full of nerves and anxiety. And of course, we have to examine if I'm psychologically consistent enough to be trusted. But it's not really about me talking, though, is it?
What I really want is just to understand her more. I'd like to hear from her own mouth what she's thinking. I just wish, more than anything, that somehow I could make it up to her.
I have to leave that up to her. If she wants to try just being friends again, then I'm game. If not, that's solid. Of course, more than anything (I say that a lot) I just really hope we could still be friends. If there was any way I could fix what I did, I'd do it. In a heartbeat. Anything she'd need, yknow.
That essay I wrote was total dogshit, though. I let shame dictate my actions again. There is nothing in my entire life, I feel, that is more regrettable than writing whatever the fuck those little texts were.
IS SHE DUUUUUMB?!?!?!?!?!?
But we can't dwell, can we? I've been hoping that I've done the right thing in leaving her alone. I... can't read minds, unfortunately, and I don't really know what she wants. I just sort of wish she could tell me, someday. No matter how harsh or how simple it may be.
Sometimes I wonder... if I never freaked out and said all those things, would she ever think about it? The shame and the carelessness, that was the real snag. Seeing me unravel like that likely demystified any sort of perceived "aura" i might have had in her eyes. But who cares? I'm still cold as fuck. They could do a lot to me, but they can't unmake a real nigga.
That's all coulda woulda shoulda stuff, anyway.
I'm taking Deanna's advice. I wash my hands of the guilt, for real this time. I only texted her one last thing, before stepping away from it entirely. Cause what? I still care about her a lot. Sue me, she's my favorite.
"Wanna talk? I can talk whenever."
That's all. And that's all I'm feeling right now. I'm ready to talk whenever she feels like, honestly.
Whenever...
Two-twos my word, mandem, good savs get the best, no yardie shit, styll. On dead yutes, I'm a good yute, eh?
Okay that's enough Toronto bullshit.
BUT not between the times of 6:30PM and 7:00PM today, I have the HRT appointment. So if our lovely lady does read this, just jot that down b4 you get around to communicating.
Because I guess, really... whether she's in into me or not, I always want to be her friend. No matter what. To lose that would be worse than anything else.
So many bills, and deadlines... everything is just money money money. Life is not easy being a proletarian. All I ever do is work these days. I still do the club pretty often, which keeps me alive. And I'm getting sexier every day so, it works out, lmao.
Today I caught my mans chopping up bare tings in Dundas Square
I went back to visit the pharmacy last week, believe it or not. Lexi did something different with the hair bleach, and I look like a totally different person. It was nice to talk to her.
And of course, I gotta talk about Adri Hepburn.
What a fucking relief, a revelation! I got the perfect feel for it, now. The visuals, the sound, the kitsch, its all perfect! I'm gonna keep this train goin.
I'm gonna be linking up with Cronkite and Archimedes today. That should be exciting! I don't want to see him go, but he is called to live across the ocean in the land of cheap cigarettes. Yes, friends... oui oui.
Ill saw you guys soon, and please, call me!
Stay clear a dem 'Sauga yutes out there, eh? Yer actually top yutes, fam.
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