11/26/25 - To Be Kind

I need this move in to be smooth. I need this to work. I need something to work.
...
We're at a juncture where music is keeping me out of traffic.
Will this bitch ever have a good day?
Fuck off. I'm having a good day. I just know that I'm not what my peers would like me to be yet.
I know. I know it.
I don't pass well enough to sell the honesty of my emotions and intentions. Everything I do will be filtered through the lens of "this is a confused man."

Planet Earth is blue, and there's nothing I can do.

The progress isn't fast enough for anyone. There are only so many people in my life who believe me. Only one of them lives near me. Hmm. I'm stuck in these working class jobs for the rest of my life if I can't force myself to be more like what pleases everyone else.
It's not helpful to know what is true or untrue, healthy or not. The right thing doesn't work, does it?

Whatever. I'll tell you why I'm processing everything so late: I'm a working adult. All I do is work. All I do is clock in and clock out. I gotta force myself to do nice things I know I can't really afford because otherwise I'm gonna crack. And I did. I did crack, and it's gonna happen again. And it's gonna be worse the next time. I'm a very kind person, but I am starting to wonder when the limits of that trait will start to really show. I might have to turn my brain off so I don't think too much about... everything.

I'm... not good at this. I'm not good at this. I'm not good at this.

It's just... paranoia. It's just anxiety snd bitterness. It doesn't make sense. Just because it seems legitimate to me doesn't mean that it really is. Everybody else can't be wrong. It's me, it's me, I am the only problem. I am the problem.

I have to tell myself that everything is my fault because there is nothing I can do to fix it if it's somebody else's fault. Nobody ever takes my criticism or honesty in good faith. Everybody thinks they're fucking Superman when I get upset. As if the fact that I'm upset is the problem and not the reasons behind it, because I'm surrounded by these little Hitlers. I'm gonna hit the gym today. I'm gonna physically exert myself in a capacity where nobody gets hurt.

God doesnt see a path forward that involves serotonin, it seems like. Oh, man. I talked about this. This was the same sort of incensed feeling I had during Journalism class. I'm so angry that it's funny. I'm almost happy about it. I won't even do anything because I'm so far beyond it.

I have to tell you. I hate. Very deeply. But we're not indulging today. Today we're taking deep breaths... and were listening to Oxygen.

BLACK OIL SMOKE
THICK BLUE SKY
DEAD RED EYE
HEAR ME CRY
EAT MY THROAT
FEED MY MIND
YELLOW EYE, FEEL ME CRY
TAKE ME NOW
PEEL MY SKIN
SCRAPE MY VEIN
SEAL ME IN
BREAK MY BONES
DANCE AND SPIN
CUT A HOLE
FEED ME NOW
ILL STEAL ALL THE OXYGEN

I don't get to turn it off. The only person in my life who understand this about me is Archimedes. He remembers. He's a good friend. He's a good friend.

There really isn't a way to talk about managing anger that doesn't make me sound like an edgelord. So I'll stop talking about it. Entirely.

Mood stabilizers my savior... Lord bless me with some mood stabilizers immediately! I'm not gonna let myself become my ex. I am not going to let my problems control me, and I will not use them as excuses for my character flaws. I will be ACTUALLY medicated, and I will be taking PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY FOR MY OWN ACTIONS.

"And for your information, I prefer SUGAR FREE, ARTIFICIAL SWEETENERS, MADE. BY. MAN.
I know it's got a bit of an aftertaste... I LIKE IT!"

I'm done.
I'm done.

I- NOPE.
NO. NO.

Do you have anger issues Adri? MAYBE!

Being a nice person just allows people to take advantage of me and treat me like garbage. I'm still trying to figure out how to be normal.
I don't think I've got it in me to be nice to everyone this week, it's not funny and it's not cool or edgy. It's mental illness. It's really not cool.

It's not like I'm just gonna unload on literally anybody, I just can't turn the other cheek if I am wronged this week. I'll break my wrist just to get a good hit in if the time is right.

I don't like thinking like this. This is an unhealthy and corrosive mindset. The impetus was my friend getting on my case just because I fell asleep while... No. I'm not gonna rationalize it. I'm gonna let it wash over me. I will make peace with uncertainty.
Think like Archimedes, think like Archimedes... what would she do...

She'd help somebody. She'd do something helpful. Yeah. Okay. Okay.

Let me see how Remas is doing. She makes even the worst day better. Even with bad news.

I'll see you when I see you.


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